Today’s my mom’s birthday. She was born in ’46, so she’s pretty old I suppose. Her present was driving my dad back from a hospital in Chattanooga to their home in northern Alabama following some kind of robotic surgery. I guess that’s better than having a birthday on the 23rd when he was in surgery, but still–pretty shitty.
That got me to thinking about a blog post: “All About My Mother” but without the transvestitism. Or, better yet, “Things My Mom is Better Off Not Knowing.” That’s a little better.
1) When you told me my name would have been Melanie had I been a girl, I thought you were an idiot. Melanie? Named after a fruit or a euphemism for boobs? I totally would have been a hooker (but spelled Mellony).
2) You weren’t real popular among the neighborhood kids. It could’ve been your willingness to drag someone else’s kid out of a church service for a spanking. Or your willingness to spank a neighbor’s child in our front yard for pissing on your azaleas. Or your willingness to pull out the white plastic cutting board and spank your own son in the middle of a backyard football game. It’s hard to say. But one afternoon after watching “The Breakfast Club” on TBS right before I went to college, I walked across the street to the woods where I’d spent much of my childhood to look for the giant tree on which we’d all carved our names in 1984. And, I saw someone had carved–on the back side of the tree–“Mrs Muskrat is a bitch.” Don’t worry, though…I pulled out my pocket knife and scratched it out.
3) One time when you were screaming at me for being on the phone instead of doing my homework, I taped it. I played said tape to everyone on the back of the bus during the 11th grade field trip to Washington, DC. It got a lot of laughs. I still remember such great lines as, “You’re not gonna step foot out of this house–except to go to school and church” and “No! The only thing that’s queer is your attitude!” I’ll have to remember that one for future use.
4) When y’all moved my bedroom to the other side of the house, where my window was 7′ off the ground, so I wouldn’t sneak out at night, you underestimated how easy a pull-up is for a boy with a pull-up bar in his doorway who did 30 every morning. When I’d say, “I wonder who rolled so-and-so last night?” I really knew who had.
5) I came home one night in highschool and heard you screaming a bunch. I thought you and Dad were fighting for about 10 seconds until I figured out y’all weren’t fighting, and I went to the toilet to throw up.
6) After a couple months of college, all of us pledges were sitting in a meeting with our pledge trainer, Steve, and he singled me out and asked if I had strict parents. A friend who’d grown up with me gave an emphatic “Yes.” Steve said, “It shows. Dude always shows up on time, does a good job at post-party cleanups, and seems to be making his grades. As for the rest of you fuckups…” For about 5 seconds, I was actually glad you were a Nazi for the 18 years I was under y’all’s roof.
7) Before I knew about blogs, I used to send a couple emails every week to a friend from highschool at his university. He’d print them, bind them, and give them to me at Christmas and summer breaks, so that my college experience would be memorialized. Anticipating that I’d be sent to Iraq in 2003, I went through every page with a Sharpie and redacted anything I didn’t want you to read if I were killed, since I knew you’d be the one going through my things. I didn’t want you to feel like you’d failed.
In any event, thanks for always being there, even when I didn’t particularly want you to be at the time. In the words of a Vanderbilt football fan, “There’s always next year.”
#7 made me snot up. You’re a good son, Muskrat. 🙂
@countessa, maybe now I am…not so much a few years ago.
The Muskrats aren’t sentimental folk, are they?
.-= headbang8´s last blog ..Two C’s of Chuckie D. =-.
@headbang8, some are; others…no.
More than the sentiment, more than the hearing your parents confirm that you were not adopted, what will stick with me is your significant use of the phrase “y’all”.
.-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..Pick The Lies: Volume 3 =-.
@scifi dad, it really should be a staple of everyone’s vocabulary.
#5 did this one involve spanking as well?
sorry to give you that mental image.
.-= William´s last blog ..The Other Man. =-.
@william, thanks for making me ill again.
this is so good.
especially #7
@elle, thanks?
And why exactly were your throwing up in the toilet?
.-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..That’s Right, I’m Not From Texas (But Texas Occasionally Lets Me Bring My Nasally Northeastern Self Within Point-Blank Range) =-.
@always home, so i wouldn’t have to clean the floor?
Happy birthday, Mrs. Muskrat (even tho you’re rumored to have been a spanker-bitch).
I am blessed to have never heard or witnessed my parents doing . . . that. And my mom will forever regret we didn’t have a second story to our house when I was in my teens. And I am forever grateful. I couldn’t have done the pull-ups and I would’ve missed out on some awesome, illegal sex.
.-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Announce the WINNERS of the Simply Caramel Milky Way Contest so you don’t have to =-.
@JD, Then I’m very happy for you and am rethinking my plans to buy a ranch.
Had to come out of the feedreader to laugh at the last sentence. I am that fan and graduate.
.-= Busy Mom´s last blog ..Where can I find Chuck Norris? In Bob Costas’ hair, apparently =-.
@busy mom, It’s tough, isn’t it? I’ve always liked Vandy when they weren’t playing the Tide. It was one of the 3 schools to which I applied; I just didn’t want to go to school 15 minutes from my folks.
I’d have fucked you if you were named Melanie.
.-= Avitable´s last blog ..Shamurder =-.
@avitable, That’s good to know. *vomits again*
How did you manage to be irreverent and sweet at the same time?
So awesome.
.-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Only A Bunch Of Douches Would Call Themselves “The Orlando Mafia”. =-.
@miss britt, it’s a gift. some people can ice skate or do ski jumps. i vacillate between crude and sentimental.
Linked here from Always Home and Uncool – just wanted to pop in and say this was a great post, and it very much reminded me of my own mom. There’s plenty of stuff my mom’s better off not knowing about my growing-up days. Heh, that’s probably a universal truth for moms everywhere.
.-= Holmes´s last blog ..The Coward Joseph Stack =-.
@holmes, i believe you’re right! i didn’t include the stuff that could get me arrested again.
–>I clicked through from The Bloggess to your site because your comment made me laugh. This post was hilarious and actually, I censor myself on my own blog just In Case my mom reads it. It’s ridiculous. Then again, she still yells at me when I say hell in front of her.
@debthaxton
http://www.WebSavvyMom.com
.-= WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..Tech Tip: Creating an Add This Button =-.
@websavvy mom, Does she put soap in your mouth? ‘Cause mine did. That’s why I only type profanity now, because soap on my hands doesn’t concern me.
This was so great. Downright adorable. (ducking)
.-= sweetsalty kate´s last blog ..Never get into a thumb war with death. Death has really, really long thumbs. =-.
@sweetsalty kate, adorable?
Laughed so hard at this.
TAPED YOUR MOM YELLING??!!
THAT’S AWESOME!!
I say to your Mom-way to bring the spank!
😉
My Mom’s not a bitch; she’s just kinda cold. #whatever