Growing up Travels

2 days of muskrat 1970’s porndom

From February 24-26, 2008–46 glorious hours–this Muskrat greeted the world with a porn star mustache.  Here is his story.

Since puberty, the Muskrat has wanted desperately to have a beard.  He wanted to conceal a not-so-great complexion in his youth, and he wanted to stop getting asked how recently he’d graduated lawschool as a youthful-looking adult (a la Lt. Danny Kaffee in “A Few Good Men” ).  However, since age 18, Muskrat has been a member of either ROTC or the National Guard, where beards are disallowed, and Muskrats must weep and gnash their teeth in disappointment.

Upon his return from Iraq tour #2, he made up his mind to constructively use his several weeks of leave and reconstitution time to accomplish his childhood dreams of growing a beard–and engaging in some heavy petting with Winnie Cooper.  The latter goal took less patience than the former, since the family dog is named Winnie Cooper.

After a couple weeks of allowing nature to color the Muskrat’s face, he looked like this:

After a month of neglecting the blade, he looked like this:

He was a happy Muskrat.  He knew it.  He clapped his hands.

He was ready to part the Red Sea.

But like all Utopias that suffer eventual governmental intervention, Muskrat was finally forced to disband the harmony he’d achieved with his new whiskers, as it was time to report at the National Guard base in uniform.  Since neatly trimmed mustaches are allowed in the military, Muskrat decided to go back to his youthful looks gradually and leave a mustache.

He looked like this:


Muskrat was ready for “Muskrat Does Memphis” or “Muskrat, MILFs, and Maidservants” or “Major Muskrat’s Magical Malfeasance.”  He was ready to be filthy.

Muskrat was let down.

After finishing a day at the Guard base, Muskrat decided to go to the mall to watch a movie and, perhaps, shop.  He brought his fancy pen.  He knew the talent scouts would come a runnin’.  They didn’t.  Instead, he found that he was treated a bit like whitetrash everywhere he went.

He went to the Banana Republic to look around, where he is usually greeted in just under 5 seconds.  Not this time.  Instead, he was watched with a scowl.  Would he spit tobacco juice on the boxer shorts display? Would he grope a female mannequin?  Would he shoplift?

Hurt, Muskrat went across the way to Saks 5th Avenue.  Even worse.  Ignored or judged by all with plastic nametags, no one wanted to coax the Muskrat away from his coinpurse.

Dejected, Muskrat took his out-of-work Porn Star self back to the hotel and removed the blade.  It was time to kill the mustaches and stop feeling ridiculous.  Pausing only long enough to take some disgusting pictures that are included above and on Muskrat’s “About” page, he did the deed and returned to a life of underestimation by gray-haired lawyers and Aunt Ginny.

Had better luck pulling off the ‘stache?  Then check out this funny blog.

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  1. All Hail King Stache!

  2. avatgardener

    Man mows memorable mustache; makes merry musing.

  3. avatgardener

    Lawyer laments lack of lycanthropy.

    Guardsman grows grizzly; grins.

    Soldier sadly shaves skimpy ‘stash.

    Ok, that’s enough.

  4. Dude, muskrat is jacked.

    Oh, and “Major Muskrat’s Magical Malfeasance” is abso-fucking-lutely going in Rickey’s NetFlix queue.

  5. I say it was all worth it for those photos!

  6. As long as you don’t drive a van with no rear windows, I won’t worry about you.

  7. Hi-1st visit to your blog!

    I think the only ‘non-child molester’ facial hair a guy can have is a go-Tee (how the hell do you spell that?).

    We have a creepy ice cream truck guy that drives through the neighbor once in a while…he sorta looks like you when you had the stache.


  8. I had a larger mustache when I was in ninth grade and I’m not kidding.

    But I never had those guns, so I better shut my cakehole, huh?

  9. I’m too cheap to have cable, but I hear it’s good. Maybe after it comes out on DVD, I’ll take a gander.

  10. avatgardener

    Well, now aren’t you the clever one – – using that “p” word in your title lots of folks come running to see what you are about. Good on you.

  11. Mr. Mustang was in the navy once – he seems to take great pleasure in growing his facial hair to an unruly point…and then he feels guilty and shaves it all off, then he feels clean and respectable again.. such a weird and emotionally charged thing.

    Eeew – nothing worse than the stache. Did you constantly playwith it? Run your fingers over it while you made conversation with the name tags? That would’ve been a nice touch.

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