05.24hell, just call me ishmael
Dear black professionals,
White people get annoyed when black people add titles before last names where said titles aren’t necessary and normally aren’t used.
I can see calling your doctor “Doctor Jones.”
I can see calling your preacher “Pastor Bob” or “Brother Bob” or “Rabbi Bob” or “Child Molesting Bob.”
But lawyers?
Why is it that when I call Tyrone Smith, Esq.’s office, his assistant responds with “Attorney Smith is away from the phone right now…would you like Attorney Smith’s voicemail?” Do you think my receptionist says that shit? Fuck no, she doesn’t!
And how come my black clients are all “Attorney Muskrat, what is our court date?” or “Attorney Muskrat, when will my check be coming?” and “Attorney Muskrat, do you think Attorney Fullofshit will ask about my marijuana arrest when he does his cross?” Do they think I feel respected? I don’t feel respected. I feel like I’m wasting time with each extraneous syllable. Time that your ass is paying for, Holmes.
Stop it. Just call me by my first name like a normal person.
Unless you’re daring enough to stand on my conference table and exclaim, “Oh lawyer, my lawyer!”
That’d actually be pretty cool.
AMEN !
(I am available, for a small fee, to stand behind you as you speak, nod my head and say that repeatedly.)
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Between a laugh and a tear ….. =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 24th, 2010 at 10:15 PM
@kim, That would be awesome…and, just what I need to take my practice to the next level.
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May 24th, 2010 at 10:12 PM
Though I do think “Judge Muskrat” has a nice ring to it.
Wait… is “Muskrat” your first name or your last name?
Personally, I still prefer being called “Your Lordship Dave” when I am referred to, but that’s just me.
.-= Dave2´s last blog ..Chug =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 7:58 AM
@dave2, I agree re: “Judge”! And I will gladly start using “Your Lordship” the next time I see you.
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May 24th, 2010 at 10:59 PM
I want to be addressed as Database Administrator Grant.
.-= Grant´s last blog ..Medical Fun, Part the Latest =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 7:59 AM
@Grant, No, that’s lame. How about Casanova Grant?
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May 24th, 2010 at 11:47 PM
I was thrown off by being called “Miss Theresa” (when I wasn’t in the hospital being referred to as “Dr. B.”) during my 12 months of exile in Louisiana. Now you’re telling me that everyone doesn’t get a title all the time in the South? I’m completely confused.
.-= Theresa B.´s last blog ..Yet Another Reason To Love Woodland =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 8:00 AM
@Theresa, I think it’s a little pretentious. Wait til I wrote about using honorary doctorates as an excuse to go by “doctor.”
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May 25th, 2010 at 12:15 AM
Now, ‘Scrat. I know little about BEV, or Black English Vernacular. (That’s a controversial term, I understand).
But it occurs to me that a white guy like you might decode the use of a first-name a little differently from the way a black man might.
You look upon using a first name as a friendly gesture. Something which makes you less intimidating and more supportive. It puts everyone on an equal footing.
But it wasn’t so long ago that white folks addressed African Americans by their first name–especially when they were servants–but expected a Mr., Mrs. or Miss in return. Watch Episode 1, Scene 1 of Mad Men.
I was only a child in the 1960s, but I recall it vividly.
To you, first names signal equality and informality. To others, in a professional setting, they might signal condescension.
Yes, to a white ear, BEV may overuse honorifics. But maybe there’s a cultural explanation we could seek to understand.
What does it mean when someone rejects your offer to call you by your first name? Are they rejecting your offer of friendship? Does it mean they look on your help as just doing your job, rather than supporting their cause? You may decode this sign of respect as distance, even distrust. Why does it annoy you so?
Maybe–sit tight, this could hurt a little–such differences signal to a white American that the great melting pot hasn’t quite pureed us into total cultural harmony? A harmony which clings to the melody of white middle class values…
A few extra syllables is no skin off your nose, ‘Scrat. “Attorney Muskrat” is nice and respectful of all concerned. And it’s not sexist, either, unlike many titles we adopt. Enjoy it.
With love and respect,
HB8
P.S. My boss has just become an honorary consul. The government of the country he represents sends letters addressed to “Your Excellency”. We remind him that only an ambassador can be called an Excellency. Therefore, we have taken to addressing him as Your Very Goodness
.-= headbang8´s last blog ..Photo Friday: Symbols =-.
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 8:01 AM
@HB8, You wait all week for a chance to be a dick to me in my comments, don’t you? DON’T YOU!!!! I knew it.
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headbang8 Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 2:07 PM
Dick you? Be still, my beating heart…
.-= headbang8´s last blog ..Photo Friday: Symbols =-.
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May 25th, 2010 at 2:37 AM
What about just “Asshole Muskrat”? Would that work?
.-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..High/Low =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 8:02 AM
@scifi dad, Yes, but that title is typically reserved for opposing counsel.
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May 25th, 2010 at 5:48 AM
You’re going to BlogHer, right?
Because I am SOOOOO going to jump on a table at some point and say “Oh lawyer, my lawyer!”
You won’t know when… but some time…
.-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..The easy joke is about how my marriage relates to inestinal bacteria. =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 8:32 AM
@miss britt, Awesome. We’ll pick the most exclusive restaurant in Manhattan.
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May 25th, 2010 at 8:05 AM
I just want people to put a “The” in front of my name. “Thank you, The Avitable.”
.-= Avitable´s last blog ..On Television Finales (May Contain Spoilers) =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 8:33 AM
@Avitable, I’d prefer “the muskrat” to “attorney muskrat” any day.
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May 25th, 2010 at 8:25 AM
When I used to volunteer at a mostly Spanish-speaking inner city educational center, the kids named me “Blanca Becky” which is funny because, come on, like there are any Latina Beckys around anywhere. Kind of redundant, kids.
.-= Steam Me Up Kid´s last blog ..Killing yourself slowly in creative ways for attention =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 7:38 AM
@steam me up, Kids are dumb like that.
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May 25th, 2010 at 9:23 AM
Please try to get Ethan Hawke to do the, “Oh Lawyer, My Lawyer” bit on your conference table. I’d pay big bucks to see that!
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muskrat Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 7:38 AM
@semky, I’ll call you as soon as it happens, buddy.
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May 25th, 2010 at 12:27 PM
I was going to say something horribly offensive but at the same time extremely funny, but then I read the comment from Headbang8 and decided it wasn’t appropriate. Sorry dude.
Considering I have three aliases and have no idea what my title is anymore I’m happy if people can call my by my first name, which is confusing too.
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muskrat Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 7:39 AM
@jen, Oh, ignore headbang8! Say away!
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May 25th, 2010 at 1:24 PM
I don’t really know HB8, but I dig what he said. If he’s a dick, he’s a smart one!
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Be Cool =-.
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muskrat Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 7:39 AM
@Chris, I suppose. But don’t tell him I said as much.
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May 25th, 2010 at 1:53 PM
Attorney Muskrat, when *is* my check coming?
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muskrat Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 7:40 AM
@countessa, Tomorrow.
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May 25th, 2010 at 2:05 PM
Remember that old blog you had, that sucked. This one, much better.
.-= acorn king´s last blog ..Betty-Betty White Y’all =-.
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Muskrat Reply:
June 2nd, 2010 at 6:59 PM
@acorn king, You still blog?
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May 30th, 2010 at 12:20 AM
I’d have to agree with Semky…
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Muskrat Reply:
June 2nd, 2010 at 6:59 PM
@vanilla north, Semky does a lot of meth, you know.
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June 2nd, 2010 at 1:29 PM