02.26how NOT to respond to the prospect of foreign objects in your ass
Today I took our dog, Winnie, and Maddie to a vet who just opened shop a couple miles from our house. Winnie needed to go for a shot or something, and Maddie just likes to go wherever Winnie goes.
Winnie was excited to be there and get the attention all the vet techs poured on her, as they strove to show how much better their love of animals and general customer service are compared to that vet’s office where we used to bring Winnie, which happened to be the vet’s office where many of them used to work.
But she changed when the vet walked into the room.
Vet: OK, Winnie, I’m going to need to be a bit invasive now…
Vet: Ok, Winnie, I have some fake bacon treats for you in this plastic bag from China!
Winnie: *comes out from under chair and puts backside in vet’s face, eager for injection*
It was disgusting.
After her temperature was taken via rectal thermometer, Winnie shuffled back under my chair until the vet’s white coat was replaced by the tech’s green scrubs. But when they found out I’d forgotten to give her a heartworm pill for the past several months, they decided she needed some kind of fecal test.
Again, when the vet entered, Winnie hid. Until the treats came out. Then she spread her hindquarters for “faken” like a street hooker for crack.
She got her fecal test; we paid and left. In the car:
Me: So, did you learn anything from today’s experience? Think you’d like to be a vet?
Maddie: Well, I like how everyone loves Winnie and wants to take care of her!
Me: Yeah, but did you learn anything from Winnie?
Maddie: That she shouldn’t be scared of people who help her?
Me: No. That she’s a whore. Winnie gave up her rectal virginity for a couple chunks of faken. Don’t trade sodomy for trinkets. It won’t serve you well in life.
Maddie: Daddy, what’s a whore?
Me: You know what mommys are for? Answering questions just like that! Let’s ask her when we get home.