Last weekend I traveled with the Air National Guard. After a few of us went out drinking, one of the guys, Ron, said he was tired and that he was headed to our hotel room to retire for the night (yes, the military is sometimes thrifty with our tax dollars and has us “double up” on rooms). We decided to let Ron be, though I was a bit curious about his uncharacteristically early exit.
A couple hours later, we decided we missed Ron and that he must join us for additional rounds of microbrews, so we walked up to his door. I started to knock, but then I heard the following conversation through the door:
Girl: “Gee, Coach, I’ve never done this before.”
Coach: “Well it’s about time you learned, girl!”
Girl: “But isn’t it going to hurt?”
Coach: “It is, but it’s only going to hurt you, so that’s okay. Now, unbuckle my pants and unzip my fly!”
Girl: “But, Coach, are you sure we should…”
Coach: “I said, UNBUCKLE MY PANTS, AND UNZIP MY FLY!”
I could’ve knocked, but I thought it better to just go ahead and clandestinely open the door and invite the 8 or so with me into our room.
We walked in, and there was Ron, passed out on the edge of the bed in nothing but his boxers. We slowly walked inside and saw that the TV was most definitely showing a porno.
Me: “Nice. I can see you picked a winner from the hotel spanktravision. But what’s that on the floor?”
There were wadded-up Kleenexes all around the edge of the bed, like white islands in a rushing brown river. Ron was trying to discreetly slide them under the bed with his foot.
Me: “Were you tearing up over ‘Terms of Endearment’ or something?”
Ron: “I was…uh…well… I came in the room and masturbated all over this floor!”
One of the girls had been picking up the tissues to clean up; she immediately dropped them back onto the floor and ran to the bathroom to furiously wash her hands.
Me: “So, um…the Ebola virus. That’s gotta suck.”
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