Family

telling it like it is

This afternoon, I had to go straight from picking up Maddie at preschool to a meeting with a prospective new realtor.  Pretty Bride showed up separately, and we sat around a large glass conference table on Herman Miller Aeron chairs while waiting for the realtor and his associate to enter.

The dude walked in, saw Maddie, and offered her some children’s books to look over, along with a candy cane, while his associate began flipping through a 3-ring binder full of laminated pages telling us all the ways they were going to be different from the other 3 realtors who had come and gone from our lives over the past 4+ years.

Maddie interrupted from the opposite end of the oval table:

Maddie:  You need to help us move into a bigger house!
Realtor:  Well, we certainly plan…
Maddie:  My little sister, Lola, sleeps in Mommy and Daddy’s closet, and she can’t stay in there forever.  She needs another room!
Realor:  Oh my…
Maddie:  And Owen–he keeps DESTROYING our house which keeps anyone from wanting to buy it because it’s SO MESSY!
Realor:  Well–
Maddie:  So get us a BIGGER HOUSE AS SOON AS YOU CAN, OKAY?

So that was a good ice-breaker.

After bath time, I started getting her and her little brother ready for bed in the room they share.  Right before I left the room, this came out of her mouth:

Maddie:  So, do you think that man will help us, or is he a CUNT?
Me:  What did you say he was?
Maddie:  A cunch.  Or a cunt!
Me:  Where in the heck did you hear that word?  You really shouldn’t say that…
Maddie:  Willa.
Me:  You mean the girl who lives in our garage in the back of Mommy’s van?
Maddie:  Yes.  Willa says ‘cunt’ all the time!
Me:  Maddie, didn’t we discuss the fact that Willa is really an imaginary friend?
Maddie:  Yes.  But she still says ‘cunt.’
Me:  Well, next time she says that, I think you need to wash her mouth out with soap, so that you don’t keep repeating it, ok?
Maddie:  Okay, Daddy.
Me:  Okay, then.  Good night.
Maddie:  Daddy?
Me:  Yeah?
Maddie:  What does ‘cunt’ mean?
Me:  Tell you what– when you come into our room at 6am like you do every morning, and you walk up to my side of the bed to see if we’re up yet, go to Mommy’s side instead and ask her what it means, ok?
Maddie:  Okay.

I can’t wait to see how this goes.

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28 Comments

  1. OMG…I’m *gasp* trying not to *gasp gasp* laugh, but you are gonna be really sorry when wifey wakes up to that and you get a black eye!!

    From the mouths of babes..

    But I gotta know, did you pick that realtor? After all he does know about kids sleeping in closest and your destroyed home..

  2. Oh, you are such an evil cunt.

    And Aeron chairs are my favorite. I need a new one.

    • @avitable, I’m sitting on one right now. They’re on craigslist for 1/2 price these days because of all the failed businesses everywhere. Mine used to belong to a stockbroker!

  3. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    Seriously. Thanks for the belly laugh!
    Awesome.

  4. OH my GOD. I’m so thankful my children are not the only children who say bad words! The other day my 5 year old accidentally on purpose hit me. I said: “Jesus Christ that hurt!” Then I said, “Sorry for saying a bad word.” And he said, “You didn’t say fuck, mommy.” Ah. Okay! But really, hearing my 2 year old say fuck is actually kind of cute. Now please never tell anyone I told you this! I of COURSE tell my kids that swearing is BAD and that they should never, ever say these words!

  5. Have you seen Mike Hunt? Is there a Mike Hunt here? Come on, I’m looking for Mike Hunt… how hard can it be to find Mike Hunt?

  6. mmmhuuaaawwaa haa haaa!!

  7. I can’t help but think that the negotiations would have gone better if Maddie handled them herself. Next time just drop her off and tell her to catch a cab home when she has the keys to your new place.

    Also, it would be unethical of me to suggest that you insure your current place to the max and then take the family on a brief alibi-providing vacation while it burns to the ground in your absence, which is why I’m not even going to bring it up.

    • @grant, If you ever get a cryptic email referencing a tree with a bunch of cash buried next to it, along with an address and instructions to burn the home at said address, I didn’t sent it.

  8. At least she used it in the correct context. That’s not gonna mean much when she yells it out in church, though.

  9. I need to get an imaginary friend I can start blaming stuff on. That’s freaking brilliant.

  10. That’s fabulous. Her imaginary friend says ‘cunt’, mine says ‘don’t you think you’re getting a little doughy?’

    Hers is a keeper.

  11. Clearly, you need to put Maddie in charge of all family negotiations. Especially if you have a realtor who ends up being a cunt about stuff.

  12. I’m no prude, but I gasped and put my hand over my mouth when I read “the word”. My 5YO recently told me he can’t see PG13 movies because of bad words like, “stupid, shut-up, idiot… and fuc#ing cow”.

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