Gratuitously offensive

an invitation for haley salmon

Here is an email I received responding to a condo I had listed for rent.  The above picture was included with the text.  Skim it; it’s long, but I’m including all of it as a PSA for other attempted victims, like I did when Mike Jones wrote me.  At the bottom is my email back to her.

From: Hayley Salmon <hayley.salmon.76@hotmail.com>
Subject: About me
Date: Wednesday, July 2, 2008, 7:31 PM

Hi
How are you?hope you are okay,sorry for the late reply,i have been very busy with sick mother in the hospital and traveling plans down here.Thanks so much for the reply.
I’ll be happy if you can rent out the place to me for 12 months term lease, as i’ll love to get a place before my arrival.

More about me,I am half Brit from dad and half Asian from mum,a science laboratory worker,mostly spend my time in the laboratory experimenting,divorced female of 31yrs,i am educated(undergraduate and post graduate degree), am very active in sport (ski, surf,swimming),a good christian,very low key and relaxed to live with. I DON’T smoke nor drink and i DON’T mind if flat mates do, I DON’T have a pet also. Presently staying at 10 marlborough avenue,london. e6 6hz,England,united Kingdom.

Reference…I worked under my uncle for a year and he is still running the private health center,which deals in projects that involves heart related diseases,I also work as a private tutor…And before that i schooled in Spain before moving down to united kingdom after the death of my dad and younger sibling in a car accident….

I like honest,responsible,trustworthy and hardworking people while I dislike lazy,messy,uncaring people and I love pets so much,am quiet and easy going person to live with. I’m 5’7′ straight. I always love to go on date but seldom party. I swim for fun and sometimes play tennis.  I must confess am comfortable with the price and I will want to secure the place down before my arrival so i will want you to tell me all about the place,as i can’t see it before my arrival .i will also need to see the pictures…Attached is my picture ,just to give you a clue of who you are renting to.I hope you like it,i am not a picture loving person though.

I also will want you to know that i have my car that i will be coming over with,and little of my furniture,please let me know if there will be room for them?
I don’t have a job lined up for me there yet but will look for upon my arrival.

Moreover,Let me also know how i can go about securing the place down before my arrival as i will also be busy from  next week preparing to come over as i plan to arrive by  1st August/My Arrival date is flexible.

I will need you to advice me how best i can send payment to you soon as i understand that you agree to accept me in as your roommate,since my uncle who is making the total payment for the first & last month rent plus security deposit and shipping of my car , few furniture will be mailing out payment to you via Money Order in one of his business trip abroad to hold the room down for me before my arrival.
Should you agree to receive payment via Money order in US dollars,kindly advise me of your full name ,contact address (either work or home address depends on where you assure to receive it in person )and contact telephone #.

Please,feel free to ask me any more question as i am very happy to join you and more so, i will love to always get email from you on how the event unfold till my arrival.

For references reason,kindly contact below:
Former landlord :Thomas John(thomasjohn@zworg.com)
Roommate:Allan Barclay(allanbarclay@gmail.com

Thanks,I will appreciate every of your effort to assist me in this traveling plans as i will be very happy to know you more than just roommates when i get there.Am very friendly and generous.

Again,Thanks and best regards,
Hayley.

I was suspicious, but I played along. I received a couple of $1500 money orders and instructions:

From: Hayley Salmon <hayley.salmon.76@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Please do this Favour for me
Date: Friday, July 11, 2008, 2:47 AM

Hi,
How are you doing ?  Thanks for the help in advance.

I will need you to help me send $2100 to my shipper in the  morning because she has given me an ultimatum till next week Monday to send the money since she is supposed to have received her money since last week .You should deposit the check in your bank and convert the remaining into cash so that you can send to her.The receipts from the western union or Money Gram should also be kept in your personal savings account till i arrive.
I would really appreciate it if you can help me get the payment sent over on to her soon.I must let you know that i am trying to make it up to the shipper as she had tried for me,and you have sounded like a good roommate that shows concern,i must confess.
The information below as i have told you that the shipper is on vacation but giving me the grace to send the money to him

The information of the shipper is…

Carolyn Olson
90 West 3rd Street #10
Waconia MN 55387

Please email me soon as you get the money sent

The information that you need to email me with are below..
1…Name of sender and address of sender
2..Total Amount sent (after moneygram charges is deducted)
3..Test Question and answer(if required)
4… Reference numbers for the transaction

I will be waiting for the information ASAP.
Thanks.

Hayley.

Below is my reply to Hayley. I’m now awaiting her response.

Dearest Hayley,
Today, I went to the nearest Wal-Mart to cash the two $1500 Wal-Mart money orders you were so kind to send me. Have you ever stood in line in the area where money orders are cashed at Wal-Mart?  If the picture you sent is actually you, you wouldn’t fit in too well. Neither did I. I think it was my complete set of teeth. I did learn, however, that the money orders you gave me were fake! Which has confirmed my suspicion that you are a Fucktard!

I’m also wondering if you’re a whore?  I just re-read your first email to me about how you are “very happy to know you more than just roommates.”  This makes me pretty sure you like to shine balls, like the guy in our copy room!

I also noticed that you can’t write for shit! I’m thinking your tutor wasn’t a Tudor!

Incidentally, I rented the condo weeks ago to someone else. You can, however, fly to the U.S. and toss my salad. It’s the least I can do for you.

Oh, and thanks for sending the picture. I peed all over it and sent it to the MOMA. Maybe you’ll have a layover in NYC and will be able to see it.  It’s called “Piss Skank.”

Very truly yours –
not your unwilling accomplice

————————

If Haley flies to the States, I’m totally going to meet her at the airport with this.
Time to cool off with some funny blog posts.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin

6 Comments

  1. I’m sure she a lovely but misguided skank, bless her heart.

    [Reply]

  2. Very shocking! Because judging from her picture (from istock photo) she looked like a nice person

    [Reply]

  3. I laughed so hard at your response…I accidently spit on myself..good one!

    [Reply]

  4. I love how they use a stock picture of a medical assistant filing records, but then try to pass her off as a “a science laboratory worker.”

    That’s a very descriptive job. ….Now I’ve got to get back to my job, as a “business office worker”

    These conartists are definately Fucktards! Maybe FuckCons, or ConTards is a better term? Hmm…We should write to Webster and solicit these as new words…Muskrat, maybe you should write the definition.

    [Reply]

  5. thanks for the advice! i agree with creating new words for this jackass(es).

    [Reply]

  6. I am looking for a roommate and got pretty much the same email…I was sent a “check” for $3200, way more than the amount. As you may have guessed, I have already terminated the relationship…it really is a shame that people are such a disgrace!!!

    [Reply]

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.