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# The Muskrat

Sometimes I say things that are inapropriate

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## Posts

- [oktoberfest in munich](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/10/01/oktoberfest-in-munich/) - After we ran with the bulls in Pamplona for my de facto partner's 40th birthday last summer, we returned to the states where I resumed my summer job with fire watch services in Hialeah. There, amidst the blazing Florida heat, our team's diligence was as intense as the Spanish sun, tirelessly working to prevent the
- [milestones and molars](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/03/28/milestones-and-molars/) - I started seeing my current dentist in 2001 after getting a recommendation from a colleague. I picked him because the internet told me he'd gone to school in Nashville (where I grew up), and because his office was a couple blocks from the Bank of America tower where I worked. His office was pretty shabby,
- [what i've learned in my 20-year relationship with tequila](http://fathermuskrat.com/2014/05/15/tequila/) - a history of my experience with tequila
- [how blogging saved my newly-minted six-year-old's birthday](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/07/18/how-blogging-saved-my-newly-minted-six-year-olds-birthday/) - After we found and joined a local pool a couple months ago, we figured we'd have Maddie's 6th birthday party there on July 16th, so I assumed my bride would put everything together, I'd pay for it and show up, and all would go well like every other event we host for our children. We
- [you don't forget the guys who run from the cops with you](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/03/14/you-dont-forget-the-guys-who-run-from-the-cops-with-you/) - I just got an email from a friend of mine with whom I worked my first job after undergrad; his name is Jesse. We had a 1 to 2 inch conglomerate of foam, expanded metal, and beige cloth between our cubicles as "inside sales" reps at IBM in the late 1990s. Or was it "territory
- [how to cope with a snow storm in atlanta](http://fathermuskrat.com/2014/01/29/how-to-cope-with-a-snow-storm-in-atlanta/) - As you may have heard in the news, Atlanta had a bit of snow yesterday about lunch time. I had to see my allergist that morning and saw the flakes in Cobb County, just north of the city. I was excited. When I arrived at my office in Buckhead, there were merely flurries. Half an
- [hawks cay resort](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/10/23/hawks-cay-resort/) - Last week, I had a trial lawyers' conference at Hawks Cay resort on Duck Key, and it was awesome. Possibly the best "total package" travel destination I've visited (Hawaii and Europe require long flights, y'all!). My bride and I flew down early Tuesday morning and boarded our bitchin' black convertible Camaro at the Miami airport.
- [there's no masturbation in the tundra](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/09/12/theres-no-masturbation-in-the-tundra/) - Him: Do you have a lot of experience with trucks? Me: The last time I drove a pickup truck was in high school, when I worked for my friend's dad's landscaping company. He had a 1970-something white piece of shit truck with "3 on the tree" and a spare tire tied to its roof. We
- [travel](http://fathermuskrat.com/2014/01/27/travel/) - I get the "The Atlantic" delivered to my office each month, and in September's issue there was an interview by actor Andrew McCarthy of travel writer Paul Theroux entitled "I Hate Vacations." I liked the last few sentences of the interview so much that I ripped the bottom corner out of the magazine and saved
- [choosing teams](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/02/03/choosing-teams/) - I had Saturday, January 30th marked on my calendar for several weeks: we were going to the zoo at 10, a 40th birthday party around 3, a wedding reception at 7, and a "twitter meetup" at some point that evening. See the picture? Proof I don't make this stuff up. And yes, I have itineraries
- [the meanest, most amusing prank i've ever known](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/28/the-meanest-most-amusing-prank-ive-ever-known/) - After reading The Nemesing One's recent post about delighting in the torment of others, I was inspired to write the following tale about Shane, the guy we wished a happy 40th on July 29. When Shane isn't deploying with me to Iraq, he works as a trauma nurse at a busy, well-regarded hospital in Nashville.
- [a veteran looks at 40](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/28/a-veteran-looks-at-40/) - Here is the email I wrote a close friend who turns 40 tomorrow. Shane and I deployed to Iraq together in March 2003 and slept in cots a few inches apart for 5 months in a tent with no air conditioning, showers, or running water. Embellished yarns, smuggled alcohol, and illicit affairs were the
- [i'm totally the david copperfield of iraq](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/21/im-totally-the-david-copperfield-of-iraq/) - The first time I deployed in support of OIF, Americans were still fairly novel creatures to the regular "Joe Iraqi" townsfolk, as were our beardless faces, our cargo pants, and--most intriguing--our sunglasses. On one of the two trips I took "outside the wire" while there (both unauthorized), I saw firsthand the perception they had about
- [on veterans day](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/11/on-veterans-day/) - I was sitting here wondering which story to tell tonight when a flashing light on my blackberry signaled a message from my friend Jon, the managing editor at an Atlanta newspaper, wishing me a happy Veterans Day. I met Jon five years ago at a luncheon; he heard me refer to my recent deployment to
- [a series of fortunate events](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/07/14/a-series-of-fortunate-events/) - I never actually expected to have a trip to Hawaii count as "annual training" when I saw the email mentioning an opportunity to do just that about 6 months ago. But here I am. In Hawaii. Getting paid. I arrived Friday afternoon after 10 hours next to a 25-year-old PhD student from Charleston who came
- [my 9/11 and the aftermath](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/09/11/again/) - In 2001, I worked on the 51st floor of the Bank of America tower, the tallest building in the southeast. I'd been at work about 30 minutes when my phone rang. It was one of my lawschool classmates who worked at Turner: she: "Go to cnn.com." me: "Why?" she: "Because a plane just hit the
- [thank you, muhammad](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/11/11/thanks-muhammad/) - Among the pages of captioned color photographs from my 2003 deployment is one that sticks out. There's a woman in uniform, not unlike every other picture I have of persons in Iraq. But then there's this guy. He has no BDU t-shirt or DCU pants; he's in a white cotton button up with rolled sleeves
- [explanations](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/05/02/explanations/) - Me: Did y'all talk about anything that happened in the news today at school? Maddie: No, we never talk about stories from the news at my school. Me: You didn't hear about a guy named Osama bin Laden? Maddie: No. I don't know who...I don't know that person. Me: Well, he's bad, but he was
- [gone mustache gone](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/12/01/gone-mustache-gone/) - Thanks to the good folks at Philips Norelco, I got cool free equipment for concluding Movember. And, they matched $15,000 of our team's donations to eradicating men's cancers! This is what kicking ass looks like from a corporation. And now, I give you "Movember Shrugs." If you too would like to upgrade your face like
- [how NOT to respond to the prospect of foreign objects in your ass](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/02/26/how-not-to-respond-to-the-prospect-of-foreign-objects-in-your-ass/) - Today I took our dog, Winnie, and Maddie to a vet who just opened shop a couple miles from our house. Winnie needed to go for a shot or something, and Maddie just likes to go wherever Winnie goes. Winnie was excited to be there and get the attention all the vet techs poured on
- [a conversation with winnie the dog](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/13/a-conversation-with-winnie-the-dog/) - Since my last post was construed by some as anti-canine, I'll publish this gem from four years ago, pre-marriage, pre-blog, pre-children, etc. I had a habit of spending a few hours after work on Friday night drinking alone on my deck and talking to my dog, Winnie, while waiting on the neighbors to get ready
- [what dogs have joined together, let no man put asunder](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/03/15/what-dogs-have-joined-together-let-no-man-put-asunder/) - I'll bet I have a better "worst cacophony" story than you do. In fact, I dare you, Internets, to come up with a better story about a horrendous noise than this one: the sound a bitch makes while being dragged by her doggy vag. When I was about 12, our next door neighbors had a
- [a day at dad 2.013 and some somewhat related collateral damage](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/02/04/a-day-at-dad-2-013-and-a-weekend-with-the-military/) - I packed a bag Wednesday night about midnight: a light one. Didn't even have to do the zipper that expands its height like I do on normal weekend flights. Had coffee with friends; dropped off shirts at the cleaners; did some work a few hours; met 3 colleagues at Panera Bread for lunch. It was
- [mardi gras 2014](http://fathermuskrat.com/2014/03/03/mardi-gras-2014/) - This year's 4-day weekend preceding Fat Tuesday went very much like my last 4 4-day weekends preceding Fat Tuesday, but this one was warmer and included a smaller group of participants. I wanted to experience some new restaurants if possible and maybe spend not quite so many hours out in the French Quarter at night.
- [it starts at breakfast](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/02/hello-world/) - Today at breakfast, we learned from the Tween that her classmates and she are pairing up to raise baby eggs. By the time her name came up, they were apparently out of boys, so she and a friend are playing sisters who are adopting, which, as she pointed out, was a much better scenario than
- [how i met yo mama](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/31/how-i-met-yo-mama/) - It was New Year's Eve 2005. I reluctantly agreed to attend a party one of my little brother's thug friends (am I the only person who assumes all my younger sibling's friends are thugs?) was throwing at his apartment in midtown instead of going out of town like I usually did, meaning I was forced
- [1,576,800 minutes](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/07/1576800-minutes/) - 1,576,800 minutes. 1,576,800 moments so dear. 1,576,800 minutes--how do you measure, measure 3 years? In flowers planted, plantings killed, children conceived*, dogs adopted, miles driven, planes boarded, moments stolen, deployments endured, laughter shared, jokes created, basements finished, mountains climbed, rooms painted, blog posts published, rules broken, neighbors offended, friends made, friends alienated, funerals attended, weddings
- [a most dadding weekend](http://fathermuskrat.com/2014/02/10/a-most-dadding-weekend/) - There hasn't been a weekend in recent memory during which I felt like more of a dad than I did this past one: February 7-8, 2014. Friday night was Maddie's daddy/daughter dance event at her elementary school. I'd heard of events like this one from FaceBook, and I knew there was one last year--her first
- [the 2014 dad 2.0 summit in new orleans](http://fathermuskrat.com/2014/02/04/the-2014-dad-2-0-summit-in-new-orleans/) - This was damned close to being the Dad 2.0 Summit In Which I Stayed Home instead of the one in New Orleans, but thanks to sponsorship of my hotel and ticket by Microsoft and a pep talk from Doug, I went. And you know what? I'm glad. And not just because I love trips to
- [mom 2.0 and a streetcar named "four loko"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/04/19/mom-2-0-and-a-streetcar-named-four-loko/) - Thursday evening at 5pm, I landed in New Orleans to finish what I started at Mardi Gras. Or to live blog a mom blogging conference. Or maybe it was to meet the last blogger I've enjoyed reading for years but had yet to meet. Or I felt obligated to rejoin the friends I'd made at
- [merry christmas! ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/12/25/merry-christmas/) - Because family Christmas photos were meant for Buddy the Elf costumes.
- [2011:  the year of the muskrat](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/01/01/2011-the-year-of-the-muskrat/) - I realized I claimed 2008 was the Year of the Muskrat, but I was foolish and naive back then. Here's why 2011 was, in fact, The Year (especially in comparison to 2010): I start writing for DadCentric, and it almost immediately gets voted the #1 dad blog in the world by Babble. And then again
- [be gone, flowering bushes!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/01/13/be-gone-flowering-bushes/) - What is that? A duck blind? Apparently, just before you die, your bushes start eating your windows. Aha! It's a residence! Tame that bush, little shaver! 1-800-TAME-HER. There's much left to do to the outside, such as painting, re-landscaping, replanting the grass, fixing cracks in the driveway, and replacing whatever chunk of pipe was shooting
- [donkey](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/01/18/donkey/) - And that's all I have to say about that.
- [sweet!  beers and dads (or supporters of dads)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/02/06/sweet-beers-and-dads-or-supporters-of-dads/) - I'm hosting a meetup to drum up excitement and participation (and one free ticket!) to the impending Dad 2.0 conference coming up next month in Austin, TX this Thursday night (Feb. 9) at SweetWater Brewery during happy hour (5pm til 8pm). I've reserved us the VIP area, where we'll get tours of the brewery and
- [photo dump (or, activities following the absence of the proverbial "cat")](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/02/13/photo-dump-or-activities-following-the-absence-of-the-proverbial-cat/) - I have a tendency to let my camera+ photos collect for months without uploading them anywhere, so tonight, I pulled a few from the past few months. The below represent Saturday activities with the children when their mother is off being productive or something. And no, it wasn't Halloween. The amazing Window Crawler! We remember
- [how to win friends and influence people at mardi gras](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/02/20/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-at-mardi-gras/) - Howdy Ho! This year, I thought it rather foolish to go to New Orleans for a 13th time and spend my 4th Mardi Gras, given my crossing into "upper thirties" territory last June and my work wife's turning 40 just a couple months ago. Also, how was I to top my Buddy the Elf does
- [in a parking lot, nine years later](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/03/04/in-a-parking-lot-nine-years-later/) - Saturday, March 3, 2012 at 7:45am outside a military dental clinic: I walk across a parking lot and see a Lieutenant Colonel and a Captain walking out of the building I'm about to enter. The Captain looks familiar. I stop to stare. They walk past me; I start stepping toward the automatic doors a few
- [the dad 2.0 summit and what i found in texas](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/03/12/the-dad-2-0-summit-and-what-i-found-in-texas/) - "Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don't look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down." -- Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Stanley Kubrick's FULL METAL JACKET I searched Texas for the famed steers and queers, and I found but one steer. So, I rode it. For a
- [my review of the 2012 dad 2.0 conference](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/03/15/my-review-of-the-2012-dad-2-0-conference/) - My initial post about my trip to Austin was exceedingly pithy (as was my second post), so I figured y'all need an expanded version. At the end of Mom 2.0 in April 2011, at the announcement that there'd be an inaugural Dad 2.0 in 2012, my thoughts included: a) Do we need a separate conference
- [why i love a good "mutemath" show](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/03/26/why-i-love-a-good-mutemath-show/) - I caught my fourth MuteMath show a couple Sunday nights ago, and as upset as I was to miss the season finale of "The Walking Dead," here's why it was totally worth the VIP package: 1.) They look great in blue. 2.) Paul doesn't shy away from a close up. 3.) Darren doesn't mind a
- [meme like it's 2008 (compliments of "always home and uncool" kevin)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/04/04/meme-like-its-2008-compliments-of-always-home-and-uncool-kevin/) - I started blogging in '05 but started this site in '08, and at that time, there were a bunch of memes going around, wherein one blogger would "tag" a bunch of others with an award or a series of questions to answer. Here are some of those old posts, in case you've forgotten. Well, apparently,
- [a very muskrat spring break](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/04/05/a-very-muskrat-spring-break/) - Ginger: You have a hard time saying "no," don't you? Me (surveys the 4 children, dog, and 2 birds in her hair salon): That might be true. Thursday of last week, I looked at my planner for this week and realized I had nary a deposition or hearing all week! We were already going to
- [happy easter!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/04/07/happy-easter/) - Or else it gets the hose again.
- [a review of my bidet](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/04/22/in-case-you-were-wondering-how-our-new-houses-bidet-works/) - Because of my mother's reaction to my question about the toilet tissue holders tightly wrapped in paper and stacked in a box on top of the toilet in my parents' bathroom as a child (something like "That's a private product meant for women only!"), I was hesitant to ask whether Crocodile Dundee was wrong or
- [a muskrat in maryland!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/04/23/a-muskrat-in-maryland/) - Last week, your government did all of us the service of sending me to Frederick, Maryland for some critical training in the art of watching PowerPoint slides. Luckily, there was some down time in the evenings. At the suggestion of my Baltimore-residing friend with expertise on all things Epicurean, Charlie, I tried a restaurant called
- [at the georgia aquarium for world immunization week](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/05/01/at-the-georgia-aquarium-for-world-immunization-week/) - What are we doing in these pictures, and how are our activities helping children all over the world get the chance to grow up and sue people? Find out via my post here on DadCentric!
- [the last of the littles hits 2](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/05/08/the-last-of-the-littles-hits-2/) - Last week, we had parent-teacher conferences for Maddie the 5-year-old and Owen the 3-year-old at their preschool. At Maddie's, I learned she tends to hold her pee until she's visibly uncomfortable, so she doesn't miss anything going on in class. She likes helping the younger children and being a leader, frequently to the point of
- [seeing someone realize her dream, and how to keep a bookstore manager from ruining the experience](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/05/20/seeing-someone-realize-her-dream-and-how-to-keep-a-bookstore-manager-from-ruining-the-experience/) - After bbq with Heather and 2+ hours of catching up while standing in line, we got to see Jenny during her Atlanta book signing! Everyone in line had sticky "post it" notes of varying colors inside their books to signify tiers of early signing, but we didn't get there early enough to get a sticky
- [farewell parties and my soon-to-be-not-so-sweaty balls](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/06/04/farewell-parties-and-my-soon-to-be-not-so-sweaty-balls/) - Little Owen's teacher, Emily, is moving away and won't be his teacher for the next 2 years, like she was slated to do. Despite my first interaction with her being an email in which I claimed to have restraining orders against me for touching children inappropriately, I think she liked me okay by the time
- [air!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/06/05/finally/) - I haven't been this happy to see a mechanical device since I came upon that bull in Austin, TX at the Dad 2.0 Summit. This has been the first evening in weeks that I haven't been miserably allergic to our house. I didn't know I had any allergies until pretty recently, actually, but I never
- [37 years!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/06/10/37-years/) - I actually wrote a paragraph about my recently turning 38 and how I didn't want to do anything for my birthday this week, because who cares about turning 38, and I'm busy and too grown up to give a shit about my birthday when I have children to please on their birthdays, and who the
- [me in 21 days](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/06/14/me-in-21-days/) - What the hell have I agreed to do? (source)
- [happy fathers day](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/06/17/happy-fathers-day/)
- [my "running with the bulls in pamplona" training video (+ interview)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/06/20/my-running-with-the-bulls-in-pamplona-training-video-interview/)
- [crossing off someone else's bucket list item](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/06/30/crossing-off-someone-elses-bucket-list-item/) - Thursday, June 21st at 10am: Me: I think I'm going to hop on an Air Force plane for Colorado Springs this weekend. You ever been out there? Got any suggestions besides Garden of the Gods and the Academy? My paralegal: One of my "bucket list" items is to see a show at Red Rocks Amphitheatre...isn't
- [sharpies don't kill ponies](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/07/05/sharpies-dont-kill-ponies/) - Two-year-olds with Sharpies kill ponies. Just leaving something for y'all to remember me by. Boarding the plane for Spain in a few minutes!
- [empty](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/07/22/empty/) - For the first time in 7 years, I'm in my house completely alone for several days. I wouldn't say the silence is deafening, since a.) that's a stupid cliche I've never understood anyway, b.) I can still hear our refrigerator hum, so c.) clearly, my hearing is still fine! But it definitely feels as if
- [the space center, 27 years later](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/07/28/the-space-center-27-years-later/) - One of my most trafficked posts (because of its mentioning "boners") is this one about going to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville on a field trip when I was in the 5th grade. Well, today, I went back, while my bride taught some women to sew. Although, sadly, there was no accompaniment
- [connecticut and new hampshire:  crossed off](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/07/30/connecticut-and-new-hampshire-crossed-off/) - The first time my maternal grandfather left Clay County was when the high school basketball team where he served as manager had an away game. A couple years later, he hitchhiked down to Tuscaloosa and asked President Denny if he could have a scholarship to the University. He got one. He sold candy on fraternity
- [eastern vermont:  a nice place to go escape the black folks](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/08/01/eastern-vermont-a-nice-place-to-go-escape-the-black-folks/) - Two of the guys from the bar came with me in a rented Altima as we headed west to a border town called White River Junction. There lay a restaurant called "Tip Top Cafe" that was recommended by the friend of a friend. It was excellent. And, our server, Abigail, was kind enough to suggest
- [the last and the smallest:  rhode island](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/08/02/the-last-and-the-smallest-rhode-island/) - The drive to Providence was long and distinguished, like my johnson. Mainly because of the traffic around Boston, which has little to do with my johnson but is relevant here for purposes of explanation. But once we arrived in Providence, it was phat city. This is the view from the window next to my table
- [new beginnings](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/08/22/new-beginnings/) - This is our 6-year-old girl the morning of her first day of elementary school. She started the 1st grade at a local public school last Monday. And this is her little sister, giving the world a shit-eating grin that says, "I don't start back to preschool 'til after Labor Day, bitches!" And this is her
- [home is where the misery was ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/09/05/home-is-where-the-misery-was/) - As I've referenced a few times this summer, I've spent pretty much this entire year sick when inside our house. My issues even made the screen of another blogger who referenced praying for me (which I thought was very kind)! Despite thousands of dollars demolishing walls in the basement, Owen's bedroom, our master bath, and
- [muskrat does dallas ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/09/13/muskrat-does-dallas/) - The last time I was in Texas, I searched in vain for steers and queers while attending a blogging conference. This time, I sought relief from the house that was making me sick, and I wanted to enjoy a bit o' college football. The setup went something like this about a month or two ago:
- [jet-setter muskrat or how i learned to stop worrying and love the mommyblogger](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/07/29/jet-setter-muskrat-or-how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love-the-mommyblogger/) - I decided I wanted to go to BlogHer last week, because the cool kids I already knew were going, and I wanted to meet a couple people whose words I liked, and one person from my hometown I'd been trying to meet for months, and I figured I could write it off, now that I'm
- [to mexico, for the children](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/12/06/to-mexico-for-the-children/) - A few weekends ago, I attended a charity ball in which the proceeds went to help kids who've been the victims of sexual abuse. There was a band, a live auction, an open bar, a silent auction, good food, and an open bar. It was my first such event (or, at least, my first time
- [how soap can revolutionize a man's undercarriage](http://fathermuskrat.com/2014/01/25/how-soap-can-revolutionize-a-mans-undercarriage/) - In honor of the upcoming Dad 2.0 summit in New Orleans (which is sponsored by Dove Men+Care) and partnering with brands, I give you the following post:* For years, I've watched as the privileged peddle products they've received in the mail while figuring out cute ways to toss in something that wittily alludes to something
- [pour some sugar on me](http://fathermuskrat.com/2014/01/09/pour-some-sugar-on-me/) - As a youngster who liked SEC football, the Sugar Bowl was a mythical place where young men went to become champions, and the privileged few with time and money and driver's licenses went to be a part of it all. I heard stories growing up of how my grandfather went to the train station to
- [christmas and the end of 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/12/29/christmas-and-the-end-of-2013/) - I seem to have taken a month off from posting (or reading) blogs. From what I read online, such is the trend, as blogging slowly fades away in favor of bursts of information delivered on the Facebook. Speaking of the Facebook (via its purchased Instagram), here are a couple videos prepared by Flipagram and Statigram
- [how much time have you spent in each united state? ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/11/12/how-much-time-have-you-spent-in-each-united-state/) - The above is a map I learned about from Dave at Blogography.com . It allows the creator a chance to indicate which states he's visited and how much time he's spent in each (the spectrum is red, yellow, blue, and green, going from least amount of time to greatest). I only gave myself a green
- [20 years later](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/11/04/20-years-later/) - Last weekend, I drove up to Nashville, Tennessee for my high school's 20-year reunion, because I graduated in 1993, and it's now 2013, and I'm told that means I've been out of high school for 20 years (but I'm still very young). At my 10 year reunion, I'd just flown back from a 6-month trip
- [why i'll never again drive my car on a BMX track](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/05/why-ill-never-again-drive-my-car-on-a-bmx-track/) - It was Friday, March 13, 1992, and Chad and I had 30 minutes to kill before Trey would clock out at Kroger. Next door lay Drakes Creek park, where I used to ride my blue Mongoose over the BMX track a few years prior. I looked at that chunk of hilly, curvy dirt and knew
- [too late](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/08/20/too-late/) - On Sunday, August 12, 2012 at 9:07pm I got the following email from my client, Willie Roth, whom I've been representing for 3 years: I want you to reach out to the defense and the insurance to see if their last offer is still on the table. If so, accept it, and let's be done.
- [halloween 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/10/31/halloween-2013/) - Happy Halloween !
- [muskrat to meet bloggers, take 5](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/05/19/muskrat-to-meet-bloggers-take-5/) - The first time I tried to meet a friend I made through blogging was in 2007 when I was writing from Iraq and befriended a doctor who was writing from the same location, shortly after he gave me a "shout out" following his getting a New York Times link to his blog, sending me several
- [a very muskrat halloween (a.k.a., a pictorial tutorial on inappropriateness)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/30/a-very-muskrat-halloween-aka-a-pictorial-tutorial-on-inappropriateness/) - Halloween 2007: I'm stuck in Iraq but dress like Bret Michaels from Poison, since he'd just performed for us a few weeks prior. I win "sexiest costume." Damn right I deserved it. Halloween 2006: My brother and I are Madonna with her recently adopted boy from Africa, David, and a barb-pierced Steve Irwin. Several people
- [heavy petting and apples ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/10/14/heavy-petting-and-apples/) - Yesterday we used a Groupon my wife bought a few months ago, because it expired today. It was for BJ Reece Orchards in north Georgia, and it allowed for reduced pricing on picking apples, petting barnyard animals, shooting rotten apples from cannons, riding ponies, and sitting in traffic. We took the 3 fruits of my
- [type a parenting and dancing on the ceiling](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/10/06/type-a-parenting-and-dancing-on-the-ceiling/) - Last weekend, I was slated to speak at the Type A Parent conference in Atlanta on Bloggers and the Law: What You Need to Know. Luckily, I was accompanied by the very seasoned blogging conference speaker Kerry O'Shea Gorgone, who talked for at least 85% of the time we were "on," since I had been
- [my last night in new hampshire and the next 3 in new york city](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/08/06/my-last-night-in-new-hampshire-and-the-next-3-in-new-york-city/) - Once training concluded on Thursday, I realized I'd spent the whole week traveling to other states to cross them off my "remaining" list and had hardly seen the great city of Portsmouth! So, I decided to slip on my Vibrams and go for a run. After a mile or so, I thought, "This town is
- [a layover in amsterdam](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/09/25/a-day-in-amsterdam/) - We boarded the plane in Atlanta about 10pm. By 2pm the next day, we were entering the Grand Amsterdam Hotel in all its 2-story, complete with bidet, glory. But more importantly, we were next door to the Greenhouse. And if you'll recall from Vincent Vega's and Jules Winfield's discussion about Amsterdam, you know the importance
- [killing the night:  a review of spain](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/09/16/killing-the-night-a-review-of-spain/) - “Nobody goes to bed in Madrid until they have killed the night.” -- Ernest Hemingway "That shit is true of Barcelona and Pamplona, too, Holmes." -- The Muskrat We arrived in Barcelona in the morning and, at the advice of Dave from Blogography, stayed at the Hotel 1898 on La Rambla. It was excellent. As
- [running with the bulls in pamplona](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/07/13/running-with-the-bulls-in-pamplona/) - After a coffee and a roll, we approach the pen. It's 7am on Sunday the 8th. It's full of prospective runners wearing white shirts, white pants, red bandanas, and red sashes. Chris enters. Me: I thought...aren't we going to watch today and run tomorrow? He disappears in the masses. Mike: I don't know about this.
- [how a boy turns 5:  rape and pillage](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/09/15/how-a-boy-turns-5-rape-and-pillage/) - Owen turns 5 in a few days, so we invited his preschool classmates to our newly renovated backyard Saturday for his choice of themed birthdays: pirates! In addition to a bunch of kids and parents I didn't know, I got to see my friends Karen (whom I know from social media) and Jody (whom I
- [handy](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/09/09/handy/) - No, I'm not talking about the extra something you get for going into the VIP area of a Canadian strip club; I'm talking about what I'm not. Home improvement projects for the past 16 years that I've been a grown up (i.e., out of undergrad) have meant paying someone. With each passing year, the list
- [a changing of the throne](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/06/17/a-changing-of-the-throne/) - Now that I've tried my hand at being crafty, I thought I'd try my hand at being handy! Why? Because I got an email from Dad Central consulting offering me an opportunity to receive a complimentary* Delta Elongated Water Saving toilet, install it, and write about it. They call it a "campaign." This was appealing,
- [four!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/09/26/four/) - Dear Owen, Your birthday was a few days ago, and sometimes I like to write you little letters on your birthdays to talk about...my feelings and stuff. I'm going to be honest. You were a pain in the ass for most of your 3rd year. Take the above photo for instance. We were remodeling your
- [dancing](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/10/01/dancing/)
- [bringing the children into my professional world (sort of)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/10/15/bringing-the-children-into-my-professional-world-sort-of/) - For as long as I've been practicing law, the annual "comp romp" was a highlight of the year: it's 1 day of continuing legal education (CLE) classes covering workers' compensation law stretched into 3 half days at St Simons Island, GA. When I worked at a big firm, we'd get giant houses on the water,
- [philadelphia](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/10/20/philadelphia/) - Since starting this self-employment racket, I've met at different times with a respected business consultant to solos who need assistance managing growth, marketing, strategic planning, etc. He actually told me not to quit my job and go out on my own in 2009 (saying I didn't have enough liquid capital), but I don't hold grudges.
- [the trouble with halloween](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/10/29/the-trouble-with-halloween/) - Halloween and I don't get along that well lately. For years, it was my favorite holiday...a chance to dress up, maybe win a prize, offend some people, and make folks laugh. And then last year at our firm's party, things got sort of ugly. This year, I willed myself not to let such tomfoolery occur
- [meddling kids.  and a ghost! ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/11/05/meddling-kids-and-a-ghost/) - And here's the smallest one in her preschool's Halloween pageant. Were there an award for "most niggardly costume," we'd have taken it:
- [veterans day with the ghosts](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/11/10/veterans-day-with-the-ghosts/) - Remember when I went on a paranormal investigation to the Waverly Hills Sanatorium last summer with some professionals? I'm doing it again tomorrow, on veterans day. This time we're headed to east Tennessee to the Old South Pittsburg Hospital. It's supposed to have some spirits or something living in it. I'm hoping they're deferential to
- [spooked!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/11/13/spooked/) - For the second time, I had the privilege of accompanying the very professional and knowledgeable Paranormal Georgia Investigations (PGI) team on an investigation! This time we visited this rather eerie place: the Old South Pittsburg Hospital in east Tennessee, which has been closed to the living since 1998 (living patients, anyway). We were briefed on
- [back in colorado (with emphasis on the "back")](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/11/21/back-in-colorado-with-emphasis-on-the-back/) - For the second time this year, I got the privilege of hopping onto a military aircraft and heading west to Colorado. And this time with fewer wildfires! I arrived on Thursday. The next morning, we met to do some training at 6am. After we finished, 3 of us (out of a group of 10) rented
- [to awol or not to awol](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/11/29/to-awol-or-not-to-awol/) - In my nearly 16 years as a Reservist, I've only done something really crazy---like sneak off base, hop on a plane, and leave the time zone---twice. The first time was in March 1999. My friend Chad was getting married, and I was to be a groomsman. I'd known Chad since the 5th grade when we
- [conclusion:  i probably shouldn't go awol](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/12/04/conclusion-i-probably-shouldnt-go-awol/) - 0635: I check his office as instructed (though a few minutes late). No sign of him. 0720: See him briefly in the hall after morning announcements. Me: I tried to come by this morning; you weren't there, but I... Him: This next briefing is important, but come to my office right afterward. Me: I can't.
- [violent](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/12/16/violent/) - It was 8:30am on Thursday. I was finishing in the shower after staying in bed an extra 2hrs to make up for going to bed at 3am after a black tie holiday party with 1400 lawyers or lawyers' spouses/partners/dates. Everyone else in the house was gone--my bride was driving the younger 2 to their preschools--so
- [christmas lights + music](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/12/25/christmas-lights-music/) - We went up to my parents' house a couple days ago, and they suggested visiting a house about 20 minutes away (in the Middle Of Nowhere, Alabama) with some "lights and Christmas music" they thought might be worth seeing. It was. This is how the loop starts: Here's the homeowners' favorite song/light show (and the
- [happy new year! ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2012/12/30/happy-new-year/) - This year for Christmas, my work wife got me a Whiskey Advent Calendar. Here we are trying the sample from 12/24, a 50-year-old fine specimen from Scotland. Happy New Year!
- [my 2012 and the road through 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/01/01/my-2012-and-the-road-through-2013/) - I just found the following sentences sitting in my "drafts" folder as part of a post I wrote in late January 2012; I obviously didn't finish it: I'm normally excited about a new year: new goals; new resolutions; new chance to see Alabama play for a national championship. But this year is different. 2011, especially
- [a new edition!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/01/08/a-new-edition/) - I love my fellow grammar snob friends. I got this email today from a girl (I guess she's a woman now, like Neil Diamond and Urge Overkill told us would happen soon) who has been like a sister to me since we were in the 9th grade together (as in, back in the late 1980s...this
- [good timing man](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/01/21/good-timing-man/) - When I was a senior in high school, I had a habit of pulling from a pile of outgrown t-shirts from the back of my father's closet and wearing them to wrestling practice. These t-shirts were primarily from a phase my old man had in his late 30s that consisted of solid colors and pithy
- [should i stay or should i go?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/01/30/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/) - I've actually dreaded tonight for the past 2 months, because of this conversation prohibiting my going out of town Friday. The one where I got dressed down in front of 2 of my peers by a little man who seems to lack authority in real life, so he must exert tremendous amounts of it in
- [are we assholes? ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/02/13/are-we-assholes/) - A few months ago, my bride told our oldest that if she made all A's in her international baccalaureate program during the fall semester of her senior year--the last one prospective colleges will likely see and evaluate--we'd take her to New York City for her spring break. She wanted to stave off senioritis and help
- [mardi gras 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/02/18/mardi-gras-2013/) - After my bride and a few friends have sung its praises over the past several months, I decided to start actually using the Instagram app I downloaded a couple years ago, and having it actually meant that I had something to do besides overindulge this year in New Orleans! I took a ton of pictures
- [nope.  not assholes, we. ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/02/25/nope-not-assholes-we/) - I was actually rather surprised at the internet's response to this question, given that it's 2013, and the Age of Commenting on Blog Posts concluded 4+ years ago. However, we (my bride and I) took your comments seriously, which were in stark contrast to the ones I got from all my litigator friends over drinks
- [robbed](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/03/01/robbed/) - I probably shouldn't have been going to my car. It was 12:30am. Happy hour had begun at 6:15, and the drinks had continued through dinner and into the early hours of tomorrow. My bride was texting every hour or so to make sure I knew I could rely on her to pick me up--because she
- [never meanin' no harm](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/03/13/never-meanin-no-harm/) - After finding out 2 friends had heart attacks and a 3rd has stage 4 cancer (all my age, all in my profession), I've had levels of nostalgia for the simpler times of the 1980s that are even higher than I have on a regular day-to-day basis. So, in the past couple weeks, I've done the
- [excretion issues](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/03/25/excretion-issues/) - Tonight after baths: Owen the 4yo: Daddy, my penis hurts. Me: Why? Owen: I put soap on it. It burns! Me: Why'd you do that? I told you to just scrub with the soap I put on your back and arms! Owen: Lola told me I needed to use soap on my penis. Me: Son,
- [2 teens, a bride, and a muskrat in manhattan](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/04/12/2-teens-a-bride-and-a-muskrat-in-manhattan/) - Being easily coaxed by the internet, we gave in and decided to let our soon-to-be-leaving-the-house senior and a friend go to NYC for her spring break last week, because we are not assholes. We flew up Wednesday night, dropped off suitcases at the condo we found on www.vrbo.com at 37th Street and 9th Ave, and
- [the capitol muskrat](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/04/24/the-capitol-muskrat/) - Like I did in October, I traveled this weekend to a legal conference that'll hopefully help me learn how to help military veterans, an area of law I wish to add have added to my practice this year. Besides the obvious reasons why Washington, DC is special to all Americans, it's special to me, as
- [the rise and fall of lola the muskrat](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/05/07/the-rise-and-fall-of-lola-the-muskrat/) - Dear Baby Lola (hereinafter "BL"): I'm trying not to be pissed at you. You see, for the first 2 years of your life, you were dreamy. You were the sweetest of the babies. Your smile was an infection everyone wanted to catch. You were good with new acquaintances. You were good at restaurants. You were
- [getting crafty with mike adamick](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/06/10/getting-crafty-with-mike-adamick/) - Yesterday, my cruel spouse spent the day manning her booth at the Indie Craft Experience and left me with 3 naughty children and a torrential rain storm (a realization I made 5 minutes after we arrived at the neighborhood pool). So, during nap time for the 2 youngest, I decided to get indie and crafty,
- [follow the muskrat with feedly!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/07/01/follow-the-muskrat-with-feedly/) - Here's the link: father muskrat blog. If you hurry, you can go to feedly.com and with one click (assuming you are logged into your google account), you can move your google reader blog subscriptions over to feedly. There are other ways to skin this cat, but this way seems to be the easiest. That said,
- [38!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/06/19/38/) - A few days ago (12) on a Friday, I turned 38. Because celebrating a birthday for only 1 day is for pussies sorely lacking in ambition, I stretched mine out for 3 consecutive days (just like I did last year). And, I'm having a birthday party later this month. On the night of June 6,
- [May 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/07/15/may-2013/) - It occurred to me recently that, for some reason, I barely posted in May, even though it was one of the most enjoyable months I've ever had. As we know, it started with our youngest's turning 3. And putting the 3 children in a box. A couple days later, I saw Smashing Pumpkins with two
- [a unicorn party, because she's 7](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/07/22/a-unicorn-party-because-shes-7/) - "What would you like to do for your birthday?" we asked her a month ago. "A unicorn party!" she exclaimed. I wasn't exactly sure what this would look like or entail. So, I figured it meant putting rainbow-colored balloons and a unicorn balloon on our mailbox. And a "pin the horn on the unicorn" game.
- [our return to the haunted hospital](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/07/01/our-return-to-the-haunted-hospital/) - Sunday night, I traveled for the 3rd time with the Paranormal Georgia Investigations (PGI) team on a paranormal investigation. Or, as I affectionately (and redneckingly) call it: I went ghost huntin'. We returned to the spot we explored on Veterans Day 2012: the Old South Pittsburg Hospital in east Tennessee. This time, however, I took
- [road trips to florida and alabama on crappy tires* will kill you](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/08/12/road-trips-to-florida-and-alabama-on-crappy-tires-will-kill-you/) - Last weekend, I was in Guntersville, Alabama with my friend Chad, who was there for a triathlon with his family, and I asked him about his tires. I was looking at his race bike, but he got all kinds of defensive about how he knows he needs to replace the tires on their minivan, so
- [putting the "father" in father muskrat](http://fathermuskrat.com/2013/09/03/putting-the-father-in-father-muskrat/) - My first experience officiating a wedding was full of frustration, anxiety, and chest pains. Primarily, this was because I'd lost my iphone the preceding Thursday night around 3am at a DragonCon hotel party after partying like this and like this while dressed like this: I don't always drink margaritas, but when I do, I do
- [a princess needs a prince like a fish needs a bicycle](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/16/a-princess-needs-a-prince-like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle/) - I guess all two-year-old girls like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White and Cinderella. And I suppose all two-year-old girls wear Snow White costumes every day after Halloween and preface their names when introduced to neighbors with "Princess." They probably all climb onto their fathers' laps before bedtime, hand them the same Little Golden Book version
- [friday the 13th, august 1993:  dressed like a rat, i made kids cry](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/07/friday-the-13th-august-1993-dressed-like-a-rat-i-made-kids-cry/) - The summer after I graduated from high school, I was the rat at Chuck E. Cheese pizza in Goodlettsville, TN. My last day was Friday, August 13; the next day, I was to begin packing for college. I'd worked all afternoon in the gameroom and only had about 15 minutes left before I would end
- [social media is for losing friends and offending people](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/08/26/social-media-is-for-losing-friends-and-offending-people/) - So I get a "friend" request from some woman named Brooke Beamer on Facebook. I click "ignore." A week later (this evening), she requests my friendship again, but she adds this note: I'm not sure if this is the Moe I'm looking for. I'm looking for a friend from Camp Winnataska who has a sister
- [matagalpa, nicaragua](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/12/20/matagalpa-nicaragua/) - We chose the longer trail, the two of us. The rest of the group opted for the short trail, as it was getting dark, and none of us had a flashlight. We crossed winding paths past large trees, across foot bridges, up hills and back down them...about a mile total. Darkness filled in around the
- [patching walls ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/12/11/patching-walls/) - Saturday morning, I took our 16-year-old to join a group of strangers at an old building by some railroad tracks near the airport to perform what we were told would be "renovations/clean up" work. The initiative was arranged by our church, which asked that we perform 8,000 service hours this Christmas season (we did 15,000),
- [coping](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/12/07/coping/) - I try to categorize bad news as either: 1) a problem or 2) an expense. If it's just the latter, I can bust my ass, file a bunch of lawsuits, and make the issue go away. But if it's the former (or if the expense is...say...$20,000 or so), great weeping and gnashing of teeth commence.
- [i want you...to donate!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/11/30/i-want-you-to-donate/) - And if you let Dave at Blogography.com know you've donated, you totally get put into a drawing for cool prizes from Avitable and him! Today's your last chance. Otherwise, as a colleague at my office said today, I'll go back to harassing Oliver Twist.
- [it is finished!  sort of.  ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/11/28/it-is-finished-sort-of/) - I just finished closing on the house we've pursued for the past several months. It took 3.5 hours. There were the 6 amendments to compile and review from the past two months. There was the fact that the roofer has yet to be paid. And someone forgot to get a termite letter. Mostly, there was
- [you probably have it pretty good](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/11/22/you-probably-have-it-pretty-good/) - I've spent the past several months, and particularly the past several days, extraordinarily frustrated with the process of trying to find, and then close on, a new home. NPR told me this morning that as real estate prices are down 20% in Atlanta from where they were last year, new home purchases have spiked this
- [an experiment](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/11/16/an-experiment/) - What I have is this: But what I was going for is this: But it ain't happening. At least, not on Day 16 of Movember. But by day 30? I'll totally be there.
- [olive garden > chili's](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/11/15/olive-garden-chilis/) - As Friday was coming to a close, my bride sent me a list of restaurants from a RedPlum email giving away free meals or portions of meals for Veterans Day. I've actually never taken advantage of such deals on Vets Day, but given that it was Friday, and the children love to eat at "rest-or-nots,"
- [like 10 elephants.  or one of jesus' friends.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/11/10/like-10-elephants-or-one-of-jesus-friends/) - Before bed time, I asked the 5, 3, and 1 year old children for their thoughts regarding the growth process of any facial hair they've observed the past 10 days. Their responses were beyond insightful: As far as Operation Eleanor goes, I'm not sure I've engaged in activities requiring overcoming fear every day this month,
- [changing the man in the mirror.  for at least a month, anyway.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/10/31/changing-the-man-in-the-mirror-for-at-least-a-month-anyway/) - Thursday night, I co-hosted a Halloween party that was preceded by a Four Loko, which I've since learned is NOT supposed to be consumed in one sitting, because it's like downing 4-5 beers at once. Doing this before dinner is an especially bad idea, and following it with sake and innumerable glasses of straight bourbon
- [the accidental meme](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/11/02/the-accidental-meme/) - I was visiting a few blogs I don't read often enough tonight and saw this post about doing something that scares you every day for a month. And then I thought: "Hey, it's only the 2nd day of November, but I've done that every day of this month! How cool am I? Very. I am
- [6 days of glorious "mo"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/11/06/6-days-of-glorious-mo/) - There is nothing pretty about this anorexic caterpillar parked on my face. I even got the "You going for the Chester the Molester look or something?" and "Did you lose a bet?" questions today at drill weekend, which surprised me, since the prevalence of mustaches among enlisted military folk is much higher than what I
- [the rock](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/10/26/the-rock/) - "I am a rock. I am an island." - Simon & Garfunkel Last weekend, I took Maddie to a classmate's 6th birthday party at one of those indoor playgrounds where they make the children get active and compete with each other in order to celebrate another year of life. We were late, but she took
- [almost better than the real thing](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/10/24/almost-better-than-the-real-thing/) - Disturbingly rare are the chances the Mrs and I have to go out and hear live music. However, when the opportunity to see an awesome cover band called Yacht Rock play the entire Thriller and Purple Rain albums at a small venue on a Saturday night presented itself, I had to buy tickets to nostalgia.
- [the great house hunt of 2011](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/10/20/the-great-house-hunt-of-2011/) - Ever since we moved out of our small, 3-bedroom bungalow to a cramped, 4-bedroom ranch a few miles north, we've been looking for what our 5-year-old calls our "forever house" (in contrast to our current "in-between house"). I thought this would be a fun process, given the real estate dystopia NPR describes every morning when
- [when the cat's away, the mice fuck up](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/10/04/when-the-cats-away-the-mice-fuck-up/) - Once or twice a year, my Pretty Bride leaves for several days, and this year's such trip is this week. Because I had my military drill weekend last weekend, and because we had a party to attend Saturday night before she flew away (and because the Alabama-Florida game was on at the party), we never
- [the last of the kits](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/09/26/the-last-of-the-kits/) - The only parenting activity in which I participate consistently is bath time. I put the 1, 3, and 5 year olds into the tub, wash chunks of dinner off their faces, remove the two girls, and then leave the boy by himself to do whatever it is that he insists on doing alone in the
- [my boy is 3](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/09/22/my-boy-is-3/) - Maddie turned 5 on July 16 without much pomp. We went to a park near our new home. She wanted Chick-fil-A for dinner. We brought in a cake. The high school aged employees realized what we were doing and gave her balloons and a hot fudge sundae of some sort. She told them she doesn't
- [special](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/09/15/special/) - Maddie: Will you hang this sweater up for me? It was on the floor. Me: Why do you want it hung up instead? Maddie: Because it's a very special sweater! Me: Who gave it to you? Maddie: I forgot.
- [patching up damaged first impressions](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/08/22/patching-up-damaged-first-impressions/) - So, my pretty but forgetful, negligent bride failed to address my accidentally sent email today at drop off and pick up as we'd discussed last night (where "discussed" means "I wrote about it on my blog and assumed that's what she'd do, because she loves me a whole lot"). I elected to search my trash
- [how she's fared since coming out of the closet](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/08/29/how-shes-fared-since-coming-out-of-the-closet/) - Now that Lola is sharing a room with her 5-year-old sister (at some point, I might write a birthday post about Maddie's turning 5 on July 16...just not today) instead of living in our closet, she's advanced remarkably in her self-confidence, assertiveness, and mobility. No longer content to squall at unsuspecting realtors who discover her
- [there is love in arizona](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/08/25/there-is-love-in-arizona/) - If you grew up black and on the streets in the 1980s like I did, you're familiar with the lyric, "Ain't no love in Oakland, bitch." Phoenix is just the opposite of Oakland. It started less than an hour after I landed, when someone I'd only met a few days prior (in person, anyway) invited
- [first impressions](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/08/21/first-impressions/) - A few hours ago, I got an email that included a nice article on how often young children need affectionate touching from their parents. It talked about needing like 12 hugs a day and how rubbing feet can be good for teens. It made me want to give warm affection to all the little screamers
- [still in booty camp](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/08/11/still-in-booty-camp/) - Will this harmonica end up in a toilet or my pants? I'll never tell. I called on my way home from work after the first day of Owen's blitzkrieg potty training to ask what was for dinner and got something like, "Whatever you fucking bring home or can find, ok?" from my sweet, patient bride.
- [traipsing through the whale's vagina](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/08/09/traipsing-through-the-whales-vagina/) - I've always wanted to see San Diego. Mainly because I love Ron Burgundy and TOP GUN. So, when BlogHer announced last August that San Diego was where 2011's conference was going to be, I went online and bought myself a ticket right quick. I even went two days early. I was most looking forward to
- [booty camp*](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/08/08/booty-camp/) - This arrived in the mail this evening, as our 2-year-old boy has to learn to use the shitter this week, or we're out a few thousand dollars in preschool tuition that we started paying this summer. I tried to pawn the task off on my mother before dropping the kids off at their house before
- [solo and sober:  a journey](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/07/31/solo-and-sober-a-journey/) - My military conference concluded with a keynote speaker. Thirty seconds after he finished, I was in civilian clothes and at the Science Museum of Minnesota to see King Tut's tomb. And after killing 3 hours with science and sushi, I saw Night Ranger, Foreigner, and Journey. And though I watched from afar, sober and solo,
- [minnesota](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/07/28/minnesota/) - I signed up for a conference in St Paul, Minnesota, because I needed to perform some more active duty before the end of the fiscal year, and Minnesota is one of five states I hadn't visited yet. So, now I'm down to four (VT, NH, CT, and RI). After the first day, I walked to
- [4 redbulls, 2 snickers, and a couple of orbs](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/07/12/4-redbulls-2-snickers-and-a-couple-of-orbs/) - We arrived at the Waverly Hills Sanatorium about 7:30pm. 16 of us: 13 professionals, 2 curious bloggers, and me. Our guide led us on a tour and told us about the various horrific events that occurred on each of the 5 floors we'd be exploring all night, so that the professionals could plan where to
- [for 23 hours](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/07/09/for-23-hours/) - I'll get up tomorrow at 5am. I'll serve our country until noon. I'll drive 6 hours with this pervert I know from blogging. I'll spend the night in a haunted asylum where over 60,000 people died. A couple other blogging friends will be there. We'll leave the asylum at 4am and crash. I'll change my
- [muskrats in massachusetts! ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/07/05/muskrats-in-massachusetts/) - I just had some damned good pie and coffee in Woods Hole, Massachusetts after a day of biking across Martha's Vineyard. There's something tranquil about pulling two fighting toddlers alongside traffic jams and beaches where Jaws was filmed. It forces going to one's happy place. After that, we took these toddlers to the oldest carousel
- [it is finished](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/07/01/it-is-finished-2/) - It's July 1st: one week after our original closing date. I'm 1100 miles from the house we've been trying to sell for 4 years, and I just learned it is over. Mortgage paid off. New owner. Confirmed via email to the agent with whom I left a limited Power of Attorney. The move last Friday
- [fathers day 2011:  the deer imitator ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/06/18/fathers-day-2011-the-deer-imitator/) - It's 1988, and my father and I are in his two-toned 1983 Suburban headed on I-40 West toward Hickman County, TN. Me: "Why do you like going into the woods to hunt deer so much?" Dad: "For stress relief. To get away from civilization." Stress. Yes, going 60 miles from home, turning down a dirt
- [fewer than 2 weeks til suburbia ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/06/13/fewer-than-2-weeks-til-suburbia/) - Our closing was moved from mid-July to 11 days from today. This was actually something we wanted, given the "what if he watches the news/listens to the radio/talks to a naysayer and thinks, 'Why am I buying NOW when real estate is going to continue its downward slide into the shitter? I'm going to back
- [perspective](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/06/05/perspective/) - We found out Friday we are NOT getting the house we want. So I figured the best reaction would be to have a few beers in the front yard with our soon-to-be-missed neighbors while Pretty Bride cried and readied for the next day's garage sale that was supposed to be the precursor to an anticipated
- [obsessed](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/05/30/obsessed/) - We made an offer on a house Friday afternoon after seeing it that morning at 9am. It was the first home we've looked at in person. We don't even have a buyer's agent yet; we just went inside with a friend who's a realtor the day after the house popped up on the MLS as
- [even more scenes from a sexual harassment deposition](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/05/23/even-more-scenes-from-a-sexual-harassment-deposition/) - I should probably stop publishing excerpts from the same case's depositions, but they are so superior to the usual "I got hurt doing ____ and now the doctor says I have to _____ " cases I typically handle that I really can't stop. And I don't think y'all want me to anyway. So, here are
- [more scenes from a sexual harassment deposition](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/05/16/more-scenes-from-a-sexual-harassment-deposition/) - After my client finished getting deposed, Ray decided to depose my client's colleague, Marta, the Cuban lady who was also harassed at work. Here are a few snippets: Marta: He would tell Tawanna that she was “doodoo brown” and that he liked light skin. Ray: Doodle brown? Marta: No, DOO DOO brown. Ray: Like the
- [scenes from a sexual harassment deposition ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/05/10/from-a-sexual-harassment-case/) - Today, a client was deposed in a sexual harassment case. The defense attorney is named Ray. Ray is a good bit older than I am. Here are some excerpts from the exchanges: Ray: Look – I am neutral here. My job is only to find out the facts about what you say happened – good,
- [a year in the life of an unexpected infant](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/05/08/a-year-in-the-life-of-an-unexpected-infant/) - The news of your unexpected conception produced cries of "What the hell are we going to do now?" During Star Trek a year ago, you created contractions. Despite learning you weren't as far along as we thought, we refused to return home, and your mom and I paced the wooden floors of Emory Hospital all
- [Earth Day and Easter, in perfect harmony](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/04/24/earth-day-and-easter-in-perfect-harmony/) - Two of the few aspects I still like about being unable to sell our home for the past 3+ years are our community and our immediate neighbors. Every year, on Earth Day, instead of telling our Facebook friends to turn off the water while brushing their teeth or some other candy ass suggestion as a
- [what i've learned after two years of solo lawyering (or, it's hard out here for a pimp)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/04/12/a-bit-of-what-ive-learned-after-two-years-of-self-employment-or-its-hard-out-here-for-a-pimp/) - 1) Be more cynical with friends. What happened? A couple of weeks ago, a guy I've known since summer 2000 decided to return (i.e., dump in my lap) 3 cases I referred him over 6 months ago, because they required more time than I had to give them. He did virtually nothing to move them
- [912 days without a golden shower!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/03/21/912-days-without-a-golden-shower/) - This evening, as I was changing young Owen's diaper for the 1200th time or so since his arrival 2.5 years ago, I thought: You know what? I haven't been pissed on once! I am winning! Did y'all know there's actually a product call "Pee-pee Teepees" (trademarked, by the way) to prevent getting a golden shower
- [don't call me "mac the baptist"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/31/dont-call-me-mac-the-baptist/) - We're having a boy in a few months, and I'm a little tired of hearing that I'll be "baptized" soon. Apparently, this means that when I remove Future Baby's diaper, the cool air will encourage him to piss all over me. Thus, the "baptism." What a crap euphemism. It's usually used by young women who
- [does idealism die when it's your kids? ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/03/15/does-idealism-die-when-its-your-kids/) - Two years ago: Me: Hey, the neighbors say they're going to send Max to the school for which we're zoned. Pretty Bride: They won't do it. Me: I think they will. They're vegan and drive hybrids and stuff. They're involved in the local school already, trying to make it better so that by the time
- [steps for winning! at mardi gras](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/03/07/steps-for-winning-at-mardi-gras/) - 1. Cut a hole in a box. Wait. Wrong list. To Win At Mardi Gras 2011, One Must: 1.) Bring the right ammunition. 2.) Power through the sleep deprivation. 3.) Pick the right balcony. 4.) Pay attention to the signs. 5.) Remember the children. 6.) Watch for mythic creatures. 7.) Honor thy Captain. 8.) Go
- [my first boner in space](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/03/my-first-boner-in-space/) - In Fall 1985, my elementary school sent us to Huntsville, Alabama to the U.S. Space & Rocket Center. Here's Chad, the kid who sat next to me on the bus ride from Nashville: He also sat next to me on a high school field trip to Washington, D.C. in Spring 1992: He no longer poses
- [thief](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/02/10/thief/) - This is what greets me every morning when I wake up and shuffle into the kitchen to feel my way toward a bowl of cereal (or, as of late, a couple of eggs): a chair from the dining table, pushed across the floor and around the bar before stopping just inside the pantry. The next
- [lawsuits:  nothing to LOL about](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/01/31/lawsuits-nothing-to-lol-about/) - Until today, I thought "Legally Blonde" was a comedy, not a film designed for inspiration. But a new client came into my office with the above hand-made photo album to be used as evidence in her trial. "BOA" is an acronym she used to identify her employer. "OMG" is an acronym she used to identify
- [increase the peace](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/01/24/increase-the-peace/) - Last weekend, Maddie's preschool had some kind of singing celebration thing that involved their borrowing a church in midtown in the middle of the afternoon and singing songs of peace to honor MLK. The instructions sent home to parents said something like this: Children are encouraged to dress in a manner that honors their ethnic
- [how to make 100 new friends during a week in the tropics ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/01/17/how-to-make-100-new-friends-during-a-week-in-the-tropics/) - First, finagle your way into another military-sponsored trip to a base in Hawaii. Second, take an 8-month-old. Third, pray said 8-month-old refrains from screaming during the 19 hours spent on airplanes. Simple! We left on Sunday, a few hours before the Atlanta Snowpocalypse 2011 (leaving my mother in charge of three children who were out
- [i'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin'.  and i got just the one.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/24/see-im-wise-enough-to-know-when-a-gift-needs-givin-and-i-got-just-the-one/) - Merry Christmas from Father Muskrat!
- [telling it like it is](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/01/04/telling-it-like-it-is/) - This afternoon, I had to go straight from picking up Maddie at preschool to a meeting with a prospective new realtor. Pretty Bride showed up separately, and we sat around a large glass conference table on Herman Miller Aeron chairs while waiting for the realtor and his associate to enter. The dude walked in, saw
- [2010.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2011/01/02/2010/) - 2010. The year I worked harder than I ever have, traveled more than I ever have (usually alone), and stressed more than I ever have. I gained fifteen pounds despite losing my balls. I drank to the point of vomiting more times than in college and high school combined. More than once, I had to
- [the christmas box](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/12/20/the-christmas-box/) - Some Christmas presents are so great that they need to be re-gifted. I may have given this gift a couple of years ago, but I want you, dear Internet, to get it again. And here it is -- The coveted dick in a box. You're welcome.
- [a lesson](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/12/07/a-lesson/) - The last couple of mornings, Owen the 2-year-old has taken to crying and latching onto my leg when I pick up my briefcase and open the door leading to the garage. Today, we had this conversation: Me: I have to go to work...let go! Owen: No, Dad-dy, no! Me: Quit being a pussyboy and cowboy
- [sunday morning breaking down](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/11/21/sunday-morning-breaking-down/) - From left to right: the blond sprouts of Owen's hair against his black car seat, Emilie's staring into the bottom of a bag of gas station pretzels, Maddie's disgust over her confinement to a car seat with no car, and Lola's attempt to shield her pasty legs from the sun via a discarded coloring book.
- [they grow up so fast!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/11/15/they-grow-up-so-fast/) - Instead of in a bassinet in our closet, baby Lola now sleeps in a Pack N Play! In our closet.
- [texas:  where single dads get their wings](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/11/01/texas-where-single-dads-get-their-wings/) - When each of our children was born, as soon as the hospital released the Mrs, I dropped her off at our house and went to work. The only time I provide exclusive childcare is in the evenings while they're sleeping and on Sunday afternoons while she mans her store. Any time Pretty Bride has to
- [wordless wednesdays are for pussies](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/10/26/wordless-wednesdays-are-for-pussies/) - Word. For some of my favorite Halloween costumes from years past, check out this post from 2008 which seems to get a lot of search engine traffic in October for "Bret Michaels costumes" and "offensive costumes." Happy Halloween!
- [muskrats in charleston!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/10/19/muskrats-in-charleston/) - Pretty Bride: Was today your favorite part of this trip? Me: Yes. Well, maybe. I liked the night at Hank's when we sat at the "community table" with the destination wedding party a good bit. Or maybe the hours we spent at Folly Beach, when all the youngsters were running around enjoying the ocean. Or
- [how i ended up in the urban dictionary](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/10/06/how-i-ended-up-in-the-urban-dictionary/) - I met with a client at the hospital; I had a friend's handiwork with me, as her condition was such that she may not live through an upcoming surgery, so I wanted her to have a will. She was wearing a hospital gown that looked like an art smock taken from the local preschool; it
- [you're 2!  or, you were 2.  like, 2 days ago.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/09/24/youre-2-or-you-were-2-like-2-days-ago/) - I have it on good authority that dad blogs are supposed to contain letters to children on their birthdays. So, a few days after the fact, here's a letter to the lone stemmed fruit of my loins: Dear Owen, I remember the day you were born. I was convinced there was no way in Hell
- [things i've written lately that weren't in the blogosphere](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/09/20/things-ive-written-lately-that-werent-in-the-blogosphere/) - To a blogging friend: "Why are so many good folks I know losing their marriages this year? I'm really sorry." To Craigslist: "If you make words plural by using an apostrophe, please do not apply for this position." To a colleague: "I used to spend 10 hours on a paper to get an 'A' instead
- [the modern media muskrat summit ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/09/15/the-modern-media-muskrat-summit/) - A bunch of dude bloggers came into town last weekend with a stated goal of discussing the daddysphere or some such, but everyone knows they came to Atlanta to observe how awesome I am in my natural habitat. Not wanting to hurt one of the more fragile members of the blogosphere's feelings, I figured I
- [my job is harder than your job](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/09/07/my-job-is-harder-than-your-job/) - Here are some snippets from actual emails I've sent to opposing attorneys in the past week: All my client wants to do is see the doctor to whom your client agreed to send him, but your client won't let him. Is this really worth going to court over? It's been 30 days now since you
- [rodents!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/09/02/rodents/) - For the past several days, every time one of us opens the door leading to the basement, a little brown mouse scurries down from the top step, cuts right into the bathroom, and then disappears under the door into the garage. I usually chase him with whatever's in my hand (trying to trap him with
- [the muskrat takes manhattan](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/08/11/muskrat-takes-manhattan/) - I think I love New York more for what it represents than what it is. It's where I went for spring break in law school. It's where I landed within hours of taking the bar exam. It's where I went AWOL while deployed to Andrews AFB, MD to get away from a jackass supervisor. So
- [fuck you, prospective home buyers](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/08/26/fuck-you-prospective-home-buyers/) - Actual emails from the past 10 minutes (I didn't bother correcting typos and errors): Me: We had a couple showings the past couple weekends. Any feedback? My Realtor: Hi, I spoke to Debbie already and she let me know your place was too small for her clients. They make independent films and needed a bigger
- [shoot](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/08/22/shoot/) - Maddie: Why did you say "shit," Daddy? Me: I didn't...I said "shoot." Maddie: Shit! Me: Shoot! It was shoot! We don't say the other word. Maddie: Then why did you say shoot? Me: Because I parked in the wrong place...somewhere I wasn't supposed to park. Maddie: Daddy can't park! Me: Yeah, I'm a shitty parker.
- [muskrattle and a bonzai run to portland](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/08/15/muskrattle-and-a-bonzai-run-to-portland/) - Only the elite, high speed, squared away freedom fighters get to choose locations like Honolulu and Seattle for their Reserves/Guard active duty days. And since I finagled my way into just such an arrangement, someone in Washington must think me an elite, high speed, squared away freedom fighter. I can't argue. After flying from NYC
- [sandestin, you've been living hell to me](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/08/02/sandestin-youve-been-living-hell-to-me/) - A tax-deductible family vacation seemed like a wonderful idea several months ago when I paid for a conference in Florida scheduled for late July/early August. But every time I'd been to the panhandle, it was March (college spring break) or May (high school senior trip or weddings). And I'd never stayed at a place with
- [by air and by sea, to see a newly minted 4-year-old](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/07/18/by-air-and-by-sea-to-see-a-newly-minted-4-year-old/) - Wednesday afternoon, I rode in a Cessna Skyhawk from Honolulu, over Molokai, and onto Maui. After we landed, I learned my new friend had never landed at Maui before, because his instructor told him it was the most difficult runway in the U.S. to land a private plane, since the winds come off the ocean
- [real estate fail](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/07/05/real-estate-fail/) - This is where our 2-month-old sleeps. Because we can't sell our house. I'm thinking this will turn out well for her in later years, however. Besides the obvious character building she'll get from staying in a closet for the first several months years of her life, I can see the following scenarios down the road,
- [a farewell to balls](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/06/28/a-farewell-to-balls/) - I could write about the utter terror someone who passes out when given shots or blood tests faces when going for surgery on his nethers, but it's easier to just provide my impressions from that timeframe as they were happening. Accordingly, here are my tweets, in reverse chronological order: Fireworks behind our house tonight. Either
- [66 ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/06/23/66/) - This is my parents in October 1972. My Dad had been married fewer than two years. He'd spent a year in Vietnam, gotten the Distinguished Flying Cross, and made it home unscathed. He had a Corvette and raced motorcycles. He was cool. Til I was born 3 years later and fucked it all up. Happy
- [the importance of staying small](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/06/20/the-importance-of-staying-small/) - Maddie: Why do you want me to stay a little girl, Daddy? Me: What? What makes you think that? Maddie: Mommy told me. Me: Oh. Well then it must be true, right? Maddie: Mmm hmm. But I can't stay a little girl, because I'm already a BIG GIRL! Me: Well, you are bigger now than
- [changing brackets](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/06/06/changing-brackets/) - I haven't been particularly excited about leaving marketers' "most coveted age bracket" (although this guy thinks the boomers are changing that). I like knowing companies spend millions of dollars trying to figure out how to please me and how to catch my attention. It's like dating a Rockefeller. But not any more. Tomorrow I hit
- [help me, andrew clark. you're my only hope.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/06/02/help-me-andrew-clark-youre-my-only-hope/) - We've been trying to eat healthier the past couple of months. Joined a local organic farm CSA and everything. However, when the neighbors came over with brats and chorizo for the grill to join our free range chicken on Memorial Day, I agreed. And when the Mrs. cooked a dozen chocolate chip cookies, I found
- [clearly maddie belongs in front of the camera](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/05/16/clearly-maddie-belongs-in-front-of-the-camera/) - clip # 1: 3-year-old is in front of the camera. Poised. Not phased by her brother's bellowing or her nose's itching. She knows the words, even we don't. clip # 2: while I'm in the bathroom, the 3-year-old has taken my phone and begun filming. She refers to her brother as a "beast" and then
- [i've never been happier to be wrong](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/05/10/ive-never-been-happier-to-be-wrong/) - The unexpected baby I announced in November before telling any friends or family came Saturday. The one whose gender I publicly lamented. The one for whom I lay awake every night last week wondering if she'd come or not and worrying if she'd interrupt my life too much. Then, when the contractions got 5 minutes
- [coming to a muskrat windshield near you:  "'tard on board!"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/05/03/coming-to-a-muskrat-windshield-near-you-tard-on-board/) - After dinner with Avitable last night, a dinner than included our agreement that the "Clearly You're Retarded" radio show should be resurrected--and soon--I decided to make a case for my being the first guest. I said farewell to my friends Coal Miner's Granddaughter, Copasetic Beth, Houston's Problem, and Darned to Heck Grant before dropping Pretty
- [hope in the dark](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/04/30/hope-in-the-dark/) - April 19 was my little brother's birthday. I haven't talked to him in a couple months, but I tried to reach him every day during the week preceding his birthday to see if he wanted to watch the A-day game together or go out to dinner. He lives about an hour north of the city
- [music and the art of behavior manipulation](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/04/13/music-and-the-art-of-behavior-manipulation/) - The last time I had tickets to a David Gray concert, the som'bitch got sick and canceled after Pretty Girlfriend flew down from her PhD program in Pennsylvania, and, having run out of ideas for entertainment with no concert to attend, we decided to get married and start repopulating the great state of Georgia. We
- [12 months later](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/04/08/12-months-later/) - I'll bet you don't know know where you were December 19, 2008 at 2am. I was at the Pink Pony. Arguing with a plaintiff's attorney about the case we had against each other that was scheduled for a hearing in 2 days. Me: If I'm going to come up to forty-five, I'm going to need
- [pride (in the name of adoration)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/04/05/pride-in-the-name-of-adoration/) - Like many Friday mornings, I woke up with fewer than 4 hours sleep from my weekly "networking" event with some of Atlanta's finest litigators who like to go out for drinks with me. Me at 0630: I don't think I can safely take Emilie to school. Pretty Bride: Well, I can take her on my
- [garbage in, garbage out](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/03/30/garbage-in-garbage-out/) - A few months ago, I forwarded an email to Pretty Bride saying she should add Food, Inc. to her Netflix que, because that Dave guy from Blogography recommended it, and it sounded like the "type of shit you'd like to watch." Why the snide assumption? Because before the three pregnancies that almost immediately followed our
- [desperately seeking schlong](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/12/21/desperately-seeking-schlong/) - On Friday, I saw my little 1-year-old take his first steps. I. Not We. Which was nice, because I was 8 timezones away when my little girl took hers. He's gone back to scooting now, though. It fits his personality more to scoot along the ground on one hand and his ass while looking up
- [muskrat films presents a short:  my 3-year-old and her cellphone](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/03/21/muskrat-films-presents-a-short-my-3-year-old-and-her-cellphone/) - My neighbor just emailed this to me from his iphone. I added captions. I'm concerned.
- [the unartistic conception (and, a fisher price sex toy!)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/03/10/the-unartistic-conception-and-a-fisher-price-sex-toy/) - Just look at this shit someone attached to our refrigerator. Apparently, I like to wear purple and blue britches on top of each other, like Punky Brewster or a homeless person, and I hop around all day on my giant johnson. Oh, and I'm pregnant. My bride has pink hair, is also pregnant, and appears
- [step away from the easel](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/03/01/step-away-from-the-easel/) - My in-laws gave our 3-year-old daughter an art easel for Christmas. Most every day that the temperature is above 20 degrees, she wants to go onto the patio under our deck--the area she refers to as "my yard" (since it had grass up until a few months ago)-- to paint. That, or she wants to
- [happy 60-something](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/02/24/happy-60-something/) - Today's my mom's birthday. She was born in '46, so she's pretty old I suppose. Her present was driving my dad back from a hospital in Chattanooga to their home in northern Alabama following some kind of robotic surgery. I guess that's better than having a birthday on the 23rd when he was in surgery,
- [where the street has one name:  bourbon ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/02/15/where-the-street-has-one-name-bourbon/) - I had other people with me in this picture, but they're both attorneys, and I'm not sure they want to be associated with this post or this blog, so I cut them out. Besides, is there any reason this picture--which is clearly the new definition of the word "perfect"--needs any complementing? No. And if you're
- [10 months](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/02/09/10-months/) - It's been 10 months. 3 months after my 7 months status post. I didn't write down any goals when I started like all the motivational books say to do, but I had a few in my head: 1) Bring in about the same amount of income in year 1 as I brought in the year
- [up yours, hackers](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/01/28/up-yours-hackers/) - One of my twitter friends mentioned a few days ago that Rob Kroese's "humor blogs" site was down and then wrote a blog post about it. I visited myself and saw this (go ahead and check the link). My heart sank. I thought about how when I first started my blog and had a ".wordpress"
- [my spoiler-free review of costa rica (i.e., part 2)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/01/23/my-spoiler-free-review-of-costa-rica-i-e-part-2/) - On Day 3, I ditched the rental's keys and boarded a tourbus for Arenal Volcano National Park. Five minutes into the trip, my bride asked if I was enjoying this traveling better that the previous two days' journeys. Me: Infinitely. See? We befriended folks from such foreign lands as Puerto Rico, Poland, France, Denver, and
- [my spoiler-filled review of costa rica (part 1)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/01/20/my-spoiler-filled-review-of-costa-rica-part-1/) - A few weeks ago, when I decided we needed a "babymoon" and to use some of my USAA points before they dropped in buying power on April 1, a few friends and a neighbor suggested Costa Rica as a warm and relatively inexpensive January destination. But, they advised me that I should not drive. Me:
- [shaking hands with the general](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/01/10/shaking-hands-with-the-general/) - There's nothing quite like the hysteria a military unit will feel (during peacetime, anyway) shortly before a general officer is slated to visit. There's mopping of floors, straightening of furniture, and polishing of boots going on throughout the building instead of any of the work that's supposed to be observed and commended. I've always thought
- [fuck you, cancer](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/01/07/fuck-you-cancer/) - I gave a speech for a public speaking class in undergrad about how it was cool to wear red ribbons and talk about supporting money for an incurable but preventable disease, while another disease killed more people and was much less preventable. I spoke of a Homecoming Queen from my hometown and delivered an argument
- [2009:  a muskrat odyssey](http://fathermuskrat.com/2010/01/02/2009-a-muskrat-odyssey/) - Last year at this time, I picked a favorite post from each month and gave myself props. This year, I'll just summarize some highlights, since my blogging was sporadic anyway, and some months had multiple incidences of greatness, while other months had none (like that piggy with the roast beef). In January, I modeled my
- [why can't you just keep your penis pump out of my christmas deposition?  hell.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/12/28/why-cant-you-just-keep-your-penis-pump-out-of-my-christmas-deposition-hell/) - One of my clients lives in rural Alabama, not too far from my parents, so I had the opposing attorney schedule his deposition on the 23rd, so that I could write off the miles I would have driven anyway for Christmas, because I love baby Jesus and hate paying taxes, despite receiving a little bit
- [things of which i am not a fan:  god's use of irony](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/11/23/things-of-which-i-am-not-a-fan-gods-use-of-irony/) - Pretty Bride: "Can we take a walk?" Me: "Umm...I was going to go for a run. I feel like walking is sort of a waste of time for non-obese people who want to raise their heart rates to 85% max." PB: "I just thought we should talk some and..." Me: "We can talk while I
- [pay attention to the man behind the curtain](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/11/16/pay-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain/) - I've felt a twinge of guilt since this post about quitting my job on Feb 11, because I said I'd blog about my journey, and I haven't. In fact, I've hardly blogged about anything since then. I just reread that post and the numerous supportive comments that followed. I thought about those nights of sleepless
- [clearly, the french want our children to live like mississippians ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/10/25/clearly-the-french-want-our-children-to-live-like-mississippians/) - I think we got this at a garage sale or off craigslist. Seems harmless enough. A little inflatable blue horse that kids can sit on or something. But upon closer inspection, one will see that it was designed to encourage horsey tossed salads. And for that, oh blue horse with the "made in france" etching
- [restricting the g's on my man junk](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/08/16/on-restricting-the-gs-on-my-man-junk/) - On the way home from church today, this came from the back seat: Maddie: Daddy, I want pancakes. Me: Okay, we'll have pancakes. Maddie: And, then, let's go to outer space for lunch! Me: That sounds wonderful. Do you have a helmet? Maddie: I do. And, a space suit. Me: What's your space suit for?
- [my three-year-old can't spin a yarn for shit](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/08/19/my-three-year-old-cant-spin-a-yarn-for-shit/) - Tonight after bath time, I suggested that I make up a story instead of relying on the same old shit about large red dogs, princesses, queens who don't march in Pride, or brown bears with white girl intruders. Maddie agreed. I told a story about our dog Winnie and her secret identity as a caped
- [for mrs uncool and thing 1](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/10/02/for-mrs-uncool-and-thing-1/) - My friend Kevin from Always Home and Uncool asked a bunch of us who like to pretend we're in that not-so-exclusive club called "bloggers" to allow him to write a guest post in a bunch of different locations for his wife's birthday, which also happens to be the day on which they learned their girl
- [a most inappropriate line of questioning](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/10/11/a-most-inappropriate-line-of-questioning/) - Last weekend, I was at my National Guard base and learned the following from a Captain who has been my drinking buddy traveling companion a few times this year: Captain Lauren: You know Major Yancy? Me: Yeah. Sort of. Captain Lauren: She just pulled me aside and asked me if I am having sex with
- [how maddie got her moxie back*](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/10/05/how-maddie-got-her-moxie-back/) - I may have mentioned a conference I attended a while ago called BlogHer and how I stopped drinking for 2 minutes to hit the head at one point and then returned to find that the doll a mom blogger with sons had given me was stolen out from under my BowlHer pictures and name tag.
- [the maine event](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/09/29/the-maine-event/) - Last week, I lost two sofas, a receiver, and a subwoofer from my mancave totaling $5800. Pretty Bride lost over 1000 sewing patterns, a bunch of fabric, and a lot of other stuff that I didn't know lived in our basement. I spent a couple days ripping out walls and pulling up floors while vacillating
- [raise your hand if you're damned](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/10/raise-your-hand-if-youre-damned/) - Recently at an event at our church, the band played a song in which "lift up your heads" was part of the lyrics. I thought, "no problem--the screen on which the words are shown is above my head. I have to lift my head to read the words. I am good at Christian 'Simon Says'
- [on anniversaries](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/11/on-anniversaries/) - Media outlets will discuss an anniversary tomorrow, but I'd like to write about an anniversary today. One year ago today, I was trudging through a concourse at 6am with Pretty Bride and Toddler, so that I could board a plane for Norfolk, VA where a plane would take me to Al-Udeid, Qatar, where a plane
- [is it just me, or is this guy an asshole?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/09/07/is-it-just-me-or-is-this-guy-an-asshole/) - Just like last year at this time, I took Maddie downtown to watch the Dragon*Con parade Saturday morning. And, as my Twitter followers know, somebody severely pissed me off, so I'm going to ask you, dear reader, if I'm overreacting or in the wrong here. After driving around downtown for 30 minutes, I found a
- [conveniently omitted from the "what to expect" books:  the daughter who sings to her vagina.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/09/01/conveniently-omitted-from-the-what-to-expect-books-the-daughter-who-sings-to-her-vagina/) - Maddie calls her private parts her "bottom." I'm not sure how this practice began. I certainly don't talk to her about her female parts--that's her mommy's job. Like disciplining her, cooking for her, clothing her, and telling her "no." Tonight when I got home from work and walked upstairs to take over at bath time,
- ["summer clearance" is supposed to mean a bargain, not my daughter's stage name](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/08/24/summer-clearance-is-supposed-to-mean-a-bargain-not-my-daughters-stage-name/) - I'm worried my little girl wants to be stripper. Every day, I crawl across 9 miles of middle fingers and ineptitude (usually 45-60 minutes), pull into the garage, carry my laptop and "homework" upstairs, open the door, and walk in to find bare girl parts. Sometimes, they're complemented with the feather boa I got at
- [son, your government's writing checks the muskrat just cashed](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/08/13/son-your-governments-writing-checks-the-muskrat-just-cashed/) - In a surprising move indicative of fiscal irresponsibility last week, the National Guard sent me to Las Vegas for a conference. I'd never been to Vegas before, but I met a couple bloggers at BlogHer who expressed a willingness to show me around, so I took them up on it. I met Nancy from Fear
- [my 10-month-old totally loves the indo.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/08/11/my-10-month-old-totally-loves-the-indo/) - Owen isn't like the rest of us. He's chill. Cool, even. Hangs out with his thumb in his mouth and watches the rest of us worry about whether floors are clean, homework is done, mail is opened, bills are paid, dogs are fed, and the thermostat is set at an adequately uncomfortable level. I used
- [a glimpse into the life of a dark, slapshotting deity](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/08/06/a-glimpse-into-the-life-of-a-dark-slapshotting-deity/) - "Fuck yeah!" was the reply to my "I think the military is sending me to your neck of the woods in a few weeks. Want to meet up for some sushi or something?" email. "A few weeks" ended last night. I followed Trudie's (my Garmin) instructions across town. I laughed out loud at the sign
- [animals are not your friend](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/08/05/animals-are-not-your-friend/) - On Saturday, I spent an entire day in a tent with a black Master Sergent named Jon. At our first conversational lull, Jon belted out this chunk of wisdom: MSgt Jon: You know, black people are smarter than white people when it comes to animals. Me: How's that? MSgt Jon: Animals are not your friend,
- [lost:  the endangered parisian pink muskrat](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/19/lost-the-endangered-parisian-pink-muskrat/) - Today I drove nearly 8 hours while venturing deep into God's country for a deposition with a workers' comp attorney, taking the time to thank God for my traveling companions: XM radio and GPS. The former kept me from intentionally driving into the median to cure my boredom (and satisfy the curiosity Aerosmith's "Living on the Edge"
- [politically correct birthday parties are for pussies](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/07/20/political-correct-birthday-parties-are-for-pussies/) - Maddie the Toddler turned 3 last weekend, so we decided to throw a "Three-esta" and invite all our neighbors with children (and a few without) for fun with quesadillas, a pinata, Fanta, and tequila. I even told everyone they could park in the front yard and wear wife-beater tank tops. Then I got really excited
- [a brief performance](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/07/28/a-brief-performance/) - Thanks to Kathy at The Junk Drawer for telling me about this and to Heather from Confessions of a Coal Miner's Granddaughter for recording it! More to follow when I have time....
- [wordless wednesday (brought to you by church punk mom)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/06/30/wordless-wednesday-brought-to-you-by-church-punk-mom/) - Check this shit out. Church Punk Mom said she'd send some cookies on Twitter. I figured she said that shit to everybody. I asked Pretty Bride a couple times if I'd received any mail from Iowa. The answer was always "no." Then, a few days later, I got mail from Iowa. It was these: Isn't
- [on father's day](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/06/22/on-fathers-day/) - Apparently, if you have a blog and sometimes metion your having little creatures in your house that resulted from a druken few minutes in your closet during a party at your house, then you're supposed to write a post about fatherhood on Father's Day. At least, that's what the good daddy bloggers do. After commenting
- [MTV references and panning for gold](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/06/15/mtv-references-and-panning-for-gold/) - Over Memorial Day weekend, we drove to Great Smoky Mountains National Park for some hiking and bonding. On the way, we saw this place somewhere in North Carolina: I decided this a great place to pull over, so, without warning anyone else in the car (to include 3 sleeping children, a dog, and an oblivious
- [miller time, or, how NOT to kill time before a flight](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/18/miller-time-or-how-not-to-kill-time-before-a-flight/) - (above picture is a picture of a picture for which I wouldn't spend $20 to purchase, because I am the cheapest of persons who know who their fathers are) I awoke this morning, ate, and decided to check out the U. of Wisconsin arboretum, because, like Ric Flair, I dig on nature. Spent time hiking
- [go to hell david simon (aka, more travels in the dairy state)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/17/go-to-hell-david-simon-aka-more-travels-in-the-dairy-state/) - I have to confess a prejudice: for the last 20 years, I've been harboring a resentment for Wisconsin, because of a kid named David Simon; he was the guy Julie Scott broke up with me to "go with" a few weeks after the conclusion of the 6th grade. David frequently wore University of Wisconsin sweatshirts
- [traveling through the dairy state](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/15/travelling-through-the-dairy-state/) - For some reason, a group of educated and fairly sophisticated individuals have decided they want to listen to me for several hours tomorrow, so I've flown up to Milwaukee, WI and then drove 3hrs north to what appears to be Nowhere, Dairyville. I could've flown into a location closer to my final destination, but because
- [as of 8pm on january 24, i'm hung like a ken doll](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/25/as-of-8pm-on-january-24-im-hung-like-a-ken-doll/) - Last night, I signed the biggest check I've ever written... in exchange for handing over my balls. The recipient was so touched that he decided to give us a minivan in return! I'd like to think that having a DVD player that will exclusively show "Top Gun," "Gladiator," "Braveheart," and "Dances With Wolves" will help
- [my snuggie](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/08/my-snuggie/) - Guess what my father-in-law and his wife got us for Christmas? That's right. A Snuggie! Perhaps you've seen the commercials during college football games and have considered getting one. Go ahead and take a few seconds to click on the link and watch the commercial. It's quite enticing. And the men look so...manly in their
- [were i a dinosaur, i'd be mega-sore-ass](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/30/were-i-a-dinosaur-id-be-mega-sore-ass/) - I'm pretty sure I might have hemorrhoids. I've been pretty sure for years, but there's only irritation when I've been traveling and mess up my eating/sleeping/bathroom routines, like visiting multiple houses for Christmas can do. But I'm worried about it today, because I'm back at work, where the paper is one step above corncobs in
- [who wants to rent from an infidel? ](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/02/who-wants-to-rent-from-an-infidel/) - Last night, I had an appointment to show my rental property to a 20-something medical student named Suleman. We'd spoken on the phone, and I guess I thought he was Indian perhaps. When he got out of the car, however, he looked like the grown version of the male rapist from The Kite Runner (which
- [how to convey your hesitance to serve on a jury](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/05/10/how-to-convey-your-hesitance-to-serve-on-a-jury/) - This is an actual request to be dropped from a jury pool. It's even been notarized. What I want to know is....how many wrinkles does this guy's dog's balls have? And, did it work? Was he released from jury duty or not?
- [a year ago today](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/05/02/a-year-ago-today/) - I started a blog with what I'd thought was a normal conversation at breakfast until I found out from others that it was not normal, so I decided to write it down. Happy Blogiversary, Muskrat.
- [a meme, an award, and a giant johnson](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/29/a-meme-an-award-and-a-giant-johnson/) - That damned South Carolinian, Bennie, sent this meme requiring an immediate self-aimed picture, but I ain't playing. I'm supposed to pass it to 10 folks, but in looking over the acrimonious response he got from the female bloggers he tagged, I'd rather not. So, I'll make it voluntary. If you're a cool kid who sat
- [state of the muskrat address*](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/04/21/state-of-the-muskrat-address/) - One of my blogging friends recently wrote about his one year bloggiversary, and I thought, "Hey, I'll bet my bloggiversary is coming up, too, but it's been SO DAMNED LONG since I've read my blog or anyone else's that I honestly don't know. Was it May or June?" and then I thought I'd break character
- [interviewed by avitable](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/15/interviewed-by-avitable/) - A short time ago, I volunteered to allow the foul, but frequently brilliant, Avitable to interview me. Here are the results: 1. Please explain the rule against perpetuities using sexual terminology. First of all, the RAP is, arguably, the most difficult concept one must grasp to pass the Multistate Bar Exam. The California Supreme Court
- [interviewed by twippley skwood](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/04/09/interviewed-by-twippley-skwood/) - A nice lady from Texas decided to interview me as part of A Free Man's "interview project." Here it is - 1) I always wonder every time I read any new blog if this is a person who's spent more time than me on the planet, or less? So to start, how old are you?
- [it is finished](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/04/03/it-is-finished/) - So, today was my last day of secure employment. I had a BBQ buffet lunch at the Marriott sponsored by our head partner, went over the cases I'm handing over to others, and packed. Then I loaded the wife's minivan full of my shit and headed to an empty office in a building in Buckhead
- [death of a blogger.  why couldn't it be a salesman instead?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/03/26/death-of-a-blogger-why-couldnt-it-be-a-salesman/) - Part of being in denial about my getting older has always been an inability to accept that people I know, especially people who seem to be about my age, will die. I just found out that one of the funniest bloggers I've enjoyed reading over the course of the past year--The Nemesing One--has been killed
- [revenge without a baseball diamond](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/03/10/revenge-without-a-baseball-diamond/) - When I get good and angry at someone whom I know well enough to have access to his house, I like to give him an "upper decker." No, that doesn't mean I take said bastard to Turner Field with a fistful of $5 tickets that damage nasal linings. It means I take a shit in
- [somebody puts baby in the corner](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/03/03/somebody-puts-baby-in-the-corner/) - I forgot I had this picture lying around. It's over a year old, but I thought of it after reading Metro Dad's plan for creating charitable onesies and shirts.
- [my new ad campaign](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/03/01/my-new-ad-campaign/) - This arrived in an email from Sci-Fi Dad. I think I'm going to put him in charge of all my new firm's advertising.
- [putting the "poo" in "pool"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/26/putting-the-poo-in-pool/) - On our family vacation of 1989, as you already know, I crapped in a hotel sauna and then watched some hapless man go inside for just long enough to run out and, presumably, vomit. Well, that wasn't the only misplaced turd I left somewhere across the American West during August 1989. At a motel near
- [my 25](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/07/my-25/) - 1- Filling out my bar fitness applications was a giant pain in the backside, as applicants are supposed to disclose all speeding tickets, arrests, times incarcerated, etc. At the time, I'd had over 10 tickets and 4 arrests that I had to describe in detail. 2- I "conveniently forgot" to disclose said infractions when applying
- [friday confessional for february 20:  i totally pissed in your kool-aid](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/19/friday-confessional-for-22009-i-totally-pissed-in-your-kool-aid/) - Back in Fall 1993, when I was a mistreated young pledge at a social fraternity in Alabama, I got an idea. It came to me one day as ten of my goat brothers were putting out silverware on little white folded napkins next to beige plates on long wooden tables covered in white paper as
- [standing on a suspended bridge, holding a sword above the rope that keeps us suspended](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/11/standing-on-a-suspended-bridge-holding-a-sword-above-the-rope-that-keeps-us-suspended/) - Tomorrow morning, I'm telling the head of our firm that I'm leaving. I skipped work yesterday to meet with two bankers, a corporate attorney (since I don't remember the difference in an LLC and a PC), and a graphic design/web designer. Oh yeah, and I had an optometry appointment (while I still have good health
- [a reacquaintance with southern culture](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/15/a-reacquaintance-with-southern-culture/) - I grew up with a kid named Glenn who, a little over a year ago, was transferred from Atlanta to Baltimore. Being a good Southern boy, Glenn has pretty much hated living in Baltimore, as it's cold, and he lives near a bunch of heroin addicts, despite a > $10,000/yr property tax bill. Luckily, he's
- [overheard](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/13/overheard/) - From the bathroom: Yeah! Mommy went potty! I so proud of you. From the den: Not now, Mommy! I busy! I working! From the bathtub: I not a baby! I a lil' girl. And tough! From the toddler bed: Daddy, Did you see what your daughter did?
- [to the illiterate barristers, eatadick.  to the muskrat, chin up!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/17/to-the-illiterate-barristers-eatadick-to-the-muskrat-chin-up/) - Apparently, some brilliant shyster filed a civil rights petition in federal court with such inconsequential words as "plaintiff" and "United States" misspelled. The Philadelphia judge, who was described as being "irate," cut the legal fees by over $150,000. You might call this story "pathetic" or "disappointing," but I call it "inspiring." If this fool can
- [rome if you want to](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/08/rome-if-you-want-to/) - So, I spent all last week getting ready for trial on Friday and doing other non-blog-related things. When Friday morning came, I struck out on I-75 North towards Rome. I took my mapquest directions, my Garmin, and left in time to meet with my client at 9 before the 9:30 start time. At 9:20 am,
- [is it just me, or is this lawyer a total dick?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/02/02/is-it-just-me-or-is-this-lawyer-a-total-dick/) - A female security guard was raped and is suing the location in which the incident occurred. Naturally, I'm defending the company that insures the business she's suing. Today, I talked to her attorney about scheduling a deposition in Knoxville (incidentally, if I have any Knoxville readers who want to get together for a beer immediately
- [friday confessional for january 30:  fornicating with an ex's wife](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/29/friday-confessional-for-january-30-fornicating-with-an-exs-wife/) - Father Muskrat: Oh my. I've seen posters hanging at the post office depicting more innocent-looking people than you appear today. What's up? Countessa: Well...see...it's been a few years, but I sorta committed adultery, I think. FM: What? Like being "sorta " gay? Or "sorta" pregnant? Or "sorta" Republican? Countessa: Funny you should suggest such: I
- [friday confessional for january 16:  snuggie lust](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/15/friday-confessional-for-january-16/) - Father Muskrat: What do you want? I thought I was done listening to your shit sins. Siren: Sorry, but I'm back. And it's your fault. FM: How's that, my sweet hooker child? Siren: I knew I was going to get in trouble coming in here on "Casual Friday" [eyes your snuggie]. FM: Oh no. Avert
- [okay, not all helmets are worn exclusively by pussyboys](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/27/okay-not-all-helmets-are-worn-exclusively-by-pussyboys/) - Okay, remember that time I wrote about my disdain for parents who strap a chunk of plastic to their kids' heads in the hopes that what little goodness is sloshing about between their ears will actually morph into something that gets them somewhere? Like graduate school? Or space? Or some organizational boardroom worthy of a
- [through a toddler's lens](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/20/through-a-toddlers-lens/) - Last weekend, Maddie rooted through our closet and found my camera. She then began running about the house taking pictures. The first one appears to be Pretty Bride's backside, Maddie's finger, and a portion of our kitchen. Maddie calls it "Precursor to a Meal." It's available for $20. Here's where Maddie really tries to push
- [the first friday confessional:  i shot the neighbor](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/28/the-first-friday-confessional/) - That's right. You didn't think I put this little rodent in a robe just for aesthetics, did you? Of course not. There's a reason this blog moved to "Father Muskrat," and it's not just so I can get more validity as a Daddy Blogger. So, from this point forward, if you have something you need
- [not all dogs go to heaven.  this is the first of a few that are in hell.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/12/not-all-dogs-go-to-heaven-this-is-the-first-of-a-few-that-are-in-hell/) - Maggie was the curly-haired terrier that lived across the street from us with her soon-to-be-divorced cardiologist and housewife parents. She was orange and brown and weighed about as mush as I did in 1983 when I met her one spring afternoon as she came bounding across her parents' front yard, across the street, and at
- [helmets are for pussyboys](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/11/helmets-are-for-pussyboys/) - A few days ago, Pretty Bride and I were visiting another couple with a young boy about Maddie's age. The boy came out of his room to greet us when we walked in the front door, and he was wearing a little white plastic helmet that was tightly cinched to his head. Me: "Cool! Did
- [intruder alert](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/19/intruder/) - Every morning, I walk into my office, update the voicemail, glance over the emails, get a cup of coffee, read the news, and go to the restroom. Pretty much like clockwork. For some reason, the cleaning lady hasn't figured out that every morning about 9:30 when she knocks on the door and announces "anyone?" that
- [the nigerian strikes back](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/23/the-nigerian-strikes-back/) - I got this exact email 12 times today from 12 different email addresses: hi, i want to come and see this property, when can you show it ot me? can you call me and let me know? So, I responded to each email: Dear Mike the Nigerian: Thanks for your tremendous interest in my rental
- [an endorsement:  public urination to show discontent](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/06/an-endorsement-public-urination-to-show-discontent/) - Since Congress apparently only listens to us for one big vote and then swaps pork favors for votes a few days later to give the American public its middle finger, I'm advocating a return to the era of civil disobedience. If our coin is going to be commandeered every couple weeks and then pissed away
- [my mancave brings all the boys from the yard](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/19/my-mancave-brings-all-the-boys-from-the-yard/) - I just totally got called out by a hot Mommy Blogger who asked if I have a mancave and whether, inside said mancave, there lies any relic from my single days that my wife dislikes. Only a pussyboy who sits to pee during the middle of the night in response to his overactive, frightened bladder
- [wordless wednesday:  major maddie's war face](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/06/wordless-wednesday-major-maddies-war-face/) - If that isn't frightening, I don't know what is: officers are getting promoted too quickly, and PTSD is rampant.
- [how my 17' 8'' buick lesabre became "the digger"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/12/how-my-17-8-buick-lesabre-became-the-digger-7/) - I'd only been 16 a couple of months when I loaded up my trunk with water balloons and my back seat with fellow high school juniors to go attack the freshmen's homecoming float worksite. We sped along Johnny Cash Parkway towards Gallatin, when a voice from the back told me I'd just missed my turn.
- [a celebration of 2008--the year of the muskrat](http://fathermuskrat.com/2009/01/01/a-celebration-of-2008-the-year-of-the-muskrat/) - I found a post from Immoral Matriarch that inspired me to, like she did, list some of my favorite Muskrat moments from last year: May: Muskrat is invited to speak at a local elementary school and posts the questions the children ask in Answers to the Children's Questions. He is unlikely to be asked to
- [email exchange with Mike Jones](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/16/email-exchange-with-mike-jones/) - My current tenants' lease is about to end, so the property is advertised as being available shortly. Below is an email exchange with a possible customer. I just hit "send" on my reply to him. I'll post whatever he writes back later. Here is his first email: With regards to the property I am inquiring about, I
- [secret santa](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/17/secret-santa/) - My "secret Santa" draw is Kirsten at momjeansblogger.blogspot.com. Because she clearly needs new, non-mommy jeans, my first gift to her is a pair of Bad Idea Jeans. Saturday Night Live - Bad Idea Jeans Because she likes the USC Trojans, my next gift to her is a set of whistle tips for her fly ride, so
- [the fourth friday confessional:  secret rendezvous at the drag show](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/18/the-fourth-friday-confessional-secret-rendezvous-at-the-drag-show/) - Father Muskrat (taking a pull from a hidden flask and muttering to himself): Who's there? Brenda: It is I, Father. And it stinks in here, by the way. FM: Well, it is the season for merry-making, and this pious old barrister has been included on a lot of guest lists this week, so ignore the
- [in the restroom at a bbq joint in northern georgia](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/22/in-the-restroom-at-a-bbq-joint-in-northern-georgia/) - I spent today in Chattanooga meeting with a trucking company that has been sued a lot lately. Afterwards, I drove down towards Atlanta, pulled into a gravel parking lot just off of I-75 South, and walked inside to find about 5 tables and a grey-haired lady behind a cash register. I went straight to the
- [at the austrian urinal](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/13/at-the-austrian-urinal/) - During the summer of 2000, I took an international arbitration course in Linz, Austria. As I've revealed before, I can have an occasional problem with stage fright at the pisser, though it tends to be less of an issue when I'm around strangers and am drinking, so one would think the affliction would go into
- [the third friday confessional:  arousing santa and oral shoplifting](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/11/the-third-friday-confessional-arousing-santa-and-oral-shoplifting/) - Holy shit cow! There's a line of hot female bloggers outside my confession booth this week! Hmm, I'll let this young lass in the elf costume come in first. FM: Hello, Miss... Siren: I have a confession...* FM: Go ahead, girl, go ahead. Siren: There is this good looking Santa at the mall, so I
- [at the urinal, circa 2001](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/10/at-the-urinal-circa-2001/) - I'm approaching the urinal in the deserted restroom when Doug, the litigation associate from the 45th floor, enters. Crap. I'm the new law clerk, and everyone with the coveted ", Esq." behind his name intimidates me. Doug walks up to the urinal beside me. I unzip. I exhale slowly. I wait. Nothing. I close my
- [seven whores a-whoring](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/08/seven-whores-a-whoring/) - I got tagged by Paper Cages to list seven random things. Seven random facts. But unless you've been wearing sunglasses and doing heroin the last few days, you know I don't follow rules associated with memes I receive. I'll instead list seven random whores and their aggressive approaches. 1) Random Girl Who Showed Up At
- [the second friday confessional:  she kissed a girl](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/05/the-second-friday-confessional/) - My first customer participant in the Friday confessional is supposed to be anonymous, but, looking through this screen, it appears to be...yes...it sounds like... Bee? Bee: Back in my youth, I, like Katy Perry, kissed a girl and I liked it. What should my penance be, Father Muskrat?* FM: Wait. Are you talking about this
- [our pre-game entertainment](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/04/our-pre-game-entertainment/) - Today, when I arrived at court with my three witnesses, there was another hearing ahead of us, so we all sat down and watched. Wal-Mart was the defendant. I won't reveal too much regarding the merits of the case, but I must provide a few of the highlights from the defense counsel's cross-examination of the
- [hey maude, one of those punk kids left some shit on our porch!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/02/hey-maude-one-of-those-punk-kids-left-some-shit-on-our-porch/) - I must be doing something right, as another blogger who identifies herself as a "punk" tossed this tape measure at me yesterday and let me know I "measure up." I assume she means above the waist, but considering my streaking rampage through an Iowa cornfield after watching "Old School" a few years back, I can't
- [silently standing behind the podium for 60 seconds whilst the masses wait transfixed (you know, like hitler!)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/12/01/silently-standing-behind-the-podium-for-60-seconds-whilst-the-masses-wait-transfixed-you-know-like-hitler/) - My friends. I'm here today, not as a wrinkly Senator, but as your humble servant, graciously accepting another award, passed along by an anarchist with the word "Punk" in his title. Nobility? Hardly. Rabble-rouser? Certainly. Punk Rock Dad sent it. Here's the version of the award as it was passed to PRD: And here's how
- [a kool, kickass, kreative award!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/29/a-kool-kickass-kreative-award/) - Few events give me more pride, more validity as a blogging person, as does learning I've been given an award. Except when it's from the Ku Klux Klan. Apparently, whoever kreated this award thought he'd pass along his hatred for all non-WASPs along with his prizes. Why else would he use a "k" instead of
- [on elimination](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/08/on-elimination/) - At 6:50 this morning, I was in Musktopia. I was frolicking on lake shores, eating shell crackers and kicking some beaver ass. A previously unnoticed beaver rose from his dam with warpaint on his face and a bow in his hand. His battle cry of "Ahgopotty Ahgopotty Ahgopotty!" was my only warning. An arrow came
- [a weekend roundup of additional white trash lit](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/03/a-weekend-roundup-of-additional-white-trash-lit/) - Encouraged by a barrage of request-filled emails and comments wanting more, below are additional highly-recommended sources of "teaching moments" for you and your progeny, compliments of the Muskrat library: 1) He Don't Mean Nothin' By It: My First Book on Domestic Violence. Learn what Daddy means when he says, "I done told you twice!" as
- [count the grammatical errors- fun for a girl or a boy!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/09/count-the-grammatical-errors-fun-for-a-girl-or-a-boy/) - This morning, one of the attorneys in my section left our office, leaving the rest of us in collective misery as we scrambled to reply to Motions for Summary Judgment, Motions in Limine, Motions for Lotion, the Locomotion, etc. Consequently, we weren't exactly singing Loraine's praises today. Especially when I realized I'd be in my
- [pat lost 65 cents on fruit snacks.  mac lost $500 at the dog track.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/10/pat-lost-65-cents-on-fruit-snacks-mac-lost-500-at-the-dog-track/) - As I referenced in yesterday's post, my office was a bit stressed today with the sudden vacating by an associate attorney. Even the vending machine could do no right, as it apparently took Pat's $.65. When I walked by and saw her note for the guy who restocks it, I thought I'd try to lighten
- [dear formerly brand new acura,](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/13/dear-formerly-brand-new-acura/) - As I ran my gentle hands along your imposing curves today, applying soap, water, and a chamois to your body, I remembered how far we've come together the last 4.5 years, and I remembered the promises we made to one another during our courtship in March 2004. And, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought Toddler
- [the challenge:  with which "breakfast club" character do you most identify?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/14/the-challenge-with-which-breakfast-club-character-do-you-most-identify-6/) - This is a hard question for me to answer, as I wrestled in highschool like Andrew, got in trouble with the law a few times like Bender, participated in academic clubs like Brian, looked surprisingly pretty in makeup like Allison, and "never did it!" like Claire. Given a mandate to pick just one, however, I'd
- [a few of my favorite mistakes](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/23/a-few-of-my-favorite-mistakes/) - I've written before about trying a case with my zipper unzipped, but today I'd like to disclose some of my favorite verbal blunders during cross examinations the last 4 years, just in case I ever start getting cocky about never losing at trial. 1) Plaintiff is on the stand, and I'm wanting to impeach her
- [hey now, hey now, it seems it's over](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/28/hey-now-hey-now-it-seems-its-over-4/) - I had just mowed our 1-acre yard on a late-April Saturday in 1987. Suddenly, I dropped my ice water. A blond-haired, blue-eyed 6th grader was pedaling her Schwinn bicycle by our house. I was pretty sure I recognized her from school--she was the new girl...Julie Scott? Yeah, that's right...she'd just moved from Colorado. I wondered
- [shitter's full!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/13/shitters-full/) - Pretty Bride called me at work Friday (something she hasn't done in recent memory) with important news: Toddler had shat in the potty. I know, readers who aren't parents could give a rat's ass, but those of us who change diapers daily and look at an increasingly large belly each day with the knowledge that
- [a meme from avitable](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/16/a-meme-from-avitable/) - My favorite age: 17. I had a new car I'd bought with scholarship money, a bedroom window only a few feet above the ground, and the belief that I knew, and could accomplish, anything. My best friend: Pretty Bride. My celebrity crush: The lead singer of Poison, until I learned Bret was a man. Also,
- [179 pages about how to act instinctively](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/22/179-pages-about-how-to-act-instinctively/) - We're at the hospital today, as the baby who was supposed to come in early November decided he didn't want to miss most of the college football season, so he came early. He seems concerned about the Alabama v. Georgia game, and I really can't fault him. He spoke immediately about how the Tide was
- [how to blog with wit:  a brief homage to the sabbatical-taking ominous comma](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/04/how-to-blog-with-wit-a-brief-homage-to-the-sabbatical-taking-ominous-comma/) - Since Brent asked me to post 5 humorous blogging tips a while back, I've chosen to finally do so today, since he's taking a break for a bit. Okay, he didn't really ask me to submit these ideas. I asked him if I could, and he made fun of my pink shirt. Go ahead and
- [fire in the sky](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/01/fire-in-the-sky/) - This was the view from our deck shortly after the Atlanta Braves baseball game ended the other night. I won't tell you what those green bastards did to my small intestines. ----------- Despise anal probes from foreign galaxies? Laugh it off here.
- [pea green with envy](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/02/pea-green-with-envy/) - Today as I walked up to the printer to get my mapquest directions to tomorrow's deposition, I saw a letter sent to opposing counsel referencing a plaintiff named Janet Jackson. I stopped what I was doing and loudly asked, "Who has a case with Janet Jackson?!" My next door neighbor, Victor, has the case. "I'm
- [how to tell if you suck balls](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/09/how-to-tell-if-you-suck-balls/) - Simple. Click on the link below, wait for the video to load, and watch. If you don't like it by the Netherlands, you suck balls! I'm all about helping people answer the important questions that plague them. Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo. Leave your number in the comments...I've been
- [an invitation for haley salmon](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/18/an-invitation-for-haley-salmon/) - Here is an email I received responding to a condo I had listed for rent. The above picture was included with the text. Skim it; it's long, but I'm including all of it as a PSA for other attempted victims, like I did when Mike Jones wrote me. At the bottom is my email back
- [where have you gone, GySgt Hartman?  our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/19/where-have-you-gone-gysgt-hartman-our-nation-turns-its-lonely-eyes-to-you/) - Dad Gone Mad had this clip on his blog recently, and it brought back some fond memories. I remember my younger brother's reciting this entire clip from memory when we were in high school. I recall thinking that when I was in ROTC and would head off to Lackland AFB in July to go through
- [the best short story from Cannes](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/22/the-best-short-story-from-cannes/) - I like this film because: 1) it tells a good, believable story in which anyone can be the hero 2) it has a fitting soundtrack 3) it accurately portrays the volume of pigeons everywhere in Europe 4) the beggar's new sign correctly uses the comma (the old version needed a semicolon) 5) it shows the power
- [i can get some satisfaction](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/25/i-can-get-some-satisfaction/) - As I've written about before, we're too cheap to buy a booster seat for Toddler, so she sits on phonebooks in a grownup chair when we gather around the table to break bread every evening. Today, I noticed she'd shed her drawers for some reason and was sitting bare ass. No big surprise there. However,
- [how y'all are getting here](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/17/how-yall-are-getting-here/) - Just a few of the google searches that have taken readers to MUSKRAT: ricky bobby quotes packs of stray dogs: someone loves Talladega Nights, too! laurel, md white where to live: someone is moving to MD and is racist! muskrat turd: someone is in an elementary school science class (or needs to call an exterminator)!
- [a short independent film:  "rocky baby"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/21/a-short-independent-film-rocky-baby/) - This was a gift after my return from war. A gift for me. Not for Baby. Sigh. *interested in your own pocket Rocky? Looky here! **interested in other bloggers who exploit babies? Looky here!
- [Q&A](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/08/qa/) - Today's presentation went well, I thought. It was actually quite fun. I showed up in lawyer garb and gave a quick summary of what I do and how I got to where I am, using the "tips" sheet provided by the school. For example, to the fifth graders, I told them that by the time
- [oh](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/11/oh/) - Our nearly-two-year-old has been learning to talk the last few months and has figured out how to put together some basic sentences. when she wanted my attention today, she started saying, "Oh! Oh! Oh!" and I replied, "Look, baby is making her 'O' face!" and the Mrs. replied, "Muskrat! inappropriate!"
- [keepin' it real in my 'hood](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/13/keepin-it-real-in-my-hood/) - This mug shot likely depicts one of my neighbors. Contrast that with this entry from a blog I enjoy called "Dad Gone Mad." The thing is, I envy this guy (the blogger, not the arrestee). Even if he does refer to himself as a "puss" for living his "one-sidedly suburban existence." We've had our very "urban
- [honor](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/14/honor/) - I just took a man's deposition who, when asked if he'd ever been arrested, said he had been for "defending my sister's honor." Me: "So, you are a man who would fight for her honor?" Plaintiff: "Excuse me?" Me: "Will you be the hero--she's been dreaming of? Plaintiff's attorney: "Objection." The man was from SE
- [keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the cellar](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/15/reaching-for-the-low-hanging-fruit/) - Right after a few of us were discussing a woman at another firm who'd gone from legal secretary to law clerk to attorney to managing attorney, I got an email that provided a good example of how not to so ascend. So, I learned from it. And now I'm sharing the wealth... 10 signs you are
- [the threat](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/22/the-threat/) - Tonight at dinner, the baby decided she was full and that, instead of continuing to put food onto her fork and into her mouth, she would instead put it onto her fork and then onto the table. And then she'd smear it all over the glass that was cleaned for a house showing just a
- [dissension in the 'hood](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/27/dissension-in-the-hood/) - More love from the neighborhood listserv. Keep in mind that these are grownups with mortgages (some of them rather large). ----------------------- Jacob wrote: We've had a similar ongoing issue with some very inconsiderate drunken neighbors who partay about 10 feet from our bedroom window. 11pm is the legal noise cut-off and we usually end up
- [bad idea jeans](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/31/bad-idea-jeans/) - Here's the SNL commercial I referenced in the reply email to Mike Jones: Bad Idea Jeans
- [where have you gone, fair queen zima?  i used to turn my lonely eyes to you.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/22/where-have-you-gone-fair-queen-zima-i-used-to-turn-my-lonely-eyes-to-you/) - For the rest of my life, I will remember exactly where I was when I learned that no more Zima would be made. It was October 20; I was driving on I-24 West towards Nashville, passing Winchester, TN. I had to pull over and cry. I felt as though I'd learned my first love had
- [my first wordless wednesday](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/29/my-first-wordless-wednesday/) - "I was supposed to stay in utero another 7 days, you bunch of assholes!" And there you have it. ------------------------------------- Blogs with words are found in this list of humorous blogs!
- [pimpin' out snow white](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/02/pimpin-out-snow-white-3/) - I figure if my mancave can win me $100, perhaps my toddler can bring me some dough too. Here's the little one, competing in the "2 and under" category for cutest Halloween picture in the Parent Bloggers Network giveaway, sponsored by Blurb.com. Not that they even came close to competing with my little one, but
- [desperately seeking boners](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/22/desperately-seeking-boners/) - Remember that post about a 5th grade field trip to Huntsville, Alabama? Here are some of the searches that are, as a result of that post, leading here: "dad boner" -- There is a cause and effect relationship here, you know. "why does my boner go up" -- Because you told it to, Drill Sergeant!
- [it's called gratitude](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/27/its-called-gratitude/) - This is the dry erase board on which I encouraged the 39 members of my flight last year to write some things for which they could be thankful, even while stuck spending a holiday in Iraq. See? Things weren't so bad. And here's the Beastie Boys telling us to be grateful: I've never been one
- [an incredible journey](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/25/an-incredible-journey/) - No, I'm not going to write about a dog named Bodger. After receiving a review from Ask And You Shall Receive, I've decided to move to a cleaner template, since part of the feedback I received was that the header was stretched and fuzzy. This means that it can no longer be said that I
- [forcing the force](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/24/forcing-the-force/) - This poster hangs in our powder room. So, whenever Maddie the Toddler and I are in the den, and she belts out an "Oh go potty!" we see this poster. She'll sit on the john while I hold her little shoulders to keep her from falling in, and she'll point to Darth Vader and say,
- [trapped!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/19/trapped/) - Muskrat is trapped in the taiga. His KC-135 Air Force tanker plane has broken down (twice). He hopes to get home in a couple days to revisit the blogosphere (and catch up on a ridiculously large amount of work, he's sure). The trip has been great so far. Have seen a black bear, porpoises, a
- [2 days of muskrat 1970's porndom](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/12/2-days-of-muskrat-1970s-porndom/) - From February 24-26, 2008--46 glorious hours--this Muskrat greeted the world with a porn star mustache. Here is his story. Since puberty, the Muskrat has wanted desperately to have a beard. He wanted to conceal a not-so-great complexion in his youth, and he wanted to stop getting asked how recently he'd graduated lawschool as a youthful-looking
- [coming to an olympic arena near you:  the muskrat toss](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/20/coming-to-an-olympic-arena-near-you-the-muskrat-toss/) - The first time I got tossed out of a bar was when a cover band named "Seattle" came to The Ivory Tusk, an 18-and-over watering hole on the University of Alabama Strip. After a year of 'Bama bangs and their Grateful Dead, Widespread Panic, or Phish covers at every bar and band party within a
- [wordless wednesday:  the king and i](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/19/wordless-wednesday-the-king-and-i/) - ---------------------------------- Against restrictor plate racing? Vote at humor-blogs!
- [a lesson:  do not share your fantasy pro wrestling identity with colleagues](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/17/a-lesson-do-not-share-your-fantasy-pro-wrestling-identity-with-colleagues/) - There are few endeavors at which I do not excel. Precious few. Poker, however, is one of them. I was pretty good in undergrad (read: lucky) and won some cash off several friends who drank more than I did, but now that everyone but me has been watching it on TV every week and actually
- [long distance dedication (aka "interview with the muskrat")](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/14/long-distance-dedication-2/) - Hello, all. Pretty Bride here. Muskrat is trapped in traffic on the way back from a business trip, but wanted to link to the interview he did with Angry Seafood that posted this morning. Enjoy the gratuitous filth, and have a nice weekend, folks.
- [viva la foolishness](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/12/viva-la-foolishness/) - This is a cellphone picture I took around 10pm last night from Philips Arena. So is this. And this. This picture, however, was taken at 2am at Mary's. Which is why I had to pull over this morning to puke my guts out (again). -------------------------------------------------------- Hangover remedies are found at humor-blogs!
- [great.  now i'm one of those white trash parents we've read about.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/10/great-now-im-one-of-those-white-trash-parents-weve-read-about-2/) - As anyone who stands to pee knows, the #1-ranked team in the country, where I was a third-generation graduate, played an important game Saturday against another ranked opponent that determined the SEC West. I had a few friends over to watch. We weren't paying attention to the toddler. Apparently, she meandered over to the recycling
- [across the divide](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/06/across-the-divide/) - I decided last night that I'd challenge the laws governing the space-time continuum and actually talk, in person, to some other bloggers from Atlanta. I know, you're thinking the results could very well mirror Jennifer McFly's meeting her 30-years-ago self, which resulted in syncope, but could very well have resulted in mass catastrophe. I
- [reciprocity:  good for bar admissions and oral sex only](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/04/reciprocity-good-for-bar-admissions-and-oral-sex-only/) - Just the other day, I received the following "direct message" via Twitter from a tweeter named Cary: "Any particular reason you don't follow Lisa? I know, this is weird." To which I replied: "Nope. Sometimes I just don't take the time to think about whether I'll reciprocate or not." And I went back to working.
- [a suitor and the not-so-great pumpkin](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/26/a-suitor-and-the-not-so-great-pumpkin/) - Today, I thought we'd enjoy a family activity: carving a pumpkin for that demonic holiday I love so much that takes place on Friday. Emilie the Teen drew the design; Pretty Bride carved it; I supervised, and Maddie the Toddler ate the eyeballs. She didn't like it and almost immediately began loudly spitting it out
- [broken elvis=broken world](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/21/broken-elvisbroken-world/) - This statue is on Broadway in downtown Nashville, where I was today. He used to have a guitar; now he just has broken fingers and an opened right fist that resembles planned masturbation. What I want to know is this: who is the sorry sack o' shit who ripped off Elvis's guitar? What would one
- [busted!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/07/busted/) - Last Sunday, when I went to pick up Toddler from the church nursery, the room monitor seemed excited for me to hear something she had to say (apparently, she'd been saying it to every other parent who came to pick up his/her child). So, I squatted down to Toddler's level to see the black piece
- [farewell, backdrop](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/10/05/farewell-backdrop/) - Apparently, my do-gooder neighbors decided to get up yesterday morning while I was at Saint Simons Island and do some beautification. Normally, I'd be happy about this, as our 'hood certainly needs it. However, they covered up the graffiti from my masthead wall! Just who the hell does this woman think she is? The Anti-Muskrat-Masthead
- [on panhandling](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/29/on-panhandling/) - Today, as I was searching online to pay my water bill, I found this website on panhandling, which reminded me of some of my favorite experiences the last few years with Atlanta panhandlers. Below are three instances from when I was in school and spent a good bit of time downtown, going to courtrooms to
- [SOX can eatadick](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/28/sarbanes-oxley-can-eatadick/) - Sarbanes-Oxley, I'm not a fan. Granted, I don't practice securities or regulation law, so I don't know much more about this piece of governmental meddling oversight other than what y'all know: that it was created to stop corporate raping of shareholders, a la Enron and WorldCom and HealthSouth and Adelphia, and that it requires a
- [hills like brown bison](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/25/hills-like-brown-bison/) - I awake this morning, open the toilet lid, crack open the blinds for some moonlight, glance outside, and freeze. I realize this is a day no pee will come. Me: "Um, there are some large--possibly dead--animals lying in our driveway..." Pretty Bride (from the bedroom): "What?" Me: "Tetonka! Tetonka!" I summon my guardian and protector--Winnie
- [found:  jabba the hutt's african sister](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/24/found-jabba-the-hutts-african-sister/) - I've learned this week that I suck as a single dad; I hope to never have it become a permanent lifestyle. Teen was late to school every day this week. Today, she had no lunch. Yesterday, Toddler was late to preschool and also had no lunch. Today when I dropped Teen off at her school,
- [why i'll never get unsupervised visitation](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/20/why-ill-never-get-unsupervised-visitation/) - Today, Pretty Bride made the mistake of leaving me alone with Toddler for several hours while she ran some errands. As she drove away, I was sitting on the front porch with my Thinkpad; Toddler had just removed her diaper and was having some bare ass time on the porch swing. Toddler: "Daddy, need potty."
- [a major award](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/18/a-major-award/) - Bill handed me this thing yesterday. It reminds me a little of the venereal disease I picked up on the stairwell of the Music City Mix Factory several years ago, right before the bouncer kicked me out and told me to "get a room," which I followed with a "get an original cutdown, assmonger," to
- [stopping starship, upsetting duran duran, and busying humpty](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/17/stopping-starship-upsetting-duran-duran-and-busying-humpty/) - -------------------------------------------------------- For writers who offend artists from the '80s and '90s, look at this directory of humour blogs!
- ["my first NASCAR book" and other essential white trash literature](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/15/my-first-nascar-book-and-other-essential-literature/) - Today I received an email from my uncle, who lives in Birmingham, Alabama; he quit IT consulting not too long ago to pursue a new career in teaching (a benefit of living in a paid off house): Just thought I would relate a funny thing I noticed yesterday. As you know, many of my education
- [an overheard conversation](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/12/an-overheard-conversation/) - Hello, Pretty Bride here. Muskrat doesn't know I can hear him upstairs with his daughter through the monitor. He left me with his Thinkpad chatting with an AT&T rep, so he could go initiate bathtime. Just thought I'd transcribe the exchange upstairs: Muskrat: Your name is Macy, not Baby. Toddler: Not Ba-by. Muskrat: Say, "My
- [who's your daddy?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/09/whos-your-daddy/) - I took this crap picture out the window of my car at a red light about a mile from our home. Sadly, the sign was gone 2 days later. However, I found their website and used the above picture to give them a call, after going for a run, cuing up some Blue Merle, and
- [semen tissues like islands in a stream](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/08/semen-tissues-like-islands-in-a-stream/) - Last weekend I traveled with the Air National Guard. After a few of us went out drinking, one of the guys, Ron, said he was tired and that he was headed to our hotel room to retire for the night (yes, the military is sometimes thrifty with our tax dollars and has us "double up"
- [to the prefacers and forwarders, eatadick](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/04/to-the-prefacers-and-forwarders-eatadick/) - To the folks who start blog entries or forwarded emails with, "This is long but worth the read" or "I apologize in advance for the length of this post," I have a simple request of you: eat a dick. We're smart enough to know within half a second that a post is long. All it
- [criminals on cups!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/03/criminals-on-cups/) - Some of our neighbors have cameras installed for security around their home, and when these kids were traipsing through one neighbor's yard, he sent the pictures to the entire 'hood after saving them on a Kodak website. What I found amusing was the automatically-generated ad at the bottom to get coffee mugs or stationary depicting
- [100 posts, 100 truths](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/09/02/100-posts-100-truths/) - I learned today that at one's 100th post, he is supposed to reveal 100 truths about himself. This is Number 101, but here goes: 1- I can't write without music, a couple cocktails , or running. I prefer all 3, as I have done tonight. 2- Mute Math, Makers, and more than 2 miles works
- [a rare conglomerate](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/30/a-rare-conglomerate/) - I'm excited to report the following simultaneous events going on downtown this weekend: 1) Black Gay Pride weekend: a time for men and women of color who enjoy the companionship of their own gender and race to gather, celebrate, and, I hope, carouse. 2) Dragon*Con: a gathering for science fiction nerds allowing them to dress
- [a novella:  9 days, 8 nights (aka "mein kampf")](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/26/a-novella-9-days-8-nights-aka-mein-kampf/) - I credit blame Jack Krakauer, Sean Penn, Eddie Vedder, and the Air National Guard for last week. The latter scheduled the plane on which I decided to catch a "hop" (space available flight). The former two told a story that haunted me for far longer than it should have, and Mr Vedder I blame for
- [from anchorage, alaska to bristol, tennessee](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/25/from-anchorage-alaska-to-bristol-tennessee/) - On its 4th attempt, the United States Air Force was successfully able to get about 20 "on orders" Airmen and two hitchhikers home via a KC-135 that landed in Nashville. Instead of going home, however, I drove 4hrs east to Bristol, TN for a NASCAR race, where I met my father and a friend from
- [born free, the muskrat scurries Into the Wild](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/14/born-free-the-muskrat-scurries-into-the-wild/) - If this blog were a grocery store out in Bucksnort, Tennessee, there'd be a sign on the door saying "Gone Fishing." Instead, here's a post explaining that I'll be away from the blogosphere for several days, as I'm grabbing the Freaky Weasel and heading into Alexander Supertramp territory for an Alaskan adventure. Maybe I'll even
- [on hiking, humping, and the hefty](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/11/on-hiking-humping-and-the-hefty/) - Today I led the family to the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area for a 4-mile loop along the water through the woods. At one point, there were several dogs gathered together playing, causing Toddler to exclaim with glee, "Doggies!" Which I translate to mean, "How enjoyable! Let's pause to reflect on the unbridled freedom leashless
- [f*cking up Ice Cube's pentameter](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/09/fcking-up-ice-cubes-pentameter/) - We just drove by the 8-month construction project that is the I-75/I-85 (they're the same road for a few miles) repaving project bisecting downtown and midtown Atlanta. There was a cop on the side of the road, or at least, someone dressed like a cop with flashing blue lights on top of his car. However,
- [pro se plaintiffs, or, how NOT to bring a lawsuit](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/06/pro-se-plaintiffs-or-how-not-to-bring-a-lawsuit/) - A pro se plaintiff pursues a lawsuit, claim, hearing, or other legal proceeding without the aid of an attorney. I'm sure they think themselves an educated, cavalier lot, but most of us who get their cases find them to be nutjobs. It's not that I can't empathize with where they're coming from--after all, attorneys are
- [free legal advice:  don't address a judge's black staff member as "little monkey"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/05/free-legal-advice-dont-address-a-judges-black-staff-member-as-little-monkey/) - An Atlanta divorce lawyer has been banned from the 5th floor of a county courthouse without an escort for ignoring the advice above. Seriously. He was quoted as saying, "It was a pretty black lady that I thought I knew and was joking with." Uh huh. I'm sure he addresses his wife as "bitch" and
- [the real caption:  "remember as you train:  the battle is the payoff!"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/03/the-real-caption-remember-as-you-train-the-battle-is-the-payoff/) - The Nemesing One had the funniest (in my estimation) caption: "Hee hee. That English chic will never know it was me that gave her VD." Thanks for your participation! Since The Toddler is away with her grandparents, this avatar's buttface will have to wait another couple days. There were several that made Pretty Bride and
- [to the toilet talkers, quit wasting your time](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/08/01/to-the-toilet-talkers-quit-wasting-your-time/) - Apparently, I wear memorable shoes, because my male colleagues seem to have no trouble knowing that I'm in the bathroom stall when they walk in to use the facilities. For some reason, they feel the need to show off their recognizing my shoes, and they try to strike up conversations with me while I'm in
- [spare the rod?  not so much.](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/30/spare-the-rod-not-so-much/) - Pretty Bride and I were talking about punishment recently and how I thought "time out" was for pussies. She says The Literature says that spanking is not really the best way to teach children right from wrong. This got me to thinking about my childhood and the many, many whippings I endured when misunderstood or
- [a caption contest from the 1948 "national guard manual basic"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/29/a-caption-contest-from-the-1948-national-guard-manual-basic/) - My grandfather gave me his National Guard Manual, according to his handwritten inscription, on August 5, 1997 and wished me "a lot of happy experiences in the National Guard." It has sat on a bookshelf for over ten years until last weekend, when I flipped through it for a bit to put off some work.
- [and the spiderman glasses go to (opens envelope)...](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/23/and-the-spiderman-glasses-go-to-opens-envelope/) - Toddler celebrated her newly-received promotion by winning the random drawing that concludes every Muskrat family reunion to encourage staying until after the last of the Mississippi Mud has been eaten and the last of the over 80 crowd tells the last of the under 35 crowd how glad they are that they came and how
- [promotion sunday](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/21/promotion-sunday/) - Remember when you were a youngster and, during the summer at Sunday School, the church would decide you were actually in the grade you were scheduled to start the upcoming fall? It was called "Promotion Sunday." But what happened to the kids who'd failed the previous school year? Did God allow them to progress with
- [bitch, you ride the marta bus](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/17/bitch-you-ride-the-marta-bus/) - Here's some more goodness from the ATL. After seeing this, I thought I'd try it with Pretty Bride as she was entering the passenger side of the muskratmobile during a thunderstorm. Though painful, her reaction has saved me the burden of eventually getting a vasectomy. [youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=vQTuYo6HmiQ] ----------------- Enjoy mass transit as a blogging genre? Read
- [drinking with clients v. drinking alone:  too close to call?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/16/drinking-with-clients-v-drinking-alone-too-close-to-call/) - disclaimer: this post preceded by drinking Okay, does anyone actually ENJOY taking a client out for dinner and drinks? Really? I've met salesmen, and they're usually fat happy men with gin blossom noses. I guess they like their lives. Lawyers, though, don't so much enjoy the "client relationship building" aspect of their practice. In fact,
- [from the vault:  Friday, July 17, 1989 (the day i crapped in a sauna)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/15/from-the-vault-friday-july-17-1989-a-hot-shitty-vacation/) - Today we went to Capitol Reef National Park. Then we went to Arches National Park. In Capitol Reef we saw 11 deer. We saw a black bull next to the road. Dad moo'd at it, and it looked at us real weird. I took a picture of him. Tomorrow we will go to Colorado. We
- [when DO balls taste best?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/14/when-do-balls-taste-best/) - Pretty Bride is kind enough to enjoy fixing me a lunch every morning, since I'm too cheap to go out to lunch. Often, lunch is leftovers, and she'll include instructions for preparation. Today, it was falafel. I went into our breakroom, like I do every day, and I opened my insulated lunch carrier, like I
- [the importance of staying fly](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/12/the-importance-of-staying-fly/) - This fine establishment is close to our house. After passing it 100 times, I finally drove by with a camera in the car, pulled up, leaned out the window, and quickly took a picture before getting shot. I love it. How many stores offer clothing AND apparel? I mean--sure, one expects to find fine clothing
- [Jack Kramer, Pursuer of Adulterous Points Users](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/10/jack-kramer-pursuer-of-adulterous-points-users/) - I've noticed something. Whenever I get my monthly or semi-monthly or whatever it is email from Marriott showing my points totals and what deals they have to encourage more travel, I get a similar email from Hilton a couple hours later. I found this puzzling enough to discuss it with Pretty Bride. Me: "So, do
- [bean juice and harassing the copy boy](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/08/bean-juice-and-harassing-the-copy-boy/) - Eric mans our copy room at work and gripes about the bad coffee we serve. So, he has started bringing his own beans and a grinder. He makes his "good" batch and puts a small yellow sticky note on the glass container holding his special blend, so that those of us in the know will
- [dress to impress](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/07/dress-to-impress/) - I just realized that I've been walking around my office all day with brownie crumbs stuck to my ass. No wonder there's been snickering. Pretty Bride included a brownie with the lunch she packed me, and apparently I let some crumbs fall into my chair while eating it at my desk. Then I shifted in
- [guest post from pretty bride:  "25 cent mac and cheese"](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/06/guest-post-from-pretty-bride-25-cent-mac-and-cheese/) - So, I'm at the grocery store, buying the week's groceries (plus bananas for poor Muskrat's tired muscles), and I see in the discount aisle that macaroni and cheese are on sale, four for a dollar. Now, we can eat us some mac n cheese, and 25 cents is a sweet deal. So I tossed a
- [muskrat, where have you been all morning?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/04/muskrat-where-have-you-been-all-morning/) - Why, I was running in the world's largest 10k, of course! I learned from a friend on Sunday afternoon that she didn't need her number, so I used it. That gave me 5 days to train. I tried to run 5 miles Sunday afternoon and was able to do it without vomiting or passing out.
- [somethin's come between us](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/03/somethins-come-between-us/) - Having a pregnant wife makes hugging hard, as there's always this little unborn creature curled up in the way. It kept Ellen Page from dancing close to Jason Bateman in "Juno." When I brush up against baby girth and Pretty Bride says, "something's come between us," I don't think about Ellen Page or future baby
- [from the mailbag](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/07/02/from-the-mailbag/) - Dear Muskrat, You need a custom header. --The Figurehead Dear Figurehead, See above. And mind your own damned business. --Muskrat
- [beverages that complement marijuana](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/30/beverages-that-complement-marijuana/) - ------------- More blogs that go with weed are found here.
- [6/27/08:  a day that will live in muskrat infamy](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/28/62708-a-day-that-will-live-in-muskrat-infamy/) - A reader who's a member of the Air National Guard sent me the following story from Fox News online, along with a suggested course of action: Run Muskrat Run! Frantic Sandbagging Effort to Save Missouri Town After Muskrat Brings Down Levee Let me first say that I am very sorry for the trouble this incident
- [from the vault:  this date in 1990 and 1988](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/26/from-the-vault-this-date-in-1990-and-1988/) - Tuesday ,June 26, 1990: Today, we drove to Glacier National Park. Kevin and I played in the snow and threw snowballs at cars. It was fun. We drove to the top of a mountain and then back down and out of the park. Then we crossed the border into Canada. I went to sleep until
- [andy, did you hear about this one?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/26/andy-did-you-hear-about-this-one/) - Last weekend, I saw REM perform. Being a 30-something parent with multiple professions, I rarely get to go to concerts any more, so I try to pick them well. Stipe can still rock like he did 30 years ago, and seeing Mike Mills glow when he took over vocals for "Don't Go Back to Rockville"
- [picture pages](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/25/picture-pages/) - We recently learned that the baby we are expecting this fall will be--consistent with Pretty Bride's intuition--a boy. That's right. This baby has junk! Here's the little man rocking out. We put some headphones on either side of Pretty Bride's belly and piped in some Twisted Sister. Damn right he's not gonna take it. Anymore.
- [my baby upstages](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/24/baby-upstages/) - You boys go ahead and muck through your ABCs with your Daddy over there. I'm reading about The Hulk, bitches!
- [a confused boy learns about diversity](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/23/a-confused-boy-learns-about-diversity/) - I started elementary school in Germantown, TN in 1980, having moved there from Ohio after a stint in Delaware. It was at this Germantown elementary school that I met a young boy named Robert whom I liked, but just did not understand. Robert was African-American. I'd never seen such a being. Robert and I were friends, but
- [from the vault:  why i became a lawyer:  chapter 1 (i assume)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/20/from-the-vault-why-i-became-a-lawyer-chapter-1-i-assume/) - I often take time on Thursday nights to look through "the vault" to see what I was doing 20 years ago and whether or not it's worth publishing for the world to read (or ridicule). I certainly don't expect to gain any insight from this exercise...I usually come away thinking I was not nearly as good
- [parking](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/19/parking/) - Muskrats are only allowed to park here.
- [called to the ring!](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/18/called-to-the-ring/) - Apparently, this "Figurehead" creature is unhappy with the Muskrat! http://thefigurehead.wordpress.com/2008/06/18/just-like-an-old-monster-movie/
- [an etiquette lesson](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/18/an-etiquette-lesson/)
- [a gift that'll keep on givin'](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/17/a-gift-thatll-keep-on-givin/) - My brother flew in from St. Louis last night and delivered the above card and wooden figurine depicting a young boy taking a crap. I'm planning to take it with me to work, so that every morning, I can carry it into the latrine with me and ward off the evil turd burglar.
- [hells yeah, i'm an offender](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/16/hells-yeah-im-an-offender/) - I got recognized this weekend by a blogger with an eye for the offensive. And you thought muskrats couldn't tear up. WRONG.
- [email exchange with mrs. darwin](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/16/email-exchange-with-mrs-darwin/) - CONGRATULATIONS!!!YOUR EMAIL HAVE WON. Saturday, June 14, 2008 1:36 PM From: "OXFAM GB - UK" To: undisclosed-recipients ----------------------------------- OXFAM GB - UK 274, Banbury Road, Oxford OX2 7DZ Dear sir/madam This is to notify you that you have been officially chosen by the Board of Trustees of the Oxfam GB
- [bucolic bopping](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/12/bucolic-bopping/) - Today, I drove 1.5 hours into the middle of nowhere for a deposition with two other attorneys (normally, there are just two total, but this case has a coverage dispute between the insurance company and the employer, so instead of one attorney representing both entities, there were two). After the deposition, the plaintiff's lawyer walked
- [from the vault:  1988](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/11/from-the-vault-1988/) - I just had a birthday, which made me wonder what I was up to on birthdays from years past. I went back into the closet and found the following: ---------------- Tuesday, June 7, 1988: Today I turned 13. I had to take exams on my birthday. That is the 1st time I have had to
- [another argument against hybridization](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/10/another-argument-against-hybridization/) - Here's another post from my beloved neighborhood listserv. Apparently, our neighborhood is being run by packs of stray, wild dogs, just like Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton, Jr. were kind enough to warn us about in a PSA. --------------------------- Neighbors, Early this morning my partner witnessed a pack of 6 wild dogs 'hunting' in our
- [a sleepy bottom:  gauge for success?](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/09/a-sleepy-bottom-gauge-for-success/)
- [searching for multiple ballsacks](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/09/searching-for-multiple-ballsacks/) - While writing a film review for my "other" writing gig, I found that spellcheck disagreed with my pluralizing "scrotum" with an "s." I thought this a bit odd, but Pretty Bride, who took Latin at some point while striving for her 3.5 college degrees, told me it was "scrota." I did the following search and found
- [by the sweat of my balls](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/06/by-the-sweat-of-my-balls/) - By the sweat of your brow, you will produce food to eat until you return to the ground… (Genesis 3:19) Most of us don't do our producing in a manner that requires sweaty brows, but we probably do get sweaty ball when we produce, right? Ever reach down to adjust and then smell your hand?
- [where to bring your foul mouth](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/05/where-to-bring-your-foul-mouth/)
- [free to a good home:  one nearly 2-year-old baby](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/04/free-to-a-good-home-one-nearly-2-year-old-baby/) - I made the mistake of leaving work today at 5:30pm so that I could have dinner with the family before Pretty Bride had to teach a class for 3 hours. It took 1.25 hours (4x the usual commute time), so she was gone by the time I returned. I quickly bathed the baby, put her
- [correctly placing blame](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/03/placing-blame/)
- [smiling juan](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/02/smiling-juan/) - One of my employer clients sent me this today--a picture of the plaintiff. His name is Juan. You know, in case I see him standing outside the local Home Depot or something. I'm not sure what the hell I'm supposed to do with this…I think she expects me to drive all over town looking for
- [my upscale neighborhood and its homicides](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/06/01/my-upscale-neighborhood-and-its-homicides/) - The following is from a local news source. The incident described happened about 1/2 mile from our house. Nice. I love the last sentences about our hood's being an "upscale neighborhood" where it's "unusual" to see this "particular sort of crime." Of course, this is because the typical burglaries, vandalism, and auto thefts don't involve
- [a very muskrat memorial day](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/29/a-very-muskrat-memorial-day/) - My folks forwarded me a few pictures they took from our holiday weekend vacation. This one is of my brother. He's playing with a snake he caught in the driveway. He said he saw on Animal Planet how to handle these things without getting bitten. This is Alabama's version of "automatic pilot." Here is my
- [the negotiator](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/28/the-negotiator/) - During our aforementioned Memorial Day weekend trip, Pretty Bride and I shared a room with Baby. Baby forgot that we'd moved into the Central time zone and awoke promptly at 0530 each morning, much to our alarm and fatigue. Our first morning in the same room, she opened her eyes at 0525 and said, "Mommy?" We
- [how to ensure no one leaves you trail magic](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/27/how-to-ensure-no-one-leaves-you-trail-magic/) - 9 members of my family gathered last weekend at a house on Lake Guntersville. On Saturday morning, my brother, wife, and our tween decided to go hiking and explore a cave along the trail. As we were coming out, I heard some voices in the distance and noticed that a mother and two little boys
- [from the vault:  this date in 1987](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/24/from-the-vault-this-date-in-1987/) - I spent some time in my closet last night and found some childhood journals. So, I will periodically type what was handwritten 20 years ago and post it. I think it will keep me grounded. And help with humility. What's amazing is that I still regularly spend time with one of the kids mentioned below,
- [200k:  a car odyssey](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/21/200k-a-car-odyssey/) - Ever since Toyota ran commercials with some of its customers taking their cars over 200k miles in the '80s, I've thought it would be nice to hit the bicentenniel (but with a nicer car). A few years ago, I took a 1987 Mercedes 190E to 187,500 miles. I was almost to 200,000. I dropped it
- [the dumbass](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/20/the-dumbass/) - Today, I interviewed a new client about a former employee who's now the plaintiff in a lawsuit against it; we suspect it's a retaliatory claim related to his firing. I asked why the plaintiff had been fired. His answer: "Well, I believe he just went and had a "dumb ass attack." My response: "Yeah, I
- [countries i've visited (they're red, too)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/17/countries-ive-visited/) - create your own visited countries map or vertaling Duits Nederlands
- [states i've visited (they're red)](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/17/states-ive-visited/) - create your own visited states map or check out these Google Hacks.
- [baby's observation](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/17/babys-observation/) - A baby muskrat is called a kit. This morning as I got the baby out of bed and began changing her diaper, we heard what I hope was a single firework going off somewhere down the street. She said, "Uh oh, shots!" While she regularly introduces her sentences with "uh oh," I had no idea
- [urban hayride](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/14/urban-hayride/) - actual description from a house down the street (emphasis added): AWESOME FORECLOSURE PROPERTY!GREAT CONVENIENTLOCATION!AN INVESTOR OR 1ST TIME HOMEOWNER'SDREAM!CLEAN, COSY&COMFORTABLE!INCREDIBLE VALUE!SOLD AS- Below is an email thread from my neighborhood's community listserv. If it looks like a bunch of neighbors are carpooling to go to court with the hope that they will see the kid
- [Q&A continued:  my answers to the children's questions](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/13/qa-continued-my-answers/) - 5th grade: Why do we go to war? Because God is angry at you. What was the most interesting trial you’ve had? Scopes Monkey. Where did you sleep in Iraq? With your girlfriend. How long was the plane ride to Iraq? Even without the aid of a deep-running jimmy, my butt went to sleep. Can
- [career day](http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/05/07/career-day/) - I'm supposed to stand in front of an elementary school class at a location that can well be described nicely as "inner city" or not so nicely as the "straight up 'hood" tomorrow. i figured that since i practice insurance defense law, to include workers' compensation defense, i could describe my vocation with a visual

## Pages

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- [About](http://fathermuskrat.com/about-2/) - Call me Moe. After we saw "Meet the Fockers," my wife starting saying, "Muskrat!" when I'd say something inappropriate in front of the children. Or anyone else whose opinion had any value to her. I started writing in spiral notebooks with Bic pens in 1984. I started typing on web logs in 2005. This site
- [Blog](http://fathermuskrat.com/blog/)
- [Favorite Posts](http://fathermuskrat.com/favorites/) - A Princess Needs a Prince Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle Dressed Like a Rat, I Made Kids Cry Who Wants to Rent from an Infidel? If I Were a Dinosaur, I'd be a Mega-Sore-Ass My Snuggie Lost: the Endangered Parisian Pink Muskrat Why I'm Hung Like a "Ken" Doll I'm Wise Enough to Know
- [Contact Me](http://fathermuskrat.com/contact-me/)

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- [Before I was a lawyer](http://fathermuskrat.com/category/before-i-was-a-lawyer/)
- [The Mrs.](http://fathermuskrat.com/category/the-mrs/)
- [Movember](http://fathermuskrat.com/category/movember-2/)
- [product reviews](http://fathermuskrat.com/category/product-reviews/)
- [Naval Gazing](http://fathermuskrat.com/category/naval-gazing/)
- [Household](http://fathermuskrat.com/category/household/)

## Tags

- [1948](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/1948/)
- [9/11](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/911/)
- [acura](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/acura/)
- [advice](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/advice/)
- [aging](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/aging/)
- [air force](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/air-force/)
- [alaska](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/alaska/)
- [alexander supertramp](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/alexander-supertramp/)
- [aliens](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/aliens/)
- [allegory](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/allegory/)
- [Alonso Alvarez Barreda](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/alonso-alvarez-barreda/)
- [anniversary](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/anniversary/)
- [answers](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/answers/)
- [argument](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/argument/)
- [art](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/art/)
- [atlanta](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/atlanta/)
- [bad idea](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bad-idea/)
- [badger](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/badger/)
- [badgers](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/badgers/)
- [bailout](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bailout/)
- [balls](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/balls/)
- [baptism](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/baptism/)
- [baseball](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/baseball/)
- [basement](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/basement/)
- [bathroom](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bathroom/)
- [beard](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/beard/)
- [beastiality](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/beastiality/)
- [beating](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/beating/)
- [beer](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/beer/)
- [Bill Me Later](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bill-me-later/)
- [Birmingham](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/birmingham/)
- [birth](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/birth/)
- [birthday](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/birthday/)
- [blog](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blog/)
- [boot camp](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/boot-camp/)
- [boy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/boy/)
- [breakfast](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/breakfast/)
- [breakfast club](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/breakfast-club/)
- [breastfeeding](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/breastfeeding/)
- [brewery tour](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/brewery-tour/)
- [buick](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/buick/)
- [bus](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bus/)
- [buttface](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/buttface/)
- [Cannes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cannes/)
- [caption](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/caption/)
- [caption contest](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/caption-contest/)
- [car](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/car/)
- [card](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/card/)
- [career day](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/career-day/)
- [cheap](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cheap/)
- [cheese](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cheese/)
- [childhood](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/childhood/)
- [childhood stories](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/childhood-stories/)
- [children's books](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/childrens-books/)
- [chris mccandless](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/chris-mccandless/)
- [chuck e cheese](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/chuck-e-cheese/)
- [church](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/church/)
- [civil disobedience](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/civil-disobedience/)
- [college football](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/college-football/)
- [Congress](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/congress/)
- [content](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/content/)
- [contest](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/contest/)
- [conversation](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/conversation/)
- [corporal punishment](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/corporal-punishment/)
- [court](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/court/)
- [courtroom gaffes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/courtroom-gaffes/)
- [craigslist](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/craigslist/)
- [craigslist scam](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/craigslist-scam/)
- [daddy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/daddy/)
- [damnation](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/damnation/)
- [dance](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dance/)
- [database](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/database/)
- [delivery](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/delivery/)
- [denali national park](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/denali-national-park/)
- [deposition](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/deposition/)
- [dick in a box](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dick-in-a-box/)
- [discount](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/discount/)
- [domestic violence](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/domestic-violence/)
- [dragon con](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dragon-con/)
- [eat a dick](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/eat-a-dick/)
- [eddi vedder](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/eddi-vedder/)
- [family reunion](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/family-reunion/)
- [family vacation](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/family-vacation/)
- [fire in the sky](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fire-in-the-sky/)
- [firehose](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/firehose/)
- [fireworks](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fireworks/)
- [forty](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/forty/)
- [frugal](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/frugal/)
- [fuck the police](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fuck-the-police/)
- [full metal jacket](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/full-metal-jacket/)
- [garage band](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/garage-band/)
- [gatlinburg](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gatlinburg/)
- [gay](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gay/)
- [genocide](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/genocide/)
- [gift](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gift/)
- [God](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/god/)
- [golden shower](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/golden-shower/)
- [google search](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/google-search/)
- [grade](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/grade/)
- [grammar](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/grammar/)
- [Great Dane Pub](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/great-dane-pub/)
- [grocery store](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/grocery-store/)
- [gysgt hartman](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gysgt-hartman/)
- [halloween](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/halloween/)
- [hayley salmon](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hayley-salmon/)
- [health care](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/health-care/)
- [high school](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/high-school/)
- [highschool](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/highschool/)
- [Historia de un Letrero](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/historia-de-un-letrero/)
- [homecoming](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/homecoming/)
- [honor](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/honor/)
- [hood](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hood/)
- [humor](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/humor/)
- [humor blogs](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/humor-blogs/)
- [ice cube](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ice-cube/)
- [incest](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/incest/)
- [infidel](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/infidel/)
- [injury](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/injury/)
- [insults](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/insults/)
- [into the wild](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/into-the-wild/)
- [iraq](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/iraq/)
- [IRS](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/irs/)
- [jabba the hutt](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/jabba-the-hutt/)
- [jack krakauer](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/jack-krakauer/)
- [janet jackson](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/janet-jackson/)
- [juno](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/juno/)
- [karaoke](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/karaoke/)
- [karate kid](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/karate-kid/)
- [kids](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/kids/)
- [kit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/kit/)
- [kkk](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/kkk/)
- [larry craig](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/larry-craig/)
- [lawsuit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lawsuit/)
- [lawyer](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lawyer/)
- [letter](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/letter/)
- [lift high](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lift-high/)
- [literature](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/literature/)
- [litigation](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/litigation/)
- [lottery](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lottery/)
- [mac and cheese](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mac-and-cheese/)
- [madison](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/madison/)
- [Majestic](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/majestic/)
- [mancave](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mancave/)
- [meme](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/meme/)
- [messy baby](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/messy-baby/)
- [meth](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/meth/)
- [Mexico](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mexico/)
- [middle finger](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/middle-finger/)
- [mike jones](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mike-jones/)
- [military training](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/military-training/)
- [miller](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/miller/)
- [miller time](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/miller-time/)
- [milwaukee](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/milwaukee/)
- [monster trucks](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/monster-trucks/)
- [mount healy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mount-healy/)
- [mt mckinley](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mt-mckinley/)
- [muskrat](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/muskrat/)
- [mustache](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mustache/)
- [mustaches](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mustaches/)
- [nascar](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/nascar/)
- [nasty](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/nasty/)
- [national guard](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/national-guard/)
- [natuzzi](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/natuzzi/)
- [neighbors](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/neighbors/)
- [nigerian](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/nigerian/)
- [nutjob](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/nutjob/)
- [NWA](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/nwa/)
- [offensive](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/offensive/)
- [office space](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/office-space/)
- [oh face](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/oh-face/)
- [ominous comma](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ominous-comma/)
- [parenthood](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/parenthood/)
- [paternity test](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/paternity-test/)
- [pee](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pee/)
- [phonebook](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/phonebook/)
- [photo](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/photo/)
- [pink](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pink/)
- [piss](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/piss/)
- [pizza](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pizza/)
- [plaintiff](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/plaintiff/)
- [pocket](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pocket/)
- [poice](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/poice/)
- [police](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/police/)
- [poop](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/poop/)
- [porn](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/porn/)
- [post it notes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/post-it-notes/)
- [potty](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/potty/)
- [potty training](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/potty-training/)
- [prank](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/prank/)
- [pregnancy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pregnancy/)
- [pro se plaintiff](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pro-se-plaintiff/)
- [promotion sunday](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/promotion-sunday/)
- [protest](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/protest/)
- [public urination](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/public-urination/)
- [queen zima](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/queen-zima/)
- [questions](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/questions/)
- [racist](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/racist/)
- [raising eggs](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/raising-eggs/)
- [raising kids](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/raising-kids/)
- [ramadan](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ramadan/)
- [rant](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rant/)
- [rap](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rap/)
- [rat](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rat/)
- [real estate](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/real-estate/)
- [religion](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/religion/)
- [rental property](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rental-property/)
- [RLT](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rlt/)
- [rocky](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rocky/)
- [scam](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/scam/)
- [scared children](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/scared-children/)
- [sean penn](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sean-penn/)
- [september 10](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/september-10/)
- [shitter](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/shitter/)
- [short film](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/short-film/)
- [shots](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/shots/)
- [simple minds](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/simple-minds/)
- [sing](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sing/)
- [single dad](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/single-dad/)
- [SNL](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/snl/)
- [sofa](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sofa/)
- [south](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/south/)
- [spanking](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/spanking/)
- [spiderman](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/spiderman/)
- [spring break](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/spring-break/)
- [stampede trail](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/stampede-trail/)
- [Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/stephen-kellogg-the-sixers/)
- [steve fee](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/steve-fee/)
- [sunday school](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sunday-school/)
- [talking](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/talking/)
- [tardy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/tardy/)
- [terrorism](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/terrorism/)
- [the digger](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-digger/)
- [the national guard manual basic](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-national-guard-manual-basic/)
- [The Parent Bloggers Network](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-parent-bloggers-network/)
- [the scarlet letter](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-scarlet-letter/)
- [The Story of a Sign](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-story-of-a-sign/)
- [time out](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/time-out/)
- [tobacco](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/tobacco/)
- [toddler](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/toddler/)
- [toilet](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/toilet/)
- [trauma](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/trauma/)
- [travel](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/travel/)
- [trial](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/trial/)
- [turd burglar](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/turd-burglar/)
- [ultrasound](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ultrasound/)
- [university of wisconsin](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/university-of-wisconsin/)
- [vacation](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/vacation/)
- [violence](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/violence/)
- [war](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/war/)
- [water balloons](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/water-balloons/)
- [welfare](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/welfare/)
- [where the hell is matt](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/where-the-hell-is-matt/)
- [whipping](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/whipping/)
- [whores](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/whores/)
- [winner](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/winner/)
- [wisconsin](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/wisconsin/)
- [wonder years](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/wonder-years/)
- [work](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/work/)
- [workplace](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/workplace/)
- [worship](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/worship/)
- [zima](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/zima/)
- [alabama football](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/alabama-football/)
- [angry seafood](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/angry-seafood/)
- [back to the future](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/back-to-the-future/)
- [bar](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bar/)
- [bar admission](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bar-admission/)
- [blog friends](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blog-friends/)
- [bloggers speak](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bloggers-speak/)
- [boners](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/boners/)
- [coldplay](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/coldplay/)
- [cover band](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cover-band/)
- [deployment](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/deployment/)
- [elementary school](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/elementary-school/)
- [fairy tales](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fairy-tales/)
- [fathers and daughters](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fathers-and-daughters/)
- [feminism](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/feminism/)
- [field trip](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/field-trip/)
- [funny costumes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/funny-costumes/)
- [halloween costumes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/halloween-costumes/)
- [halloween parties](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/halloween-parties/)
- [how to use a semicolon](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/how-to-use-a-semicolon/)
- [huntsville space center](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/huntsville-space-center/)
- [interview](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/interview/)
- [jessica lynch](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/jessica-lynch/)
- [kuwait](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/kuwait/)
- [lion](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lion/)
- [mary's](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/marys/)
- [offensive costumes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/offensive-costumes/)
- [oral sex](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/oral-sex/)
- [philips arena](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/philips-arena/)
- [poker](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/poker/)
- [prince](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/prince/)
- [princess](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/princess/)
- [pro wrestling](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pro-wrestling/)
- [real friends](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/real-friends/)
- [rent soundtrack](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rent-soundtrack/)
- [richard petty](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/richard-petty/)
- [rick bragg](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rick-bragg/)
- [seasons of love](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/seasons-of-love/)
- [seattle](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/seattle/)
- [sick](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sick/)
- [snow white](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/snow-white/)
- [the king](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-king/)
- [the shyster](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-shyster/)
- [thrown out](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/thrown-out/)
- [trick or treat](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/trick-or-treat/)
- [twitter](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/twitter/)
- [underage drinking](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/underage-drinking/)
- [veterans day](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/veterans-day/)
- [wordless](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/wordless/)
- [darth vader](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/darth-vader/)
- [luke skywalker](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/luke-skywalker/)
- [princess leia](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/princess-leia/)
- [star wars](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/star-wars/)
- [new blog](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/new-blog/)
- [father muskrat](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/father-muskrat/)
- [wordpress](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/wordpress/)
- [Thanksgiving](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/thanksgiving/)
- [deploy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/deploy/)
- [guitar hero](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/guitar-hero/)
- [blog award](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blog-award/)
- [Kreativ Blogger](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/kreativ-blogger/)
- [Friday confessional](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/friday-confessional/)
- [BB gun](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bb-gun/)
- [A Christmas Story](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/a-christmas-story/)
- [dancing matt](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dancing-matt/)
- [stride gum](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/stride-gum/)
- [blogging award](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogging-award/)
- [fabulous blog](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fabulous-blog/)
- [measure up award](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/measure-up-award/)
- [Bret Michaels](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bret-michaels/)
- [measures of success](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/measures-of-success/)
- [wal-mart](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/wal-mart/)
- [cocaine](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cocaine/)
- [droopy dog](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/droopy-dog/)
- [bee](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bee/)
- [katy perry](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/katy-perry/)
- [kissed a girl](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/kissed-a-girl/)
- [confession](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/confession/)
- [wooderson](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/wooderson/)
- [seven random things](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/seven-random-things/)
- [stage fright](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/stage-fright/)
- [urinal](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/urinal/)
- [niagara falls](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/niagara-falls/)
- [austria](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/austria/)
- [avitable](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/avitable/)
- [rule against perpetuities](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rule-against-perpetuities/)
- [secret santa](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/secret-santa/)
- [gifts](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gifts/)
- [christmas](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/christmas/)
- [bad idea jeans](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bad-idea-jeans/)
- [backstreet atlanta](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/backstreet-atlanta/)
- [gay bar](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gay-bar/)
- [drag show](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/drag-show/)
- [confess](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/confess/)
- [AC/DC](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/acdc/)
- [OIF](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/oif/)
- [sunglasses](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sunglasses/)
- [magic](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/magic/)
- [war story](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/war-story/)
- [misspellings](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/misspellings/)
- [bbq](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bbq/)
- [award](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/award/)
- [giant johnson](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/giant-johnson/)
- [megasoreass](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/megasoreass/)
- [hemorrhoid](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hemorrhoid/)
- [the penguin](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-penguin/)
- [new year's eve](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/new-years-eve/)
- [how i met your mother](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/how-i-met-your-mother/)
- [highlander](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/highlander/)
- [party](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/party/)
- [poppin fresh](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/poppin-fresh/)
- [whistle tips](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/whistle-tips/)
- [mobile leprechaun](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mobile-leprechaun/)
- [bubb rubb and lil sis](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bubb-rubb-and-lil-sis/)
- [craigslist scammer](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/craigslist-scammer/)
- [dr joseph williams](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dr-joseph-williams/)
- [year in review](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/year-in-review/)
- [BMX](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bmx/)
- [bike track](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bike-track/)
- [LeSabre](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lesabre/)
- [digger](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/digger/)
- [the figurehead](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-figurehead/)
- [drakes creek](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/drakes-creek/)
- [war face](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/war-face/)
- [ptsd](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ptsd/)
- [officer](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/officer/)
- [snuggie](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/snuggie/)
- [mantuary](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mantuary/)
- [dogs](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dogs/)
- [helmets](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/helmets/)
- [overprotective](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/overprotective/)
- [parenting](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/parenting/)
- [conversations with dogs](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/conversations-with-dogs/)
- [drinking alone](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/drinking-alone/)
- [issues](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/issues/)
- [winnie the dog](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/winnie-the-dog/)
- [siren](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/siren/)
- [idiot girl in action](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/idiot-girl-in-action/)
- [lust](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lust/)
- [michael jackson](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/michael-jackson/)
- [pictures](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pictures/)
- [perspective](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/perspective/)
- [lens](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lens/)
- [ken doll](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ken-doll/)
- [honda minivan](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/honda-minivan/)
- [odyssey](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/odyssey/)
- [childrens' helmets](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/childrens-helmets/)
- [plastic](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/plastic/)
- [stormtroopers](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/stormtroopers/)
- [eating crow](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/eating-crow/)
- [ex husband](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ex-husband/)
- [adultery](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/adultery/)
- [rape](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rape/)
- [in poor taste](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/in-poor-taste/)
- [attorney](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/attorney/)
- [I swear I can't make this stuff up](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/i-swear-i-cant-make-this-stuff-up/)
- [facebook](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/facebook/)
- [memes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/memes/)
- [britney spears](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/britney-spears/)
- [rome](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rome/)
- [lost](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lost/)
- [overheard](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/overheard/)
- [from the mouths of babes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/from-the-mouths-of-babes/)
- [going solo](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/going-solo/)
- [hanging a shingle](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hanging-a-shingle/)
- [gutsiest move i ever saw](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gutsiest-move-i-ever-saw/)
- [east tennessee](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/east-tennessee/)
- [the south](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-south/)
- [toilet paper](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/toilet-paper/)
- [shysters](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/shysters/)
- [illiterate barrister](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/illiterate-barrister/)
- [kool aid](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/kool-aid/)
- [fraternity prank](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fraternity-prank/)
- [pissed in your kool-aid](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pissed-in-your-kool-aid/)
- [swimming stool](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/swimming-stool/)
- [pooping in pools](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pooping-in-pools/)
- [inappropriate pool behavior](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/inappropriate-pool-behavior/)
- [sewer bass](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sewer-bass/)
- [muskrat law firm](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/muskrat-law-firm/)
- [advertising](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/advertising/)
- [piss in kool aid](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/piss-in-kool-aid/)
- [crap in pool](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/crap-in-pool/)
- [dirty dancing](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dirty-dancing/)
- [baby in the corner](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/baby-in-the-corner/)
- [upper decker](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/upper-decker/)
- [grammar errors](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/grammar-errors/)
- [mating dogs](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mating-dogs/)
- [locked dogs](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/locked-dogs/)
- [awful noise](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/awful-noise/)
- [family feuds](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/family-feuds/)
- [my twisted childhood](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/my-twisted-childhood/)
- [a free man](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/a-free-man/)
- [the nemesing one](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-nemesing-one/)
- [final respects](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/final-respects/)
- [last day of work](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/last-day-of-work/)
- [changing jobs](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/changing-jobs/)
- [twipply skwood](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/twipply-skwood/)
- [shitter's full](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/shitters-full/)
- [new job](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/new-job/)
- [blogiversary](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogiversary/)
- [jury duty](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/jury-duty/)
- [getting out of jury duty](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/getting-out-of-jury-duty/)
- [miss britt](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/miss-britt/)
- [meet a blogger in person](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/meet-a-blogger-in-person/)
- [family travels](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/family-travels/)
- [inappropriate behavior](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/inappropriate-behavior/)
- [offending the locals](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/offending-the-locals/)
- [father's day](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fathers-day/)
- [cookies](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cookies/)
- [church punk mom](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/church-punk-mom/)
- [childrens parties](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/childrens-parties/)
- [how to lose friends and offend people](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/how-to-lose-friends-and-offend-people/)
- [blogher](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogher/)
- [animals](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/animals/)
- [black people](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/black-people/)
- [BHJ](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bhj/)
- [bloggers in real life](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bloggers-in-real-life/)
- [marijuana](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/marijuana/)
- [child rearing](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/child-rearing/)
- [las vegas](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/las-vegas/)
- [loin cloths](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/loin-cloths/)
- [space travel](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/space-travel/)
- [shit i couldn't make up if i tried](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/shit-i-couldnt-make-up-if-i-tried/)
- [shitty childrens stories](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/shitty-childrens-stories/)
- [i'm that dad you won't let your kids around](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/im-that-dad-you-wont-let-your-kids-around/)
- [please don't grow up to work at the cheetah](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/please-dont-grow-up-to-work-at-the-cheetah/)
- [facebook friends](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/facebook-friends/)
- [social media](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/social-media/)
- [i am the best neighbor ever](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/i-am-the-best-neighbor-ever/)
- [not ready for parenting a daughter](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/not-ready-for-parenting-a-daughter/)
- [asshole drivers](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/asshole-drivers/)
- [september 11th](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/september-11th/)
- [atlanta flood](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/atlanta-flood/)
- [maine](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/maine/)
- [always home and uncool](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/always-home-and-uncool/)
- [cure jm](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cure-jm/)
- [october 2](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/october-2/)
- [moxie doll](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/moxie-doll/)
- [product review](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/product-review/)
- [snappy answers to inappropriate questions](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/snappy-answers-to-inappropriate-questions/)
- [blue horses from france make bad toys](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blue-horses-from-france-make-bad-toys/)
- [new baby](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/new-baby/)
- [depositions](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/depositions/)
- [ED](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ed/)
- [cancer](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cancer/)
- [2009 highlights](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2009-highlights/)
- [visit from a general](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/visit-from-a-general/)
- [costa rica](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/costa-rica/)
- [babymoon](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/babymoon/)
- [twitter meetup](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/twitter-meetup/)
- [mardi gras](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mardi-gras/)
- [mother](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mother/)
- [artistic children](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/artistic-children/)
- [children's art](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/childrens-art/)
- [bath time](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bath-time/)
- [spread some cheer](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/spread-some-cheer/)
- [help wanted](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/help-wanted/)
- [food](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/food/)
- [corn issues](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/corn-issues/)
- [take your son to work](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/take-your-son-to-work/)
- [daddy blogging](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/daddy-blogging/)
- [how i started my firm](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/how-i-started-my-firm/)
- [david gray concert](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/david-gray-concert/)
- [toll roads](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/toll-roads/)
- [retardation](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/retardation/)
- [children singing](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/children-singing/)
- [child cinematography](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/child-cinematography/)
- [GI issues](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gi-issues/)
- [courtroom drama](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/courtroom-drama/)
- [robert frost](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/robert-frost/)
- [pole dancing](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pole-dancing/)
- [18-34 bracket](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/18-34-bracket/)
- [dad](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dad/)
- [vasectomy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/vasectomy/)
- [hawaii](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hawaii/)
- [florida](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/florida/)
- [blogher 2010](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogher-2010/)
- [new york city](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/new-york-city/)
- [tutus for tanner](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/tutus-for-tanner/)
- [portland](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/portland/)
- [profanity](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/profanity/)
- [i can't park for shit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/i-cant-park-for-shit/)
- [housing market](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/housing-market/)
- [moving](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/moving/)
- [mice](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mice/)
- [adversaries](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/adversaries/)
- [opposing counsel](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/opposing-counsel/)
- [m3 summit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/m3-summit/)
- [daddy bloggers](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/daddy-bloggers/)
- [quotes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/quotes/)
- [my life outside of blogging--a portion of it anyway](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/my-life-outside-of-blogging-a-portion-of-it-anyway/)
- [the boy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-boy/)
- [birthdays](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/birthdays/)
- [urban dictionary](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/urban-dictionary/)
- [excuse the sexy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/excuse-the-sexy/)
- [charleston south carolina](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/charleston-south-carolina/)
- [folly beach](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/folly-beach/)
- [middleton place](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/middleton-place/)
- [wordless wednesday](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/wordless-wednesday/)
- [Houston](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/houston/)
- [Texas](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/texas/)
- [air travel](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/air-travel/)
- [iraq deployment](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/iraq-deployment/)
- [real estate fail](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/real-estate-fail/)
- [car trouble](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/car-trouble/)
- [merry christmas](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/merry-christmas/)
- [new years resolutions](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/new-years-resolutions/)
- [out of the mouths of babes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/out-of-the-mouths-of-babes/)
- [maddie](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/maddie/)
- [kids are full of shit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/kids-are-full-of-shit/)
- [liars and thieves](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/liars-and-thieves/)
- [mardi gras 2011](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mardi-gras-2011/)
- [new orleans](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/new-orleans/)
- [professional conferences](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/professional-conferences/)
- [public schools](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/public-schools/)
- [pee pee tee pees](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pee-pee-tee-pees/)
- [lawyering ain't easy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lawyering-aint-easy/)
- [learning to be cynical](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/learning-to-be-cynical/)
- [mom 2.0 summit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mom-2-0-summit/)
- [easter](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/easter/)
- [earth day](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/earth-day/)
- [talking bout my generation](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/talking-bout-my-generation/)
- [fathers day 2011](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/fathers-day-2011/)
- [ghost hunting](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ghost-hunting/)
- [babies on phones](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/babies-on-phones/)
- [first words](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/first-words/)
- [mr mom](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mr-mom/)
- [house hunting](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/house-hunting/)
- [the 80s](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-80s/)
- [yacht rock](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/yacht-rock/)
- [birthday parties](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/birthday-parties/)
- [movember](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/movember/)
- [operation eleanor](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/operation-eleanor/)
- [honourable husband](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/honourable-husband/)
- [meeting bloggers in person](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/meeting-bloggers-in-person/)
- [cancer can bite my ass](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cancer-can-bite-my-ass/)
- [parties and bullshit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/parties-and-bullshit/)
- [don't you wish your mustache were hot like mine?](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dont-you-wish-your-mustache-were-hot-like-mine/)
- [Chili's restaurant](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/chilis-restaurant/)
- [Olive Garden restaurant](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/olive-garden-restaurant/)
- [civil war](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/civil-war/)
- [general burnside](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/general-burnside/)
- [global poverty](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/global-poverty/)
- [buying a house](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/buying-a-house/)
- [norelco dads](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/norelco-dads/)
- [philips norelco](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/philips-norelco/)
- [atlanta child trafficking](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/atlanta-child-trafficking/)
- [2011 recap](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2011-recap/)
- [donkey punch](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/donkey-punch/)
- [childrens pictures](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/childrens-pictures/)
- [holidays](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/holidays/)
- [solo daddying](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/solo-daddying/)
- [dad 2.0 summit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dad-2-0-summit/)
- [atlanta meetup](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/atlanta-meetup/)
- [mardi gras 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mardi-gras-2012/)
- [operation iraqi freedom](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/operation-iraqi-freedom/)
- [friends from war](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/friends-from-war/)
- [battle buddies](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/battle-buddies/)
- [dad 2.0 blogging conference](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dad-2-0-blogging-conference/)
- [south by southwest 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/south-by-southwest-2012/)
- [austin](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/austin/)
- [blogging conferences](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogging-conferences/)
- [sxsw](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sxsw/)
- [austin texas](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/austin-texas/)
- [the tabernacle atlanta](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-tabernacle-atlanta/)
- [mutemath odd soul tour](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mutemath-odd-soul-tour/)
- [the dentist](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-dentist/)
- [blogging memes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogging-memes/)
- [spring break 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/spring-break-2012/)
- [buffalo bill](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/buffalo-bill/)
- [silence of the lambs](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/silence-of-the-lambs/)
- [bidet review](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bidet-review/)
- [maryland](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/maryland/)
- [shot@life](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/shotlife/)
- [georgia aquarium](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/georgia-aquarium/)
- [parent teacher conferences](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/parent-teacher-conferences/)
- [atlanta book tour](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/atlanta-book-tour/)
- [jenny the bloggess](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/jenny-the-bloggess/)
- [running with the bulls](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/running-with-the-bulls/)
- [pamplona](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pamplona/)
- [spain](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/spain/)
- [pamplona spain](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pamplona-spain/)
- [training video](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/training-video/)
- [colorado fires](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/colorado-fires/)
- [wilco](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/wilco/)
- [dr dog](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dr-dog/)
- [red rocks amphitheatre](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/red-rocks-amphitheatre/)
- [san fermin](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/san-fermin/)
- [running with the bulls in pamplona](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/running-with-the-bulls-in-pamplona/)
- [encierro](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/encierro/)
- [solitude](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/solitude/)
- [home alone 1](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/home-alone-1/)
- [US Space and Rocket Center](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/us-space-and-rocket-center/)
- [Huntsville Alabama](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/huntsville-alabama/)
- [hartford connecticut](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hartford-connecticut/)
- [portsmouth new hampshire](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/portsmouth-new-hampshire/)
- [woodstock](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/woodstock/)
- [white river junction](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/white-river-junction/)
- [vermont](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/vermont/)
- [providence](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/providence/)
- [rhode island](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rhode-island/)
- [blogher 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogher-2012/)
- [karaoke in nyc](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/karaoke-in-nyc/)
- [death of a client](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/death-of-a-client/)
- [first grade](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/first-grade/)
- [health issues](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/health-issues/)
- [allergies](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/allergies/)
- [house](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/house/)
- [alabama michigan game](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/alabama-michigan-game/)
- [cowboy classic](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cowboy-classic/)
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- [ft worth texas](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ft-worth-texas/)
- [atlanta zoo](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/atlanta-zoo/)
- [dancing babies](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dancing-babies/)
- [philadelphia](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/philadelphia/)
- [pa](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pa/)
- [st simons island](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/st-simons-island/)
- [CLE](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cle/)
- [halloween party 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/halloween-party-2012/)
- [halloween 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/halloween-2012/)
- [veterans day 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/veterans-day-2012/)
- [paranormal activity](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/paranormal-activity/)
- [paranormal investigation](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/paranormal-investigation/)
- [old south pittsburg hospital](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/old-south-pittsburg-hospital/)
- [colorado](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/colorado/)
- [gone mustache gone](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/gone-mustache-gone/)
- [bullying](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bullying/)
- [christmas 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/christmas-2012/)
- [christmas lights and music](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/christmas-lights-and-music/)
- [whiskey advent calendar](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/whiskey-advent-calendar/)
- [grammar lesson](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/grammar-lesson/)
- [edition v addition](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/edition-v-addition/)
- [willie nelson concert](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/willie-nelson-concert/)
- [dad 2.013](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dad-2-013/)
- [bourbon](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bourbon/)
- [dad blogging](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dad-blogging/)
- [mardi gras 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mardi-gras-2013/)
- [car jacking](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/car-jacking/)
- [atlanta crime](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/atlanta-crime/)
- [1980s nostalgia](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/1980s-nostalgia/)
- [the dukes of hazzard](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-dukes-of-hazzard/)
- [bon jovi](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bon-jovi/)
- [the house](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-house/)
- [the money pit](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-money-pit/)
- [2 year olds should not advise on penis maintenance](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2-year-olds-should-not-advise-on-penis-maintenance/)
- [spring break 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/spring-break-2013/)
- [Washington DC](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/washington-dc/)
- [baby lola](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/baby-lola/)
- [3](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/3/)
- [terrible threes](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/terrible-threes/)
- [craftiness](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/craftiness/)
- [mike adamick](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mike-adamick/)
- [dad's book of awesome projects](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dads-book-of-awesome-projects/)
- [delta toilet](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/delta-toilet/)
- [38](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/38/)
- [the end of google reader](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-end-of-google-reader/)
- [feedly](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/feedly/)
- [blogher 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogher-2013/)
- [blogher ads](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/blogher-ads/)
- [tennessee](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/tennessee/)
- [the lion king](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-lion-king/)
- [hall and oates](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hall-and-oates/)
- [smashing pumpkins](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/smashing-pumpkins/)
- [weddings](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/weddings/)
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- [7](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/7/)
- [yacht rock revue](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/yacht-rock-revue/)
- [cooper tire](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cooper-tire/)
- [johnny unser](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/johnny-unser/)
- [sandestin florida](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sandestin-florida/)
- [guntersville alabama](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/guntersville-alabama/)
- [franklin tennessee](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/franklin-tennessee/)
- [dragcon](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dragcon/)
- [shane's wedding](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/shanes-wedding/)
- [electrical work](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/electrical-work/)
- [handy man](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/handy-man/)
- [Nest thermostat](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/nest-thermostat/)
- [home improvement](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/home-improvement/)
- [2014 toyota tundra](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2014-toyota-tundra/)
- [2014 toyota 4runner](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2014-toyota-4runner/)
- [barnsley resort](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/barnsley-resort/)
- [georgia](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/georgia/)
- [owen](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/owen/)
- [pirates](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/pirates/)
- [barcelona spain](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/barcelona-spain/)
- [bull fighting](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bull-fighting/)
- [san fermin festival 2012](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/san-fermin-festival-2012/)
- [hotel 1898](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hotel-1898/)
- [hotel maisonnave](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hotel-maisonnave/)
- [opium club](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/opium-club/)
- [amsterdam](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/amsterdam/)
- [the netherlands](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-netherlands/)
- [weed](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/weed/)
- [oktoberfest 2013](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/oktoberfest-2013/)
- [munich germany](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/munich-germany/)
- [lionel richie](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lionel-richie/)
- [chastain](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/chastain/)
- [type a parent conference](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/type-a-parent-conference/)
- [apple picking](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/apple-picking/)
- [BJ Reece Orchards](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bj-reece-orchards/)
- [Ellijay Georgia](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ellijay-georgia/)
- [Big D's bbq](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/big-ds-bbq/)
- [Groupon](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/groupon/)
- [hawks cay](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hawks-cay/)
- [florida keys](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/florida-keys/)
- [duck key](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/duck-key/)
- [the sound of music](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-sound-of-music/)
- [funerals](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/funerals/)
- [high school reunion](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/high-school-reunion/)
- [states i've visited](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/states-ive-visited/)
- [2014 sugar bowl](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2014-sugar-bowl/)
- [SEC football](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sec-football/)
- [Paul Theroux](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/paul-theroux/)
- [The Atlantic](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/the-atlantic/)
- [Dove Men + Care](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dove-men-care/)
- [Rosarito Beach](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/rosarito-beach/)
- [San Diego](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/san-diego/)
- [Top Gun](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/top-gun/)
- [snow storm 2014](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/snow-storm-2014/)
- [snowpocalypse](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/snowpocalypse/)
- [snowmageddon](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/snowmageddon/)
- [freezenick](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/freezenick/)
- [6](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/6/)
- [sharpies](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sharpies/)
- [lake martin](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lake-martin/)
- [will smith](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/will-smith/)
- [just the two of us](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/just-the-two-of-us/)
- [37](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/37/)
- [air conditioner](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/air-conditioner/)
- [hvac](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/hvac/)
- [teachers](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/teachers/)
- [going away party](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/going-away-party/)
- [2](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2/)
- [lola](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/lola/)
- [little brother](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/little-brother/)
- [baltimore](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/baltimore/)
- [volt](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/volt/)
- [dadcentric](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/dadcentric/)
- [jeopardy](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/jeopardy/)
- [2011](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2011/)
- [2014 Dad 2.0 conference](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/2014-dad-2-0-conference/)
- [Chick-fil-A](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/chick-fil-a/)
- [daddy daughter dance](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/daddy-daughter-dance/)
- [mardi gras 2014](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/mardi-gras-2014/)
- [jose cuervo tequila](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/jose-cuervo-tequila/)
- [history in a bottle](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/history-in-a-bottle/)
- [cuervo story](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/cuervo-story/)
- [tequila](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/tequila/)
- [bama football](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/bama-football/)
- [UBL](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/ubl/)
- [OBL](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/obl/)
- [Sept 11](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/sept-11/)
- [Baby](http://fathermuskrat.com/tag/baby/)
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