I took this crap picture out the window of my car at a red light about a mile from our home. Sadly, the sign was gone 2 days later. However, I found their website and used the above picture to give them a call, after going for a run, cuing up some Blue Merle, and a pouring a stiff Makers+water:
Me: Hey, I saw your sign by the gas station and really wanted to see if I can use your services, but I have an aversion to needles.
Call Taker: Well, my name’s Earl, and you’re in luck! We use a mouth swab for our samples. Do you need a test that will be used for legal proceedings or one that’s just for curiosity?
Me: Both! I wanna find the mother huncher who ain’t given my mammy a dime for 16 years and take the somebitch to court. And, I wanna know for myself, so that, like, I’m not looking for bulk rate mail deals on Father’s Day anymore.
Call Taker: Well, the pricing is very competitive; it varies according to use for the test. Can I send a tech to your home for a confidential sample this evening?
Me: Whoa, right now? I’m just fact-finding, Captain Aggressive Sales Guy. Do y’all have like a database or somethin’ full of names of guys who might have babies running around Georgia? Come to think about it, am I on that list? Cause, like, I like to get my freak on.
Call Taker: Ummm, no. We’d need the possible father to submit a sample as well as you. This is often an issue in divorce proceedings. And no, you’re not on a database unless you volunteered to be.
Me: Oh, praise Jesus and Mohammad. Well how the hell can you help me?! If there ain’t no database, how I gonna find my Pappy? Where’s my Daddy at?! You gotta help me now, buddy!
At this point, Toddler walked in and heard me on the phone. She started yelling, “Daddy right here! Daddy here!”
Call Taker: Sounds like someone’s a Daddy himself! Harharhar.
Me: Hey, up yours, buddy! You making fun of me? You work for a company whose signs are right above the “We Buy Ugly Houses” signs and the “Need Health Insurance?” handwritten posters. Don’t piss me off, Earl.
Call Taker: I’m..um…sorry…I was just making conver-
Me: Yeah, well, I’m making a “people to kill list” and debating whether to add you to it.
Call Taker: [click]
Enjoy exploiting the bastard call center? Check out these funny blogs for affirmation! Vote Muskrat. He’s 10 times better than Pedro.