I should probably stop publishing excerpts from the same case’s depositions, but they are so superior to the usual “I got hurt doing ____ and now the doctor says I have to _____ ” cases I typically handle that I really can’t stop. And I don’t think y’all want me to anyway. So, here are a few blips from last week’s session, a follow up deposition of my client taken by the ever-so-naive-to-the-urban-dictionary Ray:
Client: He was asking us to help him choose who to hire. He had a list of about 5 people, and he planned to choose 3 of them. Right off the bat he said, “Well SHE, pointing to ‘Africa,’ is definitely in. She finer than a mother-fucker.”
Ray: Could you tell what he meant by “fine”?
Client: Excuse me?
Ray: Well, don’t you think he could have meant that her work ethic was fine? Or her performance?
Client: I get it! This is a joke, right?
Ray: No, I do not joke during my depositions.
Client: No. I don’t think he was talkin’ about how she works. I can say with COMPLETE confidence, under oath, that he wanted to touch her bits.
Client: He wanted to get with her.
Ray: Get? Get together for input on the hiring decision?
Client: Get together and have lots of sex.
Client: So after Bridget finally complained about the guy, he called a meeting and said, “My spider senses are going off. I can tell one of you BITCHES is a snitch.” Then he said, “I’m not gonna say who, but Bridget, you need to stay in my office after everyone else is excused.”
Ray: But he didn’t SAY that Bridget was the snitch, right?
Client: Really? *looks at me incredulously* I mean – really?
Me: Apparently, yes, really.
Client: Well, not directly, but I’d say it was obvious who he meant, wouldn’t you?
Client: So we was smoking outside and he comes up and says, “How much?”
Ray: Did you know what he meant?
Client: Well, the way he was looking at me I pretty much knew it was like a prostitute thing. So I said, “What?!” And he said, “Girl I would put you on your back for 2 weeks I’d fuck you so hard.”
Ray: Did he ever raise the issue of payment again?
Client: Not after I told him I only take Euros, no.
Client: He always came up and massaged my shoulders. And one of the managers was always massaging him.
Ray: Now, I’m sorry I have to ask this, but when you say she was always massaging him–was she massaging his shoulders or like, his manhood area?
Client: Shoulders! Shoulders! Ew. Shoulders. Just his shoulders. *looks at me and mouths, “Manhood area?”*
Me: I once stumbled into a bar called Manhood Area, I think.