Gratuitously offensive

raise your hand if you’re damned

Recently at an event at our church, the band played a song in which “lift up your heads” was part of the lyrics.  I thought, “no problem–the screen on which the words are shown is above my head.  I have to lift my head to read the words.  I am good at Christian ‘Simon Says’ player.”  However, many around me were lifting up their hands. I worried for their souls.  God doesn’t have room for those who can’t follow His instructions.

The singer continued with a second round of requesting that we “lift up our heads.”  He saw some folks raising their hands, so he raised one, too.  Ha!  A trickster!  Again, I felt good about my distance from eternal damnation, as my head was, in fact, quite lifted.  Not so much from the throngs behind and beside me who ignorantly raised hands and not heads.  I could smell burning flesh.

Pretty Bride was also keeping in the Lord’s good graces with her head and hands.  Good thing.  If the Mormons are right, we’ll still be hitched in eternity, and my ability to cook and do laundry has atrophied horribly since getting married.  I’d hate to be hungry and stinky in Heaven.

I glanced around to see if any of my friends had their heads down or hands up–just in case I want their friendship in the afterlife.  I saw someone who took the parking place I wanted with his Honda Odyssey earlier that morning.  His hands were up.  I looked upon his mistake and knew that it was good, as there may be parking spaces in Heaven, and I certainly don’t want his Odyssey in mine.  There’s a barn behind Heaven where he can park, but instead of a cranky innkeeper, the Ghost of Christmas Future will send him there.

If borderline sacrilege is how you celebrate the conclusion of 9/11, check out these funny blogs and show your love for the Muskrat.  Also, feel free to give love in the comments to Pretty Bride, who turned 34 today–the decidedly worst live birth anniversary there can be in our great nation.

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  1. Respect the van, man. You’ll have one soon. I take pride in knowing I have that 3.5 250 Acura engine in my Odd. Esp when I watch the faces of folks, going by them at 110mph. Minivan? Nahhh. Smooth work of art. Can’t wait to see your face when Pretty Bride asks for one.

  2. concerned christian considers cooperation, constant co-habitation. Craves confirmation.

  3. Shameless plug: Rickey’s running a live chat during this evening’s Mets game if any of you magnificent bastards wish to partake.

  4. Happy Birthday PB!! That is a bad live birth anniversary. But how bout that day for a wedding anniversary? I got you there! Maybe that’s why it didn’t work out… No, I’m still pretty sure it was because she’s a spoiled, selfish, clueless, hapless, hopeless, pill-headed, boozing bitch with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.

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