I’ve learned this week that I suck as a single dad; I hope to never have it become a permanent lifestyle. Teen was late to school every day this week. Today, she had no lunch. Yesterday, Toddler was late to preschool and also had no lunch.
Today when I dropped Teen off at her school, we did the parental “walk of shame” into the office to check her in. Behind the counter was the largest, most surly woman I’ve ever met. She looked and had the personality of Jabba The Hutt’s African sister. Of that I am sure.
Jabba’s Sis: You’re late!
Me: Yeah, sorry. Can we just get the little slip of paper that shows we suck?
Jabba’s Sis: What’s your excuse?
Teen: Traffic…?
Me: Actually, her mom’s in the hospital, and I just suck at getting children ready rapidly. In fact, I can nearly guarantee we’ll be late tomorrow. Perhaps you should be proactive and fill out the top part of tomorrow’s tardy slip for us.
Jabba’s Sis: At last we have the mighty Chewbacca.
The good news is that New Baby and Pretty Bride are home now, as is Helpful Mother-in-Law. So, I can go back to being Working Dad tomorrow and stick to what I know.
One interesting tidbit about the delivery: Pretty Bride gave the anesthesiologist the finger. This was right after she insulted the nurse anesthetist by interrupting his boilerplate “risks of epidurals” lecture with a “Yeah, I got it. When’s the anesthesiologist going to get here?”
When he did arrive, she disliked his repeated condescending remarks about her inability to be perfectly still while dilated to 8cm (and in the middle of contractions). So, she shot him the bird. I laughed out loud and felt quite proud. Plus, how 1980s is shooting the bird? Quite. And I love the ’80s.
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Like to read first-person accounts of ineptitude and middle fingers? Check out these funny blogs!
Nasty no-good nurse.
Neptune-sized Nubian.
Nervous-nelly nurturer.
Near-normalcy next?
My modus oprandi over the past 35 years of my relationship is to very carefully NEVER learn how to do things I don’t like doing. The partner soon gets fed up and does them himself. If you’re lucky, Pretty Bride will follow suit and mostly raise the kids :>)
BTW…for some reason my blog roll doesn’t like your blog, I’ve tried adding you to it for months and it doesn’t register. I may have to change my “nut hut” to banner links or something. I’m glad we had this talk.
AG, I don’t know about the “near-normalcy” part. That’s doubtful.
Bill, Thanks for the advice! Sounds like a great gameplan to me.
AK, Thanks! Keanu made “bogus” go out of style almost immediately after he said it.
That sucks about the roll! Are all wordpress blogs disliked by your blogger template? Hmmm.
I’m of the mind that anytime some normally small part of your anatomy is dilated to accommodate the impending passage of a Large and Painful Thing, you can say & do pretty much anything you want.
You are incorrect sir, the double bird is of the 80’s….single birds are all the rage nowdays.
Shield, I agree. I thought it damned funny.
PunkDad, Thanks for the correction, and I see you are to be consulted from now on anytime I want to reference obscene gestures from the 1980s!
Can’t Teen make Toddler’s lunch? You always made mine, which is why I had abnormally early tendencies towards alcoholism and perpetual bouts of stomach dissension. Although both conditions still exist today, I at least never went hungry!
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