Today I led the family to the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area for a 4-mile loop along the water through the woods. At one point, there were several dogs gathered together playing, causing Toddler to exclaim with glee, “Doggies!” Which I translate to mean, “How enjoyable! Let’s pause to reflect on the unbridled freedom leashless dogs can enjoy in a National Forest.”
So, we did. Just long enough for two of them to start humping.
Me: “Looks like they’re wrestling!”
Toddler: “Doggies ras-sle!”
Random Redneck from behind us: “Dan! Get off of Ann! Now! Shit.”
I see someone wasn’t forced to watch the last 30 seconds of “The Price Is Right” growing up. At least he read “Where The Red Fern Grows.”
Toddler: “Sheet, doggies! Sheet, Daddy!”
Me: “Thanks for the vocabulary lesson, buddy.”
We continued. Farther down the path, we came to a picnic area by the river, which, I hear, ain’t all that clean. There were some overweight kids playing in the water with a twenty-something woman wearing a white ribbed tanktop sans bra, her lovehandles pooching over her hips on both sides. She talked passionately on her cellphone and smoked a cigarette. I’m sure it was menthol.
Teen: “Dad, can we stop and get in the water too?”
Me: “I wouldn’t. This river is infamously dirty.”
Teen: “But those kids are doing it.”
Me: “Yes, they are. But let’s take a closer look at those kids and the litany of bad decisions that have led to their being waist deep in the Chattahoochee today…
Pretty Bride: “Muskrat! Inappropriate!”
Me: “What? Don’t you think we should take a moment to be judgmental?”
Pretty Bride: (scowling)
Me: “We’re not going to swim. Please look closely at mommy and her dirty urchins, though, as I believe it to be a good educational opportunity.
And educate us they did. Toddler has already expressed interest in getting spayed.
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That’s so weird that you mentioned “Where The Red Fern Grows” I was just talking with my dad about that book yesterday. Is that you paw?
Yes! Go get me another beer, son.
But I thought you could learn a lot about livin’ and a little ’bout love there. I am disappointed.
Oh Shield…you beat me to it.
The only thing I know about this river is that Alan Jackson went water-skiing there.
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