On its 4th attempt, the United States Air Force was successfully able to get about 20 “on orders” Airmen and two hitchhikers home via a KC-135 that landed in Nashville. Instead of going home, however, I drove 4hrs east to Bristol, TN for a NASCAR race, where I met my father and a friend from undergrad for seats in the second row of the second turn. Here are my top five observations over the past few years of attending races:
5) Bristol, Aug 2008:
overheard conversation next to a high end RV: “I ain’t never been to a race before, but I gotta figger I’ll do anything once. ‘Cept sucka dick. I ain’t gonna sucka dick once, no matter whatcha offer me. Come to think about it, if I offer you a cool mil to sucka dick, and you have to think about it fer more than a second, yer probably a homo!”
4) Bristol, Aug 2008:
overheard conversation in line for a golf cart ride to the track from the “medallion” parking lot:
woman in tanktop with “Bristol” in glitter across chest: “All married men are assholes. Like you, for instance. You’re here with your buddy while your wife is sitting at home, and I know you think I’m hot and want to fuck me. I can tell by how you’re staring at my tits!”
man in white Polo shirt (likely a former SEC fraternity President, 15 years and 30 lbs. ago): “Hey now, that ain’t true. I ain’t hittin’ on you. I like to go to the races now and again and look around, but it ain’t like I’m tryin’ to do nothin’ with nobody. Shit!”
woman with glitter tank: “Yeah right. C’mon, you think I’m hot don’t you?”
man in white Polo shirt:
woman: “Okay, I am officially drunk now. I mean, I AM FUUUUUUCKED UP!”
3) Talladega, May 1997:
from a tanktopped man with three teeth, who sneaked behind the truck where we were tailgating and stuck his head under the tarp that connected the backs of a Jeep Cherokee and a Ford Expolorer: “Hey! (sniffing) Y’all got some wacky weed? I know’d I just smelt me some wacky weed, and I come o’er here to get me some. Reckon I could get a bud?”
2) Talladega, May 1997:
from a sweaty, bestubbled man, running towards us as we pulled into a parking spot in front of a former school bus, painted black like Dale Earnhardt’s #3 race car: “Y’all might not want to park here jus’ yet. My buddy just took a header (motions like he’s doing the wave with one hand) off the top of our bus, and we fixin’ to hafta take him to the ER!”
1) Talladega, May 1996:
from a prepubescent boy with a mullet hair cut, just after he tripped over his feet in the grass infield, sprung up, looked around, and thrust his right hand into the air with a “hook em horns” sign: “Wooo Hooo! I’m 14, and I’m WHISKEY DRUNK!”
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Enjoy a funny blog that isn’t so tacky as to ridicule the writer’s favorite pastimes? Looky here.
Would going from Alaska to Bristol be like going from one extreme to another?
Welcome back to the lower 48.
I almost just sprayed coffee on my screen reading #4. I mean, I wasn’t there…but I was, you know? Still can’t stop laughing…
Holy shit those cracked me up. It’s hard to believe that people like that actually walk the earth, but I’ve been to “The Walmart” so nothing surprises me.
Rat, you have too much time on your hands. Perhaps you should start lecturing at Emory Law, whilst supporting community efforts, enjoy being married to a PhD, raise two girls, then run for president…oops, someone has beaten you to it! Oh well, you’ll just have to settle for a virtual military career. My best.
Harlin, Glad to…but I don’t think Emory would pay to hear me speak.
pure joy.
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I still haven’t been to Bristol yet but hear its a great time!
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Great post!