I made the mistake of leaving work today at 5:30pm so that I could have dinner with the family before Pretty Bride had to teach a class for 3 hours. It took 1.25 hours (4x the usual commute time), so she was gone by the time I returned. I quickly bathed the baby, put her to bed, and ate what was left over for dinner before setting up my laptop and some new files on the kitchen table, so that I could finish up the work I abandoned at my office. Then I smelled something foul. “Winnie (the dog)?!” She looked at me excitedly. I looked on the floor around our kitchen table. Nothing. I glanced to my right, where the two phonebooks sit in a chair next to my normal seat at the head of the table: Baby’s seat (yes, we’re too cheap to buy a booster seat). Then I saw it–a turd lying on the lion’s back advertising the city zoo. I ran upstairs to where Tween was doing something on her computer.
Me: “Did you let Baby eat dinner without her diaper?”
Tween: “Um, no…”
Me: “Well, somehow she crapped all over her phonebook booster seat!”
I ran back downstairs, grabbed some toilet paper, and tried to scoop it up. Then I accidentally inhaled through my nose. Uh oh. I ran to the bathroom, dropped the turd into the john, flipped the seat down, grabbed onto it, and vomited my just-finished tacos on top of Baby’s floating stool.
Tween: “Are you okay down there?”
Me: “No.”
I flushed, ran the phone book under the sink, and then left it there for Pretty Bride to deal with when she gets home.

*Update:  She ripped off the front cover and put it back on Baby’s chair.