My current tenants’ lease is about to end, so the property is advertised as being available shortly. Below is an email exchange with a possible customer. I just hit “send” on my reply to him. I’ll post whatever he writes back later.
With regards to the property I am inquiring about, I will like to get some more details about it, I am currently in the Uk and I am Relocating down to the US to do a survey for my employer ( MMH Insurance Group (UK), as we are about to open an office in the state, so due to my non presence to inspect the Property, I will like you to give me the below details:# I need full details including address of the property and pictures if available for the place.
# Monthly rentals/security deposits.
# If utilities is added to monthly rent.
# When the property would be available.
# Mail me the total move in cost.
# The Picture of the apartment. I await your response soon.
I replied with the information he sought. Here is where he went Nigerian on me:
Good Day, Thanks for the details on the Property, I am satisfied and will like to go ahead with the renting process, I will like you to go ahead and reserve the property for me.So I will be needing the following informations so that the check for payment of the deposit $1375 can be processed and posted to you soon.
Phone number(cell and land):…………
I want the 12 month lease to start on the 1st June 2008, I will also want to notify you that I have in the mean time arrange with an interior decorator who will be handling the purchase of furnitures, entertainment system and other appliances that I will need in the property, theywill as well be incharge of moving down my luggages down to the states. So the check of $5,700 will be sent over to you which is a relocation grant by my employer, and all you need to do is deduct the deposit $1375 and you will forward the rest to the Decorators so I can have the place all prepared for my arrival. All applications and lease will be signed as soon as I arrive.
Also for familiarization I Am Mike Jones, I am 31 yrs of age, a British citizen, married to a lovely lady, with a daughter (Family staying over in the UK), I work with MMH Insurance Group (UK), as a loss adjuster agent, I am a Christian, reserved in Nature, Non smoker also i don’t keep pets.I look forward to meeting you and hope to have a good relationship as a tenant with you.
I await the details.
you can reach me at this number +447024045677
Below is my present landlords information for reference :
34,TIVOLI GARDEN SE185PD
Here is my reply email:
Dear Mike Jones-
Got your reply. You are full of shit. How is the weather in Nigeria today?
You are not from the UK. I’ve been there, and its residents are wrinkly old white men who smoke pipes and use correct grammar every day. They don’t capitalize the first letters in the words “Family” or “Nonsmoker.” Or refer to themselves as “reserved in Nature.” They don’t move down their “luggages” or buy “furnitures” either. They also don’t try to spend $4325 renovating a property in which they will be RENTING. You sound like a Saturday Night Live “Bad Idea Jeans” commercial. Or a garden variety dumbass. Neither is becoming to you.
I also don’t believe that your current landlord is a physician referred to as “mortal rain.” That doesn’t even make for a good CB radio handle or aviation call-sign. It’s retarded, just like you are.
If you want to give me $5700 so that I can give your “Decorators” $4325, go right ahead. But it better be cash money buried under a volcanic glass rock that doesn’t belong in a Maine hayfield by the tree where I proposed to Pretty Bride. Otherwise, shine my balls, buddy.