friday confessional for february 20: i totally pissed in your kool-aid


Back in Fall 1993, when I was a mistreated young pledge at a social fraternity in Alabama, I got an idea. It came to me one day as ten of my goat brothers were putting out silverware on little white folded napkins next to beige plates on long wooden tables covered in white paper as part of our nightly pre-dinner ritual.  I looked at the grape Kool-Aid machine as it churned the purple sugar water and sprayed it against the clear plastic wall of its holding container. Then I noticed, for the first time, that the beverage container had a lid. And I saw the large stack of cups beside it.

A voice in my head told me to piss in one of those cups and pour it into the top of the vat of grape Kool-Aid.  It told me how wonderful I’d feel as I watched a bunch of assholes who’d been mistreating me for the past few months washing down their spaghetti dinner with muskrat waste over ice in clear plastic cups amid boisterous conversation and blissful ignorance.  It went on to encourage me to invite other goats to pee in cups and pour their urine into the splashing drink maker.

“Yes,” I told the voice, “I will piss in the Kool-Aid, and I will invite others to do the same.”  Which is exactly what we did.

It was every bit as wonderful as the voice told me it would be.  In fact, I’ve been pissing in Kool-Aid ever since!  I have a pitcher full 0f “special sauce” Kool-Aid in my ‘fridge right now, just waiting on the boy in the helmet from down the street.

So the next time you’re having a case of the Mondays and someone asks, “Gee wizz, dude, who pissed in your Kool-Aid?”  you can reply confidently, “Why, the Muskrat did!  And he totally pissed in yours, too!”

It may not brighten your day, but it certainly will mine.

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  1. Once upon a time, I had two co workers. One was an obnoxious loudmouth we called the screaming idiot. The other was a flaming queen.
    The screaming idiot had a set of expressions for all occasions. One of them was, “who pissed in your coffee”?
    The flaming queen and I liked to make fun of the screaming idiot. One day, I asked the FQ ” Who pissed in your coffee”
    He answered “Nobody. Thats the problem”.

    chamblee54’s last blog post..How do you Know This ?

  2. So your piss tasted sweet enough that nobody noticed?


    Candice’s last blog post..Never underestimate the power of a 9 yr olds turd

  3. BRILLIANT! I have *ahem* *fond* memories of Bama frat boys (I started there in ’95)… and it you couldn’t have added to the mix for a better cause. 😉

    Sassy’s last blog post..Anticipation

  4. Note to self – decline dinner invitations with the Muskrat family. 🙂

  5. What I want to know is,how much piss would it require to change the colour? Or are the artificial colourings totally piss proof?

  6. Muskrat Law Firm: If we don’t win, we’ll piss in their Kool-Aid. If we do win, we’ll piss in their Kool-Aid.

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..An Open Letter

  7. Wow! And I thought that stuff was icky enough on its own!!! Or maybe ****that’s**** why I never liked it.

    Jill/Twipply Skwood’s last blog post..Stuff I Learn When My Kids Are Sick

  8. I can’t wait till your kids are older and discover your blog!

    prefers her fantasy life’s last blog post..So Long Black Bald Babies, There’s Some New Boys in Town

  9. Instead of the Kool-Aid guy crashing through the wall, I’m picturing a giant urinal bursting into your living room.

    “Ohhh Yeahhhh!!”

    Doug at Taunt Vortex’s last blog post..Valentine’s Day Recap

  10. I’m sticking with water..

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  11. Frickin’ hilarious. Must remember that trick.

    Mama Dawg’s last blog post..Karma Chameleon

  12. Mental note, decline all non sealed container beverage hospitality from the house of Muskrat.

  13. pledge pals piss – purple passion passes.

  14. out of the area, away from my computer. i iwll check in again in a day or so. keep posting, i will think in alliteration until i comment again.

    (interesting how the two words are so very similar and yet mean so much different —- illiterate and alliterate.)

  15. make that illiterate and alliterate, sheesh.

  16. I love it! 🙂 Check out my blog.

    The Professor

    The Professor’s last blog post..Bald deception

  17. You dirty bastard. In college I used to have drinks stolen from my little fridge, so once I pissed in a Very Fine apple juice bottle…I watched my friend (not the thief) open it and I never stopped him. He spit it out across the room, that shit was funny.

    acorn king’s last blog post..Advertising Aftertaste

  18. Any frat boy who drinks from a receptacle that has a removable lid is just asking for it, really. What other choice did you have?

    I knew some teenage boys who did this with a frozen yogurt machine at a froyo shop. I haven’t had soft-serve since.

    Steam Me Up, Kid’s last blog post..Drinky Poo.

  19. I love the irony that the picture of the purple Kool-Aid package already had a piss yellow “splash” logo on it that says “with vitamin C”… as if that’s what was added to it.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Everyday Conversations – Food Crisis

  20. Chamblee54, I glad we don’t work together.

    Candice, It is pretty sweet.

    Sassy, Roll Tide! Glad you stopped by.

    Countessa, You know I wouldn’t do that to you. You are bringing your friend, right? The girl?

    Kipstreg, It’s a miracle of science. Just like Sting sang about.

    SciFiDad, Brilliant! Do you do marketing consulting?

    Jill, It’s actually quite good sans urine.

    PrefersFantasyLife, I hope to goodness that never happens.

    Doug, There’s nothing “Oh Yeah” about a urinal busting my walls, but the mental picture is quite funny!

    ChurchPunkMom, Don’t be scared.

    MamaDawg, It’s a winner. I recommend it.

    WeaselMom, Probably a good, safe bet, but I wouldn’t do that to you!

    AvatGardener, There was passion all right.

    Professor, What’s another word for pirate treasure?

    AcornKing, LOL. Some friend you are.

    SteamMeUp, Well, I think most of us assume no one’s going to piss in the drink machine. I know that’s a bold presumption and all, but …

    Jeff, Great point! I added some C, along with some other crap.

  21. Sure, you added the vitamin P.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Hello?… Check… Check… Is this thing on?

  22. Note to self: stay away from the “lemon” kool aid.

    I wonder what would have happened to all of those poor people in Jonestown if someone had peed in Jim Jones’ kool aid…?

    Catherinette Singleton’s last blog post..I am NOT Putting THAT in My Mouth

  23. Wow. Piss in the Kool-Aid. Right up there with pooping in the tank of the toilet. EVIL!

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Dialog, Part 21

  24. that totally rocks. even better than shitting in a cistern in my opinion.

    SSG’s last blog post..MrC’s Music Meltdown: Gigs

  25. Now that I’ve seen your blog, I understand the remark about “running over dead puppies”. Here’s to inappropriate comments.

    Richard Whackman’s last blog post..GRABBING MY ANKLES

  26. Gandhi used to drink a cup of his own urine every day. I think it was because it was safer than the water in India.

    diesel’s last blog post..It’s Here! It’s Here! It’s Finally Here!

  27. When I was a young lass, I knew a guy named Tony C. At every party we’d go to, he would pee in the host’s shampoo, conditioner, body wash – you name it. When I threw a party, I made sure to securely hide all things that were piss-in-able. So basically, I now think of you as my old buddy Tony C. Do you let hookers crap on your head? He did that too.

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