I should probably stop publishing excerpts from the same case’s depositions, but they are so superior to the usual “I got hurt doing ____ and now the doctor says I have to _____ ” cases I typically handle that I really can’t stop. And I don’t think y’all want me to anyway. So, here are a few blips from last week’s session, a follow up deposition of my client taken by the ever-so-naive-to-the-urban-dictionary Ray:
Client: He was asking us to help him choose who to hire. He had a list of about 5 people, and he planned to choose 3 of them. Right off the bat he said, “Well SHE, pointing to ‘Africa,’ is definitely in. She finer than a mother-fucker.”
Ray: Could you tell what he meant by “fine”?
Client: Excuse me?
Ray: Well, don’t you think he could have meant that her work ethic was fine? Or her performance?
Client: I get it! This is a joke, right?
Ray: No, I do not joke during my depositions.
Client: No. I don’t think he was talkin’ about how she works. I can say with COMPLETE confidence, under oath, that he wanted to touch her bits.
Ray: Bits?
Client: He wanted to get with her.
Ray: Get? Get together for input on the hiring decision?
Client: Get together and have lots of sex.
***
Client: So after Bridget finally complained about the guy, he called a meeting and said, “My spider senses are going off. I can tell one of you BITCHES is a snitch.” Then he said, “I’m not gonna say who, but Bridget, you need to stay in my office after everyone else is excused.”
Ray: But he didn’t SAY that Bridget was the snitch, right?
Client: Really? *looks at me incredulously* I mean – really?
Me: Apparently, yes, really.
Client: Well, not directly, but I’d say it was obvious who he meant, wouldn’t you?*****
Client: So we was smoking outside and he comes up and says, “How much?”
Ray: Did you know what he meant?
Client: Well, the way he was looking at me I pretty much knew it was like a prostitute thing. So I said, “What?!” And he said, “Girl I would put you on your back for 2 weeks I’d fuck you so hard.”
Ray: Did he ever raise the issue of payment again?
Client: Not after I told him I only take Euros, no.
****
Client: He always came up and massaged my shoulders. And one of the managers was always massaging him.
Ray: Now, I’m sorry I have to ask this, but when you say she was always massaging him–was she massaging his shoulders or like, his manhood area?
Client: Shoulders! Shoulders! Ew. Shoulders. Just his shoulders. *looks at me and mouths, “Manhood area?”*
Me: I once stumbled into a bar called Manhood Area, I think.
A pity that the US Dollar is so weak against the Euro… that must have put a real crimp in his sexual harassment plans!
@Dave2, Isn’t it? It has put crimps in lots of plans.
Well, I guess Ray understands what a “mother -fucker” is, so that’s good, right?!
@SL, It’s a great sign. It shows he watched an Eddie Murphy movie or 2 in the 1980s.
Do you have an address for Manhood Area? I think I’ve eaten there.
I think Mr. Right would LOVE to map out directions for you – nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
@Linda, Both of you– perverts!
@HH, I don’t have an address. Pervert.
go git ’em Father Muskrat!!
@Mrs Hall, I’m trying. When I’m able to stifle laughter.
Don’t. Stop. Posting. This is the best deposition ever!
@LAB, I agree!
I’m going to spend my evenings in law school so I can quit my new job and come work for you.
@SF Dad, Please do!
I think my partially deaf 68-year-old mother is hipper to the lingo than poor flaccid Ray.
Am I going to have to explain “flaccid” to him?
@Kevin, I’m sure she is. And yes, you will need to explain that to him.
Ray never fails to amuse me.
@psychobabble, He’d have it no other way.
Note to self: videotape depos re sex.
I don’t doubt Ray is clueless, but if you’re the questioner, don’t you have to anticipate that the eventual fact finder will be just as clueless to the urban dictionary, so to speak? You need to get a clear meaning on the record, right? So, if I were Ray, what could I do, that wouldn’t sound so obnoxious….
@columbia rose, That may be, but the jury won’t be (clueless).
Do you believe this will go to trial? I know Ray qualifies for an off-planet green card but he can’t be so out of touch that he wouldn’t recommend his client settle immediately. If he does get in front of a jury with women, he’s doomed but I’m sure you would make the point to all the men on the jury that they would NOT want the women in their lives to be treated like this. It’s really unfortunate none of the perps would go to prison where they could be introduced to a whole new level of sexual harassment where they get to play the role of the wife. Ewwwwwwwww. Keep us posted.
@LS, I don’t. I can’t imagine these exchanges taking place in front of a jury here in the ATL.
Well it’s s shame really. You could have a lottery on how quick the judge clears the courtroom because good ole Ray has everybody laughing. I bet 2.5 minutes into his opening statement – lol. Then the jury could roll around laughing while they give each client $10 mil each. Everybody could laugh all the way to the bank. Sigh. I live this scenario. How ’bout you.
TeeHee. I wish “I live that scenario” were true but alas, “I love that scenario” is more like.
Unbelievable and unbelievable funny! And who says lawyers don’t have any fun . . .
@Surprised Mom, We have ALL KINDS of fun! Sometimes, it’s even legal and moral, too.
You know, this would make a damn funny movie … do you have any experience with scriptwriting?
@RockyCat, Not yet, I don’t.
It’s almost admirable how far backwards he bends trying to find reasonable interpretations.
@avitable, It’s because he’s so kind-hearted in his naivete.
Is there a book called, “Amelia Bedelia is a Lawyer?” Get it for this guy!
Keep posting on this case..please!
@Jade, Ha! That would be great if there were one. Totally fitting.