free legal advice: don’t address a judge’s black staff member as “little monkey”

An Atlanta divorce lawyer has been banned from the 5th floor of a county courthouse without an escort for ignoring the advice above. Seriously. He was quoted as saying, “It was a pretty black lady that I thought I knew and was joking with.” Uh huh. I’m sure he addresses his wife as “bitch” and kids as “my least favorite mistakes,” too.

He did take up for himself by pointing out he has a niece who’s black. Well that’s good. Do they play such fun games as “burn the cross” or “hang the noose” together in the front lawn? Does he call his white nephew “cracker”? I hope so, because I’d hate to see him show favoritism in addition to his bigotry.

Here’s some other free legal advice I’ve gleaned from the past five years of practicing in the South.  All are true stories:

-Don’t take $40,000 of your client’s money after your boyfriend breaks up with you and then try to kill yourself but fail.  You’ll be prohibited from practicing law for, like, a year.
-Don’t go out drinking with friends and then bill the time to a client as time spent in the office working on their case.  You’ll get fired.
-Don’t take a deposition transcript with you to a bar (because you’re a workaholic) to go over while waiting on your friends and then proceed to get hammered and forget about it, leaving confidential information at some random bar.  I actually did this one.
-Don’t pick the law firm’s black tie Christmas party to get wasted and show up late with your male lover so that you can formally come out of the closet in front of the conservative partners for whom you work.  Monday will be awkward.
-Don’t try a case in front of a female judge with your zipper undone.  Yeah, I did this one, too.  But I won the case.
-Don’t write about your cases, adverse parties, colleagues, and workplace mishaps on a blog.  Oh wait.  Shit.

If you like unbridled legal anecdotes, give props to Muskrat on this funny blog!

Blog Widget by LinkWithin


  1. This was great!! Sounds totally like all the kinds of things I would do – if I practiced law, and didn’t have this good advice, of course…

  2. Way to own some of those “Don’ts”!

  3. Does all this advice work just for the South or can we apply it here in the West?

    Funny stuff, enjoyed it. Thanks

  4. Yes, I think that “little monkey” is probably not helpful in any U. S. jurisdiction. .

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.