We’ve been trying to eat healthier the past couple of months. Joined a local organic farm CSA and everything. However, when the neighbors came over with brats and chorizo for the grill to join our free range chicken on Memorial Day, I agreed. And when the Mrs. cooked a dozen chocolate chip cookies, I found myself powerless to have fewer than 10.
Tuesday I didn’t feel so well, but I had a trial to get ready for, so I powered through.
Today was worse.
After emptying my bowels numerous times of the noxious fluid that audibly tormented me all morning, I rooted around in my briefcase and found a plastic container of Pepto pills. I think I bought them when I worked for IBM in 1997. I needed advice, and quickly. I turned to Twitter:
I assume it’s fine to take Pepto that expired in 2004, right? This is an emergency. about 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
And by “emergency” I mean “I may shit myself in court.” about 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
And you responded. With wisdom:
habanerogal @themuskrat GO FOR IT about 8 hours ago via web
_pixie_@themuskrat If you take the Pepto you may shit yourself anyway.
franklazaro @themuskrat It is either going to work or just exacerbate the problem. Not bad odds considering the alternative
daysgoby@themuskrat Shitting in court sounds awful. Hoping Pinky comes through.
tessasdad @themuskrat It’s the 2 minute warning and you need a hail mary. Gotta take those pills my friend.
I elected to go for it:
And again, you responded with your supportive tweets:
I’m sorry for your situation. Truly. Bc of it I’m about to pee my pants in the bakery as I laugh @ each update.
habanerogal @themuskrat Thanks Muskrat now that stupid Thundercats theme will be going through my head all day would rather have the gut grief
mrschaos @themuskrat You might just win your case that way…(I hope you feel better, though!)
But the pills didn’t help. So I stood in front of the Honorable Judge Thomas with my ass clinched together like I was trying to turn coal into diamonds, praying that Andrew Clark
would try to impress his wrestling buddies by taping my buns together. No dice.
I thought of that old expression, “Is a frog’s ass water tight?” and I decided I would be the frog.
During my direct examination of my client, my lips asked the questions I’d outlined, but in my head, I was the frog.
During my cross examination of the adjuster, I continued to concentrate on being Kermit. MUST. NOT. LEAK.
During my cross examination of the insurance company’s eye witness, I was all:
“Frog! I am the frog! Please don’t SHIT YOURSELF, MR. FROG!”
During the other guy’s directs and crosses, I sat in my chair and willed my asshole to stay shut.
And I made it through the hearing without shitting myself.
And that? That has made all the difference.