shaking hands with the general

There’s nothing quite like the hysteria a military unit will feel (during peacetime, anyway) shortly before a general officer is slated to visit.  There’s mopping of floors, straightening of furniture, and polishing of boots going on throughout the building instead of any of the work that’s supposed to be observed and commended.  I’ve always thought it a bit lame.

Yes, I can appreciate the tenacity and expertise required for one to get a star or two on his or her epaulet, but am I going to stop working so I can push a broom around?  No.  But here’s what I did instead.

See that window above?  That’s my office’s door.  Long before I moved in, some dildo stuck a metal door on the glass and wrote “PRIVATE” on it, using velcro to affix it to the glass when it’s shut.  Really?  Is that what we need in the wake of the rampant sexual assaults going on across the services the last couple decades?  A stepping stone?

So, I doctored the sign like this:

And in case you can’t see the note at the top, here’s a closer look:

Then I shut the flap across the window and closed the door, allowing everyone who walked by to assume that I was furiously touching my privates inside.

Lastly, I changed all the clocks to show this:

And I do mean “all the clocks.”

Then I wait for Mr Two Star to come in while everyone under my command remained absolutely horrified (or tremendously entertained…mainly the latter).  But dude never did.

He apparently bypassed my hallway before addressing our group in the conference room.  Must’ve been scared of the team of masturbating pot smokers.

Yellow belly.

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  1. Aint that always the way? You do extra work, and no one notices.

    I have a brigadier general in my family and it is always a hoot to see the reception he gets in the military world.
    .-= paige´s last blog ..Think its cold here? =-.

    • @Paige, Really? I think my family hoped, a long time ago, I might get a star one day, but they gave up on that years ago when I nearly got kicked out of Iraq for smuggling in liquor.

  2. Pretty Bride

    Please, for the love of all things holy, don’t get yourself sent to a war zone to burn feces. Please?

  3. You must be very entertaining to work for.
    .-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..It’s my blog and I’ll babble if I want to =-.

    • @Karen Chatters, That’s the rumor. For some reason, my folks are always inviting me to fly with them to other cities and drink a lot. I can’t understand why.

  4. After submitting your handwriting to analysis, I’ve learned that the enormous dots on your “i’s” imply that you are quick to anger. The slight slant in the letter forms indicates that you probably have a mental disorder. And the sharp, stabby tails on your “y’s” and “g’s” paint you as extremely violent.

    You must be a fun guy to hang out with on a Friday night!
    .-= Dave2´s last blog ..Gumby =-.

  5. **snort** That gives me so much new meaning to the phrase ” rooollll tide”. heehee.
    .-= Kim´s last blog ..Hummingbirds… =-.

  6. The post loaded in my reader, and I saw the title and the “Private” image, and thought, “Dude’s gonna talk about whacking off”.

    Then I read the first sentence and thought, “Oh wait, this is about his time in the military.”

    Then I laughed.
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..Leaving Them With Someone Else =-.

  7. @Pretty Bride I have burned my share of human excrement for my country.

    Oddly enough I’ve never taken pride in the job, no matter how well done.

  8. As a former military contractor, I really appreciate the sign. Because, in the JID, that wouldn’t have been tolerated. And that makes it more awesome.
    .-= Windsor Grace´s last blog ..I didn’t know that was even an option! =-.

  9. They would shit themselves if I did that here in my office! LOL! Our 3-star doesn’t take well to jokes. LOL!
    .-= Keyona´s last blog ..Letting Go =-.

  10. Where do you work again? Seriously…you have issues. 🙂 I like those issues, however.

  11. I think “FTMP” needs to become the next famous acronym.
    .-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Am a Dork so you don’t have to be =-.

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