how NOT to respond to the prospect of foreign objects in your ass

Today I took our dog, Winnie, and Maddie to a vet who just opened shop a couple miles from our house.  Winnie needed to go for a shot or something, and Maddie just likes to go wherever Winnie goes.

Winnie was excited to be there and get the attention all the vet techs poured on her, as they strove to show how much better their love of animals and general customer service are compared to that vet’s office where we used to bring Winnie, which happened to be the vet’s office where many of them used to work.

But she changed when the vet walked into the room.

Vet:  OK, Winnie, I’m going to need to be a bit invasive now…
Winnie:  *hides*
Vet:  Ok, Winnie, I have some fake bacon treats for you in this plastic bag from China!
Winnie:  *comes out from under chair and puts backside in vet’s face, eager for injection*

It was disgusting.

After her temperature was taken via rectal thermometer, Winnie shuffled back under my chair until the vet’s white coat was replaced by the tech’s green scrubs.  But when they found out I’d forgotten to give her a heartworm pill for the past several months, they decided she needed some kind of fecal test.

Again, when the vet entered, Winnie hid.  Until the treats came out.  Then she spread her hindquarters for “faken” like a street hooker for crack.

She got her fecal test; we paid and left.  In the car:

Me:  So, did you learn anything from today’s experience?  Think you’d like to be a vet?
Maddie:  Well, I like how everyone loves Winnie and wants to take care of her!
Me:  Yeah, but did you learn anything from Winnie?
Maddie:  That she shouldn’t be scared of people who help her?
Me:  No.  That she’s a whore.  Winnie gave up her rectal virginity for a couple chunks of faken.  Don’t trade sodomy for trinkets.  It won’t serve you well in life.
Maddie:  *confused*
Me:  What?
Maddie:  Daddy, what’s a whore?
Me:  You know what mommys are for?  Answering questions just like that!  Let’s ask her when we get home.

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17 Responses to “how NOT to respond to the prospect of foreign objects in your ass”

  1. Sybil Law says:

    So, I’m guessing faken doesn’t work around your house?
    Sybil Law´s last blog post ..Thats a Spicy Enchilada!

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    muskrat Reply:

    @Sybil, Only when the vegans come over. And I hate every second of it.

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  2. Correct Sybil. In my experience, only REAL bacon will get Muskrat to give it up.

    I’ve always respected his insistence on authenticity.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @FW, Why you gotta air our intimate laundry, dude?

    [Reply]

  3. Dave2 says:

    When you get an answer on that whore situation, will you update this post so we can all know?

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Dave2, Sure!

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  4. SciFi Dad says:

    Hey, better she learn it at home than out on the mean streets of preschool.
    SciFi Dad´s last blog post ..Warm

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @SciFi Dad, I agree!

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  5. Sodomy. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.
    The Honourable Husband´s last blog post ..Fish- the Translators Nightmare

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @HH, I just don’t want to see someone who doesn’t WANT to try it do it anyway for fake bacon.

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  6. Pretty Bride says:

    I have stopped even asking where she hears these words. It is so, so clear.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @PB, It’s not THAT clear.

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  7. Jen says:

    Dang, what a way to learn that lesson. So where can I get myself some of this Faken? I have dog who won’t do a damn thing I ask him to and this might solve that.
    Jen´s last blog post ..Charlie Sheen on Mission to Bring Back Favorite Catchwords from the 80s

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Jen, I’ve seen it for sale on the internets.

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  8. Dr Satire says:

    When I read:

    “Maddie: Daddy, what’s a whore?”
    “Me: You know what mommys are for?”

    I thought the tone of the post was about to park in a dark alley and lose the humor bit. Save!

    Hehe.. Unintended, I know. Wait – or was it?! O.o
    Dr Satire´s last blog post ..Suit the suit

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Dr Satire, Yes! That’s exactly how I meant it. To you.

    [Reply]

  9. Amy says:

    I needed this after being on Potty Patrol the past few days with my non-pooping daughter. Potty Patrol that involved suppositories. And every comment made me laugh even harder! I’m gonna love following you!
    Amy´s last blog post ..I Pick My Teams Like I Pick My Nose

    [Reply]

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