Last weekend I traveled with the Air National Guard. After a few of us went out drinking, one of the guys, Ron, said he was tired and that he was headed to our hotel room to retire for the night (yes, the military is sometimes thrifty with our tax dollars and has us “double up” on rooms). We decided to let Ron be, though I was a bit curious about his uncharacteristically early exit.
A couple hours later, we decided we missed Ron and that he must join us for additional rounds of microbrews, so we walked up to his door. I started to knock, but then I heard the following conversation through the door:
Girl: “Gee, Coach, I’ve never done this before.”
Coach: “Well it’s about time you learned, girl!”
Girl: “But isn’t it going to hurt?”
Coach: “It is, but it’s only going to hurt you, so that’s okay. Now, unbuckle my pants and unzip my fly!”
Girl: “But, Coach, are you sure we should…”
Coach: “I said, UNBUCKLE MY PANTS, AND UNZIP MY FLY!”
I could’ve knocked, but I thought it better to just go ahead and clandestinely open the door and invite the 8 or so with me into our room.
We walked in, and there was Ron, passed out on the edge of the bed in nothing but his boxers. We slowly walked inside and saw that the TV was most definitely showing a porno.
Me: “Nice. I can see you picked a winner from the hotel spanktravision. But what’s that on the floor?”
There were wadded-up Kleenexes all around the edge of the bed, like white islands in a rushing brown river. Ron was trying to discreetly slide them under the bed with his foot.
Me: “Were you tearing up over ‘Terms of Endearment’ or something?”
Ron: “I was…uh…well… I came in the room and masturbated all over this floor!”
One of the girls had been picking up the tissues to clean up; she immediately dropped them back onto the floor and ran to the bathroom to furiously wash her hands.
Me: “So, um…the Ebola virus. That’s gotta suck.”
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There’s a guy like that in every group. Every group I’ve been in, anyway.
Um, Diesel, you talking about me or Ron? I suppose there’s a doer and an exploiter in every group, so perhaps the answer is “both.”
TV trash teases. Tugger trashes tissues. Team-mates tease.
Man makes mess masturbating. (that one was too easy)
Pals punish pud puller, pitch puffs.
Pretty Bride, I sort of agree, but guys looks at these things so differently. We must forgive them their inherent 5 -year -old -ness.
Military Men are fucking disgusting… always inappropriate.
I think they jack off— eh at least 70% of the time.. and by jacking off i mean literally and figuratively.
So I guess Diesel’s saying he’s the “one”?
The funniest part about this is that he just ‘fessed right up.
be prepared for the googing pervs. they’re definately on the way to your blog now.
huh?? Who was this idiotic lady that just started grabbing the tissues?? Was she raised in a convent?
@Pretty Bride – bwah hahahaha!
@kc – true dat on Diesel!! As for denying it, it sounds like it was undeniable. What could he say, “What?? Masturbating???! OH, no, no, I wasn’t doing THAT…I was…polishing…some, uh, furniture….”
@Hypocritical One – Good call on the convent girl. WHO would do that? Do you guys roll with a beer wench/ housekeeper/ convent girl or something? That sounds like a porno in and of itself.
I don’t know whats funnier the comments over at TNO, or the fact that I click on your damn blog and the first thing I see is SEMEN. Oh yeah you are the innocent one. Just admit that you are a perv and you were getting a small rise. LMAO.
If this isn’t the most heart warming and sensitive thing Rickey has ever read on a blog, then Rickey doesn’t know what is.
Tossing off all over the floor! Classy. Shouldn’t that guy have realised something might be, um, coming forth?
I actually know Ron, and he WAS crying over Terms of Endearment. He was too embarrassed to admit it and told you he was masturbating. He’s always been so sensitive!
Geez, I didn’t grow up in a house full of men and even I know you need some PPE before you go grabbing tissues around someone’s rack. ‘Cause there ain’t nothing good wadded up in there.
Sarah, sorry to hear your soldier boyfriend cheated on you.
KC, Yep. No sense in hiding it.
Leigh, I can’t wait! I’m hiding behind the corner with a baseball bat.
Hypo, She was raised in rural TN. Next best thing.
Bex, I’d been a lot cooler if we did have wenches, but we don’t.
JustaGirl: Um. Yeah, Guess I couldn’t throw stones at your comments on TNO.
Ricky: LOL. Glad I could “touch” you.
Kirsten, I’m sorry you know him. I think he’s got you hoodwinked.
Shield, You’re right. I always keep PPE around for spunk or dogshit. Both find their way into my yard all the time.
At least the men in uniform know how to have a good time no matter where they go!
After all, if you can’t be your own best friend, then you have to reason to go out and try to find one, either!