Last weekend, I was at my National Guard base and learned the following from a Captain who has been my drinking buddy traveling companion a few times this year:
Captain Lauren: You know Major Yancy?
Me: Yeah. Sort of.
Captain Lauren: She just pulled me aside and asked me if I am having sex with my boyfriend.
Me: WHAT? Could there be a more inappropriate question to ask a junior officer? What’d you say?
Capt L: I told her “yes.”
Me: And she said?
Capt L: She told me I needed to stop, because God would not approve.
Me: Wow.
Capt L: Talk about awkward.
Me: Let me tell you how you should have responded–and how you should respond if ever asked again. Let’s just go back in time a bit and pretend I’m you, shall we?
***
Major Yancy: So, are you having sex with your boyfriend?
Capt L: No–just with animals. But he likes to watch!
Major Y: So, you having sex with your boyfriend?
Capt L: Well, it’s kinda hard to say “no” with that pink rubber ball in my mouth!
Major Y: So, are you having sex with your boyfriend?
Capt L: It’s not like I can resist his advances when my wrists are tied to the bed posts, you know?
Major Y: Are you having intercourse with your boyfriend?
Capt L: Is fisting really “intercourse”?
Major Y: Are you sleeping with your boyfriend?
Capt L: Yes, but is it wrong if my boyfriend is also my father?
Major Y: Are you sleeping with your boyfriend?
Capt L: No. We’re just fucking.
If you too have been asked an inappropriate question and need assistance with a snappy, inappropriate response, feel free to enlist my complimentary services below!
You know, I could never come up with snappy comeback. I may have to call upon you.
.-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..All Around Modern Dads =-.
@surprised mom, I am here for you.
You continue to inspire my faith in our military.
.-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Today =-.
@miss britt, Thanks! You inspire my faith in Florida.
So, wait, IS fisting intercourse or isn’t it?
.-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Reveal the Results of the Top-Secret Rock Star Bulge Contest so you don’t have to =-.
@JD, That depends on what your definition of “is” is.
You are my hero. LOL!
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..Fears =-.
@keyona, But I thought we didn’t need another hero? Isn’t that what all the children say?
Hmmm. I’m confused, I thought you guys weren’t allowed to ask each other stuff like that? On another note, perhaps Major Yancy should consider that God wouldn’t approve of *her* being all up in everyone’s fucking business.
See what I did there? “Fucking business.” Fucking is the adverb *and* the phrase referred to the business of fucking.
On yet another note, I don’t think I’ve ever used the word fucking so much in any comment.
You’re welcome.
@faiqa, They’re not supposed to. And incidentally, “fucking” is my new favorite adverb.
Ha. ha.. How insensitive–if not foolish– that questions is, and deserves a stupid response. 🙂
@walter, Indeed, the response was justified!
So is your friend a “he” or a “she” and either way why would someone ask him/her/it that at work? Very wrong. I however, love the responses and would like to enlist your services for how to deal with a person at my job who thinks she’s my boss. Only. She isn’t. At all.
@lisa, I’d be glad to help!
That him/her/it thing was supposed to be funny, not offensive. Sorry….I didn’t mean it to come out quite that awful. If it came out that way. Crap….
.-= Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings´s last blog ..Grandma would have been 100 this year. . . =-.
I might have responded, “No, actually I sent God a requisition form SX69 and he did approve it. Sorry”
.-= Jeff´s last blog ..Shrinkage? We INVENTED shrinkage! =-.
@Jeff, Brilliant!
hahah, yes, i love it.
.-= staciesmadness´s last blog ..Stop! Drop! and Roll. =-.
@staciesmadness, I loved it, too. But the Captain being interrogated did not.
This is funny, lol. Good job.