product reviews Travels

there’s no masturbation in the tundra

Him:  Do you have a lot of experience with trucks?
Me:  The last time I drove a pickup truck was in high school, when I worked for my friend’s dad’s landscaping company.  He had a 1970-something white piece of shit truck with “3 on the tree” and a spare tire tied to its roof.  We called it “Great White.”  Sometimes when I was in a residential area and had a boner for some reason, I’d rub one out and just spray all over the floorboard!
Me:  The bad thing was, my hands were always calloused from yard work, so I’d end up irritating my johnson!  But hey, ain’t no way I’d be doing that in a $50,000 Toyota truck.  The Tundra is no place for masturbating!

And so began my experience at the Tundra East Coast Drive Camp at Barnsley Gardens Resort in north Georgia.

riding a horse

I’m on a horse!

I was as impressed by this event hosted at Barnsley Resort and facilitated by Jackson Spalding as I have been at any of the blogging or legal conferences I’ve attended.  There was fly fishing, horseback riding, and skeet shooting:  activities one would expect to enjoy at a Southern event showcasing a quality truck and SUV.  Accommodations were top notch, and the food and drink provided by Empire State South were so good that I made reservations for my bride’s birthday at their restaurant in Atlanta.  Like, immediately.

the ruins

There was also this:


And this:


And some of this:


It’s like they read my blog AND my mind.

I had the Pimm’s Cup, the Rye+Root, all 3 Terrapin beers, a recommended red wine, a recommended white wine, AND several of the whiskeys available for sampling, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

When we weren’t eating and drinking, there was plenty of this:


We drove the 2014 Tundra through a pasture and some woods.  We pulled an Airstream with it.  We pulled a boat with it.  We took it on winding country roads through north Georgia after I sampled whiskey til 3am the night before.

with airstream

pulling boat

And you know what?  To the best of my knowledge, there wasn’t a single instance of inappropriate stimulation within the Tundras.  Because why would you desecrate an interior that looks like this?

inside truck

Right before heading back to Atlanta, I drove the 2014 4Runner and was impressed by its handling and amenities.  It was a joy to drive (but not in an inappropriate way).  I even flipped up the 3rd row to see if children could fit in there, and I totally think they would!  Which is great, because then we can stack the luggage in the second row to muffle their cries for bathroom breaks.

with 4runner

We received a fancy press kit and thumb drive full of photos for all the journalists, but as the lone personal blogger in attendance, I felt it better to keep it real and use the pictures I took with my iphone.  I didn’t get compensated for this event but didn’t have to pay for it, either.  It was a great time, and I’ve already called my Daddy to tell him he made a wise choice when he bought his crimson Tundra a couple years ago, but he’s gonna wanna check out the 2014 before he gets too attached to his older model.

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  1. You are the Greatest Reviewer of Our Time.

  2. You said “skeet.” Heh.

  3. Sounds like a mighty fine event, first rate.

  4. You told me you never touched yourself in high school because you were saving all your love for me. Like Whitney Houston. And I have to find out from the internet?? I’m hurt, Muskrat. Not a lot, but still.

  5. Dad’s also going to want to check the floorboards.

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