a most inappropriate line of questioning

military questions

Last weekend, I was at my National Guard base and learned the following from a Captain who has been my drinking buddy traveling companion a few times this year:

Captain Lauren:  You know Major Yancy?
Me:  Yeah.  Sort of.
Captain Lauren:  She just pulled me aside and asked me if I am having sex with my boyfriend.
Me:  WHAT?  Could there be a more inappropriate question to ask a junior officer?  What’d you say?
Capt L:  I told her “yes.”
Me:  And she said?
Capt L:  She told me I needed to stop, because God would not approve.
Me:  Wow.
Capt L:  Talk about awkward.
Me:  Let me tell you how you should have responded–and how you should respond if ever asked again.  Let’s just go back in time a bit and pretend I’m you, shall we?


Major Yancy: So, are you having sex with your boyfriend?
Capt L: No–just with animals.  But he likes to watch!

Major Y: So, you having sex with your boyfriend?
Capt L: Well, it’s kinda hard to say “no” with that pink rubber ball in my mouth!

Major Y: So, are you having sex with your boyfriend?
Capt L: It’s not like I can resist his advances when my wrists are tied to the bed posts, you know?

Major Y: Are you having intercourse with your boyfriend?
Capt L: Is fisting really “intercourse”?

Major Y: Are you sleeping with your boyfriend?
Capt L: Yes, but is it wrong if my boyfriend is also my father?

Major Y: Are you sleeping with your boyfriend?
Capt L: No.  We’re just fucking.

If you too have been asked an inappropriate question and need assistance with a snappy, inappropriate response, feel free to enlist my complimentary services below!

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  1. You know, I could never come up with snappy comeback. I may have to call upon you.
    .-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..All Around Modern Dads =-.

  2. You continue to inspire my faith in our military.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Today =-.

  3. So, wait, IS fisting intercourse or isn’t it?
    .-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Reveal the Results of the Top-Secret Rock Star Bulge Contest so you don’t have to =-.

  4. You are my hero. LOL!
    .-= Keyona´s last blog ..Fears =-.

  5. Hmmm. I’m confused, I thought you guys weren’t allowed to ask each other stuff like that? On another note, perhaps Major Yancy should consider that God wouldn’t approve of *her* being all up in everyone’s fucking business.

    See what I did there? “Fucking business.” Fucking is the adverb *and* the phrase referred to the business of fucking.

    On yet another note, I don’t think I’ve ever used the word fucking so much in any comment.

    You’re welcome.

  6. Ha. ha.. How insensitive–if not foolish– that questions is, and deserves a stupid response. 🙂

  7. So is your friend a “he” or a “she” and either way why would someone ask him/her/it that at work? Very wrong. I however, love the responses and would like to enlist your services for how to deal with a person at my job who thinks she’s my boss. Only. She isn’t. At all.

  8. That him/her/it thing was supposed to be funny, not offensive. Sorry….I didn’t mean it to come out quite that awful. If it came out that way. Crap….
    .-= Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings´s last blog ..Grandma would have been 100 this year. . . =-.

  9. I might have responded, “No, actually I sent God a requisition form SX69 and he did approve it. Sorry”
    .-= Jeff´s last blog ..Shrinkage? We INVENTED shrinkage! =-.

  10. hahah, yes, i love it.
    .-= staciesmadness´s last blog ..Stop! Drop! and Roll. =-.

  11. This is funny, lol. Good job.

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