Family

on hiking, humping, and the hefty

Today I led the family to the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area for a 4-mile loop along the water through the woods.  At one point, there were several dogs gathered together playing, causing Toddler to exclaim with glee, “Doggies!”  Which I translate to mean, “How enjoyable!  Let’s pause to reflect on the unbridled freedom leashless dogs can enjoy in a National Forest.”

So, we did.  Just long enough for two of them to start humping.

Me:  “Looks like they’re wrestling!”
Toddler:  “Doggies ras-sle!”
Random Redneck from behind us:  “Dan!  Get off of Ann!  Now!  Shit.”

I see someone wasn’t forced to watch the last 30 seconds of “The Price Is Right” growing up.  At least he read “Where The Red Fern Grows.”

Toddler:  “Sheet, doggies!  Sheet, Daddy!”
Me:  “Thanks for the vocabulary lesson, buddy.”

We continued.  Farther down the path, we came to a picnic area by the river, which, I hear, ain’t all that clean.  There were some overweight kids playing in the water with a twenty-something woman wearing a white ribbed tanktop sans bra, her lovehandles pooching over her hips on both sides.  She talked passionately on her cellphone and smoked a cigarette.  I’m sure it was menthol.

Teen:  “Dad, can we stop and get in the water too?”
Me:  “I wouldn’t.  This river is infamously dirty.”
Teen:  “But those kids are doing it.”
Me:  “Yes, they are.  But let’s take a closer look at those kids and the litany of bad decisions that have led to their being waist deep in the Chattahoochee today…
Pretty Bride:  “Muskrat!  Inappropriate!”
Me:  “What?  Don’t you think we should take a moment to be judgmental?”
Pretty Bride:  (scowling)
Me:  “We’re not going to swim.  Please look closely at mommy and her dirty urchins, though, as I believe it to be a good educational opportunity.

And educate us they did.  Toddler has already expressed interest in getting spayed.

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Enjoy dirty water and frisky beasts?  Check out this funny blog for more of the same. Don’t forget to vote for Muskrat!

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5 Comments

  1. That’s so weird that you mentioned “Where The Red Fern Grows” I was just talking with my dad about that book yesterday. Is that you paw?

    [Reply]

  2. Yes! Go get me another beer, son.

    [Reply]

  3. But I thought you could learn a lot about livin’ and a little ’bout love there. I am disappointed.

    [Reply]

  4. Oh Shield…you beat me to it.
    The only thing I know about this river is that Alan Jackson went water-skiing there.

    [Reply]

  5. Thank you for providing valuable post regarding the subject. I am a fan of your website. Keep up the great work.

    [Reply]

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