animals are not your friend


On Saturday, I spent an entire day in a tent with a black Master Sergent named Jon. At our first conversational lull, Jon belted out this chunk of wisdom:

MSgt Jon: You know, black people are smarter than white people when it comes to animals.
Me: How’s that?
MSgt Jon: Animals are not your friend, my white friend.
Me: They’re not?
MSgt Jon: They’re not. You’re a lawyer–how many times do you see a dog bite case involving a black person?
Me: Never.
MSgt Jon: Steve Irwin was white. Siegfried & Roy are white. That crazy bitch with the pet monkey who damned near ate her face:  white, too.
Me: You may be onto something!  We honkies are always trying to domesticate creatures that don’t want to be domesticated.  Did I ever tell you what I did to a ‘possum when I was a kid?
MSgt Jon: In Africa, we learned to run from animals. I don’t know what y’all were doing in Europe at the time.
Me: I think we were handing Native Americans blankets we’d just rubbed our smallpox sores all over.
MSgt Jon: You are never going to see “Kunta Kinte’s Wild Kingdom” on TV, I can guarantee that. Know why?
Me: Because he’s a fictitious character from Alex Haley?
MSgt Jon: No. Because black people know that animals are not your friend.
Me: Thank you. Are you finished now?
MSgt Jon: No. Black people are smart enough not to use pressure cookers, too. Did you know that?

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  1. I’m glad you restrained yourself from playing the Brian Fellows card.
    .-= Whit´s last blog ..I Brood and I’m Dangerous =-.

  2. That last line made me snort Mint Slice biscuit outta my nose.

    Mint Slice is like Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies but available all year round here in Australia because we rock.

    And we rock because we all knew Steve Irwin was a tool.

  3. That is a classic conversation and the man does have a good point.
    .-= WeaselMomma´s last blog ..Getting Back Out There =-.

  4. And suddenly your pressure cooker tweet makes sense.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Growth. Which is not the same as good writing. Clearly. =-.

  5. I love the smallpox blanket presents for the Native Americans.
    .-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Zoom. =-.

  6. Jon sounds smart. What did you do to a ‘possum? They can be nasty.
    .-= Chris´s last blog ..The Weapon =-.

  7. I honestly don’t even know what to say about this post. Except, possibly, that this conversation could only happen in Vegas.

  8. What’s wrong with pressure cookers?? Honestly, I’ve never used one, so I’m curious..

    You did a possum?? dude. that’s gross.
    .-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..Can we be honest for a minute here? =-.

  9. @Whit, I had to google Mr Fellows. I’m lame. Now I’ll know to play that card, however!
    @Kelley, I’m sorry about your nose but am glad to year y’all rock. I hope to find out in person sometime soon and to meet A Free Man!
    @WeaselMomma, He does, but his delivery is awfully direct.
    @Miss Britt, If only all my tweets could be explained this easily.
    @Carolyn, Only because you weren’t the recipient.
    @Chris, He is smart. I tried to make it my pet and damn near got rabies.
    @Amy, It could also occur in a tent in GA, too!
    @ChurchPunkMom, They’re dangerous. And, I didn’t “do” the possum; I tried to make it my pet!
    @Brenda, What an awesome idea! Will you cover airfare?

  10. I have decided to host a dinner in Pretty Bride’s honor next year in NYC. She deserves it just for putting up with you. Please invite MSgt Jon. kthanxbai.
    .-= Brenda-SeriouslyMama´s last blog ..Catching up or maybe not. =-.

  11. You said “honky”? Whoa. Having read “jive turkey” somewhere else recently, I’m feeling a little Good Times coming on.

    But the blanket thing is most likely a myth. Just so you don’t feel that collective guilt too strongly. Looks as though it never happened.

  12. But Obama has a dog!
    .-= Avitable´s last blog ..How to escalate a service request =-.

  13. Also? Black people are not fool enough to stick around when a house is clearly haunted and/or has a killer lurking inside (which is why we are sadly lacking in horror flicks). LOL.
    .-= Lynette´s last blog ..Four days of [blank] =-.

  14. Man’s got a point. Pressure cookers will flat explode on you at random.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Wide eyed and new money with faded beauty queens =-.

  15. Is your MSgt really DL Hughley?
    .-= Faiqa´s last blog ..That Depends =-.

  16. Is this why I’ve never met an African-American mailman or meter reader? Hmmmm, interesting.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Answers, Part 2 =-.

  17. Remind me never to read your blog while eating nachos. The damn things are sharp, and when you laugh, they are apt to impale the inside of your throat. I’d like to see this conversation scripted into a screen play….
    .-= Tia´s last blog ..There Just Aren’t Enough Songs About Female Statutory Rapists…. =-.

  18. @Rob, It’s all good times, all the time around here. And I’m glad the smallpox thing is a myth. Not that I was losing any sleep over it.
    @Avitable, He does, but per Jesse Jackson, he’s not really black anyway.
    @Lynette, Great point! I think all of us have a LOT to learn from the wisdom of the American black person.
    @FreeMan, I’ve heard that. I’m scared of them.
    @Faiqa, He isn’t, but thanks for the hilarious link! Perhaps MSgt Jon isn’t original, but he’s still rather comic.
    @CoalMiner’sGD, We have some in the ‘hood. It’s cause you live in a nicer part of town than I do.
    @Tia, It very well could be. And, I’m sorry about the chip.

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