Rants

to the prefacers and forwarders, eatadick

To the folks who start blog entries or forwarded emails with, “This is long but worth the read” or “I apologize in advance for the length of this post,” I have a simple request of you:  eat a dick.  We’re smart enough to know within half a second that a post is long.  All it takes is a quick glance.  We can also determine for ourselves if it’s “worth it,” a “good read,” or even better, “well worth it.”  Don’t feed us your crap opinion as a prelude to someone else’s crap opinion.

Come to think of it, do you really have to give us a preface at all?  Does it make you feel good about yourself to show that you’ve already read something we ignorant masses have not?  How does “Amen!” at the top of some rant you’ve copied and pasted from www.townhall.com contribute to the cultivation of my intellect?  Oh yeah, it doesn’t.

My aunt sent me an email today saying Obama isn’t eligible to run for President, put in a preface at the top saying, “Since you’re a lawyer, I really wanted to get your opinion on this…,” and then CC’d 97 other people.  I hit “reply all” and responded with a link to the snopes article declaring the story to be bullshit.  Then I advised her not to believe anything that presents itself as fact with a subject line full of “Fwd” nomenclature.  As in “Fwd:  Fwd:  Fwd:  Biden blows goats! CNN has pictures!” for example.  I know the “reply all” trick is a dick move, but so is wasting someone’s time who bills by the tenth of an hour all day.

Consider this a lesson in time management and economy of effort.  I’m here to help.  Really.

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  1. I’d just like to begin by first saying that not all prefaces are irritating. Take this one for example. Having said that, please read my entire post, it will really be worth your while. That’s about it. Thank you for the lesson, with which I agree entirely almost.

  2. Ugh. I HATE email forwarders. And yes, it may be a “dick” move, but I hit reply all and flame the BS, too. Particularly when the email is blatantly false partisan crap. For either side of the table, I might add. It just chaps my ass. As does any email that ends with “…forward this email on to eight friends RIGHT now or….” Bite my ass.

  3. You hit the nail on the head….I respond with every bunk e-mail with a snopes.com link. I’m not sure what is more valuable—The bible, wikipedia, or snopes.com

  4. punkrockdaddy

    HELLLS YES! I am going to forward this post to my entire email address book….kidding.

  5. I apologize in advance for the length of this reply, but I think you totally hit the preverbal nail right on the noodle.

    I also don’t like people who forward those emails saying if you don’t forward this email to at least 20 of your friends, you will be bludgeoned to death by a huge ceramic penis. I apologize for the slightly obscure ‘Clockwork Orange’ reference, I also would like to apologize for my absolute abuse of non-sequiturs.

    Did you ever notice that Sarah Palin looks like a wooden ventriloquist puppet? Whenever she speaks I keep looking for the drawn lines on her jaw and the hand up her ass. I’m pretty sure she’s just a ‘weapon of mass distraction.’ Speaking of distractions…I think I see a shiny object, so now I must go. Once again, sorry this is long.

  6. I’ve done the ‘Reply All’ thing many times. I always feel a quick squirt of guilt for shaming my naive acquaintances, but it quickly dissolves in my spreading pool of annoyance. I like when they send me a sheepish personal apology email, even better when they call their own BS in a reply all message.

  7. Amen! People have pretty much stopped forwarding me that crap. I suppose it’s because of my winning personality.

    I also hate it when people start posts with “This is too good not to post.” This is their way of excusing copying & pasting some stupid poem or joke or Youtube clip I’ve seen a hundred times before.

  8. I’ve done this too. But now I don’t feel the anger enough to take the time out of my precious day to “educate” the people.

    And why does everyone blow goats? Is that the animal du jour right now? Should I be considering a new marketing strategy for Nanny Goats In Panties?

  9. Good times.

    Add to that list those e-mails requesting that everybody boycott major oil companies. I work in major oil and I must receive 10 of these e-mails a month. What people don’t know is that the majority of gas stations, are actually owned and operated by an end-dealer, not the major oil corporation. So the boycott doesn’t affect the major oil company nearly as much as they might think. But hey, whatever. Ride a bike if that makes you happy.

  10. avatgardener

    freaks forwarding free-mail frustrate fellow, fires (off) flaming facts, feels fine.

  11. Funny–I hesitated to publish this post out of fear that readers would think, “what an asshole,” not identify, and then go back to reading archived dooce musings. So, thanks for the reassurances!

    Bex, I’m sure you have some powder lying around your crib that can salve that chapped ass.

    Hypo, I think those sources are all critical, but in the order in which you listed them.

    Punk, you scared me til the “just kidding” part.

    AK, have you looked into ritalin?

    Shield, the sheepish reply is nice…I agree!

    Diesel, you know what’s too good not to share? Cookies. Not emails.

    NGIP, absolutely. I just don’t wish to see the masthead this new marketing direction would necessitate.

    Jen, I frequently LOL at the “let’s get the oil companies” forwards. And then I hit “delete.”

    Avat, exactly!

  12. Good for you.

    And I thought I was the only one.

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    Enjoy our latest rants on Sarah Palin and Aliens.

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    Loose Cannon and the RUFKM Army

    For your efforts you are getting 2 smiley faces on humor blogs. You’re quite welcome.

  14. I’d forgotten how fucking hilariously spot-on you are. While I may have been guilty of this in the past (in a blog post or two… I don’t forward shit to people), you are absolutely right. It’s good to hear stuff like this, and it makes me miss shitting on my friend with stuff like this. Moving sucks sometimes.

    Maybe I should start a second blog where I cut loose like this… it’s awesome (apologies for using this overused word).

  15. LD, It’s never too late to recommence shitting on your friends. Never, I say!

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